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    How To Tell You’ve Lowered Your Standards

    | Deming, NM, USA |

    (I was finishing checking out an elderly man’s purchases when this exchange happened.)

    Me: “Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “When you’re 85 years old and you wake up with a pulse, and your next door neighbor isn’t hitting you over the head with a shovel, you’re having a good day.”

    Me: “…”

    The Bigger The Lie, The Higher They Fly

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (The captain of our aircraft had stepped off to get some paperwork as customers were boarding. One passenger looked up front and turned to our flight attendant.)

    Passenger: “Why is there only one pilot up there?”

    Flight attendant: “She is the first officer. The Captain will be back in a bit.”

    Passenger: “Can they fly the plane with only one pilot?”

    Flight attendant: “The other pilot will be back in a moment. He is taking care of some paperwork.”

    Passenger: “Why are there two seats if there is only one pilot?”

    Flight attendant: *gives up* “Well, sir… actually, she is just setting up the airplane and telling it where to go. In a few moments, she’ll push the start button and leave. The plane will fly us all the way there with no pilot at all.”

    Passenger: “Oh! That’s neat!” sits down, apparently satisfied*

    Someone Needs To Get Ctrl-Alt-Deleted

    , | Newark, DE, USA |

    (A customer calls in having trouble logging into her email.)

    Me: “Okay, let’s try typing the password into a text program like Notepad or Word. Then, we can copy and paste it into the password box.”

    Caller: “Copy and paste?”

    Me: “Yeah, it’s just a quick–”

    Caller: “COPY AND PASTE? What the h***?! I have a secretary so that I don’t have to learn copy and f***ing paste!”

    Me: “If you calm down, it’s really very easy.”

    Caller: *hangs up phone*

    Imaginary Return, Imaginary Refund

    | Adelaide, Australia |

    (A woman comes into our hardware store with an empty pot.)

    Customer: “Hi, how are you? I’d like to make a return.”

    Me: “Sure, what would you like to return today?”

    Customer: “I need to return this plant.” *holds up empty pot*

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but you only have the pot there.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I know.”

    Me: “Well, you need to have the plant to return it.”

    Customer: “But I’ve already planted it!”

    Related: Not Quite Getting What “Return” Means

    Perspiring & Persistent

    | Toronto, Canada |

    Me: *on the phone* “Good afternoon, this is ***, *** speaking, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi. I’m looking for a present for my girlfriend. She plays soccer a lot, and I was wondering if you carry Febreeze for her soccer shoes.”

    Me: “Uh, yes sure we do.” *start to list varieties*

    Customer: “That’s good. I really hope she likes it. Would you like it?”

    Me: “Well, it depends on your girlfriend, sir. I may not enjoy the gift, but if you said that she needs it for her soccer shoes then she probably will.”

    Customer: “She says she sweats a lot.”

    Me: “Oh, well, soccer is a very physical game.”

    Customer: “Do YOU sweat a lot?”

    Me: “…um, no, not particularly.”

    Customer: “So you would not like this gift.”

    Me: “No sir, but I’m not your girlfriend.”

    Customer: “Would you like to be?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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