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  • November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!


    | London, UK | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

    (It’s early morning. I need to organise my notes, so I sit down in the Reception area. The suited guy next to me is looking very nervous.)

    Customer: “You’re a bit of a porker, eh?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You’re really chubby. I mean, they told me they were considering someone else for the position as well. But if you’re all I’ve got to compete with, I’ve got it already!”

    (I realise that his pre-interview technique is from some old self-help book about psyching out the competition.)

    Customer: “And I was so nervous too! Guess you don’t have much of a chance, huh?”

    (I consult my notes.)

    Me: “Mr. Becker?”

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s me! How’d you know that? You’re here for the job too, right?”

    Me: “No, Mr. Becker. I’m Gary Robbins, a technical specialist from Human Resources. I’m here to conduct your interview.”

    A Customer You Would Prefer To Circumnavigate Around

    | Durham, NC, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science, Uncategorized

    (An employee calls me over to deal with someone who is angry that they can’t take their restaurant leftovers into the theater.)

    Customer: “Why can’t I bring this in? I’m not going to eat it or anything!”

    Me: “I’m sure you wouldn’t, but unfortunately it is a rule here that you can’t bring it in, and I can’t circumvent it.”

    Customer: “What the h*** does geometry have to do with my food?!”

    No Chance Of Defying Gravity

    | Texas, USA | Crazy Requests, Money, Uncategorized

    Customer: “I bought tickets for Wicked on Broadway and I want a refund.”

    Me: “Okay, was your show postponed or canceled? That’s the only time we can give refunds.”

    Customer: “Well, I wasn’t able to watch the show so I want my money back.”

    Me: “Why were you unable to watch the show?”

    Customer: “When we got to our seats my husband felt sick from being so high up and we had to leave.”

    Me: “When you purchased the tickets were you aware that they were in the balcony?”

    Customer: “The woman told me they were in the balcony but I didn’t know what that meant. I know what a balcony on a house is, but a theater isn’t a house. I’m not stupid.”

    Me: “If you weren’t sure about the seat placement, why didn’t you ask for clarification?”

    Customer: “I didn’t want to sound stupid. I’m not stupid!”

    Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Bag Holder

    | Sherwood Park, AB, Canada | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

    (I am guy in my late teens, bagging groceries for a male cashier when a woman in her mid to late thirties arrives at the till.)

    Cashier: “Here you go, ma’am.”

    Customer: “‘Ma’am?!’ Do I look old enough to be a ‘ma’am?!'”

    Cashier: “Uh, sorry miss.”

    Customer: “‘Miss!’ That’s even worse! You make me feel like an old maid! I’m still young and beautiful! And you, bag boy! Make sure the eggs are on top, okay?”

    Me: *miming shooting a gun and winking* “You got it, babe.”

    Customer: *blushing* “I…uh…okay.”

    Cashier: “Dude.”

    Totally, Like, Excruciatus

    | Hazel Grove, NY, USA | Books & Reading, Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, School

    (Two girls enter the bookstore. I recognize them as being two ditzy girls from my English class.)

    Me: “Hey, [Girl 1] and [Girl 2], what’s up? I didn’t think you guys liked hanging out in bookshops?”

    Girl 1: *giggles* “Duh! Did you like think that we’re geeks or something?”

    Girl 2: “Like, duh, I’m just looking for this book for my sister.”

    (Said sister happens to be one of my good friends.)

    Me: “Oh, what book does Jen want?”

    Girl 2: “It’s like, this book with some totally geeky wizards or something.”

    Me: “Do you mean Harry Potter? She’s already got those books.”

    Girl 2: “Like, no duh! It’s like, written by some totally old-ish chick named Jane or something. It’s like, about this chick named Emma.”

    Me:Emma by Jane Austen hasn’t got any wizards.”

    Girl 2: “Ain’t Emma that witch or something? That nerdy, bushy-haired one?”

    Me: “That’s Hermione Granger. Her actress is Emma Watson.”

    Girl 2: *huffing* “What-EVER! I’m like, so totally out of here, you geek!”