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  • And This Is Before He Had A Pint

    | London, UK |

    (Note: the music from the jukebox in our bar is playing pretty loudly.)

    Customer: “Can you turn the jukebox back on please?”

    Me: “It is on.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not.”

    Me: “Yeah, it really is.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not. The government turned it off.”

    Me: “Erm, really?”

    Customer: “Yeah, so can you turn it back on?”

    Me: “Erm, okay…” *I pretend to push a button underneath the bar* “…how’s that?”

    Customer: “Much better, thanks!”

    Pepperoni Paranoia

    | Maple Ridge, BC, Canada |

    (I had two deliveries in the same area, and I had the 2 orders in one bag. I get to first house, take the pizza out of the bag and go to the door.)

    Me: “Hi, that will be $28.27.”

    Customer: “What is this? Where’s my bag?!”

    Me: “What do you mean? What bag?”

    Customer: “My security bag!”

    Me: “You mean heat-wave bag?”

    Customer: “NO! MY SECURITY F*****G BAG!”

    Me: “You know, it’s a heat bag to keep the pizza warm, and it’s held with velcro.”

    Customer: “ARE YOU F*****G STUPID?! I WANT MY SECURITY FACTOR! HOW DO I KNOW YOU DIDN’T PUT ACID IN MY BAG AND TRY TO KILL ME?!”

    Me: “Well…here is your pizza.” *collects money* “You may call the store with any complaints.”

    (Later she called the store and told the manager she couldn’t put it in her garbage because there might be acid in it.)

    Two’s Company, Three’s A Bargain

    | Glasgow, Scotland |

    Caller: *on the phone* “I’d like a quote to insure 2 cars. Do I get a discount if it’s for 2 cars?”

    Me: “Yes, as long as they’re registered at the same address.”

    Caller: “OK, first I need a quote for my wife’s car.”

    (I run through the details and tell him the price.)

    Caller: “OK, now I need a quote for my girlfriend’s car.”

    Me: “Er…OK.”

    Caller: “Do I get a discount on the second one, then?”

    Me: “Only if they’re registered at the same address.”

    Caller: “OK.”

    Me: *confused* “Do your wife and your girlfriend live at the same address?”

    Caller: “What do you think I am? Stupid?”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Danica Says Eat My Dust

    | Canada |

    (I am a female employee. A customer came in asking me to look up a movie about NASCAR that was not in our system.)

    Me: “We actually don’t have that movie in our system at all. Sorry about that.”

    Customer: “The movie is called ****. It’s about a NASCAR driver.”

    Me: “Yes, I looked up the title, and we don’t carry that movie at all.”

    Customer: “Well, maybe you could ask your manager to look it up for me.”

    Me: “Yes, of course.”

    Customer: “It’s just that women don’t generally know much about NASCAR. I mean, it’s nothing personal. I know that I wouldn’t be interested in learning how to knit, or how to wash a dish.”

    Me: “…”

    Have Barcode, Will Scan

    | Toronto, Canada |

    (I am helping my friend out at the grocery store she works at, with the manager’s permission. She’s stuck a barcode from an orange on my t-shirt, and it’s refusing to come off.)

    Customer: *places three individual grapes on the conveyor belt*

    Employee friend: “Sir, where are your groceries?”

    Customer: “These are my groceries.”

    Me: “Sir, you’ve only got three grapes.”

    Customer: “Yes, those are my groceries.”

    Employee friend: “Will that be all, sir?”

    Customer: “No, how much is she?” *points to me*

    Me: “Come again?”

    Employee friend: “Sir, I’m not sure what you mean.”

    Customer: “Your friend, the one not wearing the uniform. How much does she cost?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not for sale.”

    Customer: “Well, do you work here?”

    Me: “Well, no, not technically.”

    Customer: “Are you shopping here?”

    Me: “Um, no. But–”

    Customer: “Well, then, why are you here?”

    Me: “I’m helping my friends out.”

    Customer: “But you have a barcode sticker on you.”

    Me: “Well, yes, sir. That was a joke.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s false advertisement.”

    Employee friend: “I’m pretty sure that isn’t-”

    Customer: “I’m going to need to speak with your manager!”

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