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  • Always Right, Even When Shooting Down A Helicopter

    | Finland | Top

    (At the golf course where I work, it’s been a very a hot day and an older man unfortunately has a stroke/heart attack in the middle of the range. The course is at a remote location, so a medical helicopter is called in and lands in the middle of the range. Another golfer comes over, obviously upset.)

    Golfer: “It’s my tee! I want to take my shot but the helicopter is blocking it.”

    Me: “Sir, there’s a medical emergency on the range so you’ll have to wait for a little while.”

    Golfer: “But it’s my shot! I pay good money to play here and it’s my shot!”

    Me: “Sir, someone may be dying over there. Please have some patience. It shouldn’t take long until they lift off.”

    Golfer: “If they get hit, it’s their own fault.”

    (The man then pulls a club out and before I can stop him, he swings and hits the helicopter.)

    Me: “Sir! For God’s sake, stop!”

    Golfer: “It’s my tee! They can just blame themselves for being in the way. I don’t have time for this!”

    (I ended up reporting him to the caddie master and range supervisors. His license was revoked and was banned from playing there ever again. Thankfully, the helicopter was not damaged and the patient was saved.)

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    Pinheaded, Part 2

    Coming Soon: Backup Singer Hero

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I’m shopping in a video game store, and an older, overweight, bald man comes into the store alone and proceeds to ask the greatest question I have ever heard.)

    Customer: “Do you have the singing game that lets YOU be the star?”

    Today, We Are All From Toronto

    | Cape Cod, MA, USA |

    (The parking lot is full at a popular beach and the area is residential, so I have the job of turning cars away.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the lot is full and you’re blocking traffic so you’ll have to move your car.”

    Customer: “But we are from Toronto!”

    Me: “Um…I’m glad you drove all this way, but the lot is full. Maybe you can get some lunch and check back in a half hour?”

    Customer: “But we are from Toronto.”

    Me: “I know, I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do, I have to keep this road clear.”

    Customer: “Have you ever been to Toronto?”

    Me: “No. But please, sir, you have to move. Perhaps you can drop your family off and rejoin them later when we have spaces.”

    Customer: *angrily* “We are going back to Toronto!”

    The Next Bachelorette

    | New York NY, USA |

    (An elderly lady walks into a clothes store. She is wearing an exceedingly bright hat with a large, floppy flower on it. She obviously likes the hat very much because she looks at herself in every mirror she walks by.)

    Employee: “You sure look spiffy today, ma’am!”

    Elderly lady: “Young man, I look spiffy EVERY day!”

    When Customers Shop Past Their Naptime

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “I can’t believe I had to open the door on my way in! It opens for me on the way out. Customers shouldn’t have to open doors.”

    Me: “But sir, if the ‘In’ door was automatic, it would smack you in the face.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! I shouldn’t be expected to open my own doors.”

    Me: “Well, you could always use the handicapped button. That will open the door for you.”

    Customer: *stomps his foot* “No! No! No! No!”

    (The customer leaves looking at me expectantly and pointing at the automatic door on his way out.)

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