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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Dealing With Customers Is Child’s Play

    | Eugene, OR, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: *laughing hysterically* “Is there a grown-up there?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: *still laughing* “Is there a grown-up there? You sound like a child!”

    Me: “Oh, thank you ma’am, but I’m an adult. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Are you sure? You sound like you’re three! What do they do, hire children?”

    Me: “No, I’m 22 actually. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Pass me to someone who sounds like an adult.”

    Me: “I don’t think we’ll be able to help you.” *hangs up*

    How About A Few Reindeer And Elves While You’re At It

    | Bakersfield, CA, US | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling *** Country Club, this is ***. How can I help you?”

    Member: “Hi, I need to make a reservation for dinner tonight.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but due to it being Christmas Eve, the club is closing at 2 o’clock today.”

    Member: “…”

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Member: “I have never heard of any business closing early on Christmas Eve. It’s not even a holiday, for God’s sake!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am… we did send out several emails containing our holiday hours.”

    Member: “I don’t read your f***ing emails! Either way, it doesn’t matter.Wwe are coming for dinner tonight, so take the reservation for me.”

    Me: “We aren’t open for dinner tonight, so I can’t take your reservation.”

    Member: “Well, you better take the reservation, because all of my family is coming in from out of town and I told them that we would be eating at the club! We need a reservation for 15 people at 7 o’clock tonight.”

    Me: “I think we must be misunderstanding each other. There won’t be anyone here at 7 o’clock.”

    Member: “I pay my dues like everyone else, and I expect you to be open at 7 to serve us! Make the reservation!”

    Me: “Okay…”

    Member: “Do it now!”

    Me: “…”

    Member: “I pay my dues!”

    Me: “Okay, I have to go now.”

    Member: “And we want a private room!”

    Me: “Good luck with that…”

    (To this day, we wonder if they showed up for dinner.)

    It’s Aliiiiive!

    , | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Caller: “I’m having trouble registering for courses.”

    Me: “Okay let me direct you to some tutorials available on the main website so we can walk through that process.”

    Me: “Okay you can either view these tutorials as a module
    demonstration or you can click ‘Download PDF’ to view a written tutorial with pictures and steps. Go ahead and click on ‘Download PDF.”

    Caller: “Woah, wait a minute. Why is there a white arrow moving around on my screen?”

    Me: “Well, whenever you move your mouse you’ll see a white arrow move around on the screen. Is that what you are referring to?”

    Caller: “Ooh… ”

    Me: “Okay, well let’s go to the… ”

    Caller: “Oh my gosh, make it stop! Make it stop! Why is it adding me to courses I don’t want! I don’t want [course], I don’t want it! Why is it doing this!? Please, please make it stop!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s okay. It’s just a demonstration to show you how the registration process works. It’s not actually adding you to those courses.”

    Caller: “Ooh.”

    Me: “Ma’am, what courses did you want to register for? I’m just going to go ahead and submit those registration requests for you…”

    Yes, Boarded Up Windows Will Send The Right Message

    | Halifax, NS, Canada |

    (Our store was recently renovated with big glass front windows.)

    Customer: “Wow, they renovated.”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “Aren’t you afraid someone might come and shoot out the windows?”

    Me: “No, actually, it hadn’t really crossed my mind.”

    Customer: “Well, you should be concerned!”

    Me: “I’m not. I can’t say I’ve worried over that.”

    Customer: “Well, this IS downtown. These things happen! You should be worried!”

    Blood Pressure Go Up, Blood Pressure Go Down

    , | St. Louis, MO, USA |

    (I’m calling to clarify information on a form this guy sent in.)

    Caller: “Do you realize I’m on the ‘Do Not Call During Dinner’ list!?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry that–”

    Caller: “You f***ing insurance agents! Do you realize that [another insurance company] totally f***ed me over?! Do you realize how much money they cost me? Those f***ing guys got put in jail and now I have to pay more money!”

    Me: “Sir, this has nothing to do with–”

    Caller: “I do not like being sold things during dinner!”

    Me: “Sir, I am not trying to sell you anything–”

    Caller: “All you f***ing insurance people just want to roll me over and sodomize me!”

    Me: “Sir, this is on behalf of your existing company, and it’s regarding a form you yourself sent in. I have it in front of me now and I just had a few questions.”

    Caller: *totally friendly* “Oh! Well, why didn’t you say so?”

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