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  • Bigotry Is Not On The Menu
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  • Life Is Stranger Than Fiction

    | Stoneham, MA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’m looking for a book about a football player.”

    Me: “Do you know the title or author?”

    Customer: “It’s about a kid who plays football.”

    Me: “Is it fiction or nonfiction?”

    Customer: “Which is the real one?”

    Me: “You mean which is a true story?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Nonfiction books are true stories. Is it a biography or autobiography?”

    Customer: *exasperated* “What’s the difference?”

    Me: “Biographies are written by someone else about a person, autobiographies are written by the person themselves.”

    Customer: “I doubt he wrote it; he’s a football player. Do you know how many hits those guys take to the head?!”

    Can’t Count On His Trust

    | Billings, MT, USA | Uncategorized

    (A group of four teens come in to see an R rated movie. Two of the kids have ID revealing their age to be 17. The two girls have no ID. I am a manager and am called over to assist.)

    Me: “What’s wrong here?”

    Male Customer: “See, me and him have our IDs because I drove.” *points to girls* “They are 17. They just forgot their IDs.”

    Me: “Well, you owe me $100.”

    Customer: “What? No I don’t.”

    Me: “Oh, so you don’t take my word for it? You don’t trust me.”

    Girl Customer: “Hey, we are 17. We know the rules. We just forgot our IDs.”

    Me: “If you knew the rules, then why didn’t you bring your IDs? I can’t sell you tickets, but can I suggest a PG-13 movie?”

    Male Customer: “Hey wait, why do I owe you $100?!”

    No Short Cuts In Private School

    | Adelaide, Australia | Uncategorized

    (I am having my hair done and over hearing a conversation between a mother, her daughter and the hairdresser.)

    Hairdresser: “Oh dear…sweetie.”

    Child: “What is it?”

    Hairdresser: “I’m afraid I can’t cut your hair today.” *to the mother* “Excuse me ma’am?”

    (The mother ignores the hairdresser and talks on her mobile phone.)

    Hairdresser: “Excuse me.”

    (Mother continues to ignore her.)

    Hairdresser: “Ma’am!”

    Mother: “What!? Can’t you see I am on the phone?”

    Hairdresser: “I am sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t cut your daughter’s hair.”

    Mother: “What do you mean you can’t cut my daughter’s hair?”

    Hairdresser: “I’m very sorry, but it is against store policy to cut anybody’s hair if they have lice.”

    Mother: “Lice!? She can’t have lice! She goes to a private school!”

    In Need Of A Better Outlook

    | Riverside, CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’m having issues with my Outlook.”

    Me: “Show me the problem you’re having so I can see if I can fix it for you.”

    (She has six passwords each over twenty characters long, Bios password, Windows password, Zone Alarm Password, Outlook Password, etc…)

    Me: “You don’t need to have your passwords that long for security’s sake.”

    Customer: “I read on the internet that sniffers give up if the password is too long.”

    Me: “I’m happy you did your research, but you don’t have to have it longer then 15 characters long.”

    Customer: “Well I’m afraid if someone steals my laptop, the programs that can recover passwords can’t detect past twenty letters.”

    Me: “That’s true, but no one really does that anymore. In this business we have customers coming in all the time to have us remove the password for them because they forgot it. For instance, I can get into your laptop in less then 2 – 3 minutes without your help.”

    Customer: “No way. I’ve made precautions.”

    Me: “I will be more then happy to show you that I can. But I would have to charge you a half hour fee and you would have to sign the work order giving me permission to.”

    Customer: “And if you can’t? ”

    Me: “Then I will be more then happy to refund you the money and you would have won this war.”

    (Customer then pays the fee and signs the work order.)

    Me: “Give me a moment.”

    (A minute later.)

    Me: “Here you go, I’m logged in to your Outlook.”

    Customer: “Oh my God! How did you do that?”

    Me: “If your really worried about someone stealing your laptop, you shouldn’t have laminated your passwords to the laptop.”

    Totally Lost The Pot

    | Wellington, New Zealand | Uncategorized

    (I am working checkouts when a customer comes up with a stack of small buckets.)

    Customer: “There should be about 23 of those.”

    Me: “What do you use these for?”

    Customer: “My husband uses them to mix cement, and then he just throws them out.”

    (I begin scanning the buckets. Suddenly, the customer comments loudly.)

    Customer: “We are not using them to grow pot!”

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