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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Online Store, Meet Offline Brain

    | Knoxville, TN, USA | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

    (The customer is requesting that I order her some clothing that our store currently does not have in stock to be delivered to her home address.)

    Me: “…and what is your home address?”

    Customer: “Why do you need that?”

    Me: “So that the clothes can be delivered to the correct address.”

    Customer: “How do the clothes get to me from the computer?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t quite understand what you are asking.”

    Customer: “I mean, all you have told the computer is my information. How do the clothes get from the computer to me?”

    Me: “Well, the information goes to our warehouse and they will send the clothes to your address from there.”

    Customer: “So the clothes don’t come from the computer?”

    Me: “You mean directly from this computer?”

    Customer: “Yes, of course. How do I get the clothes from the computer?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, it doesn’t work like that. We can’t store merchandise in our computers.”

    Customer: “Well, your systems are too outdated! I will just go buy them from my home computer so I don’t have to wait for the warehouse to send me my order in the mail!”

    A Hot Slice Of Obvious

    | Pocomoke, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pizza place], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Hi, can I have a half pepperoni, half sausage?”

    Me: “Okay, will that be all?”

    Customer: “Could you make sure that both halves are on the same pizza?”

    There’s A Sucker Infected Every Minute

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Technology, Uncategorized

    (A customer is wondering why her anti-virus is asking her to purchase the program.)

    Me: “What is the name of your anti-virus?”

    Customer: “It is [name of a well-known fake anti-virus program].”

    Me: “Ma’am, that is a fake anti-virus. Do not purchase that program because it will not protect your computer.”

    Customer: “No! Why do you want me to disable my anti-virus? I will not get rid of it! It’s keeping my computer safe! I already purchased it three times and it still wants me to pay again! All I want to know is how to stop it from asking me to pay!”

    Bi-Curiouser and Curiouser

    | Salem, NH, USA | At The Checkout, Language & Words, Top

    (I am speaking Spanish to a customer at the register. I finish the transaction and see the next customer.)

    Customer: *speaking loudly and slowly* “Hello! I want to pay cash!”

    Me: “Find everything you need today?”

    Customer: “Wow so you can speak English and Spanish? I didn’t think you spoke any English”

    Me: “Yes, I’m bilingual”

    Customer: “Wow! So you speak two languages fluently and you’re gay?”

    Me: “No, just bilingual.”

    Customer: “I heard you the first time silly! Lots of gay pride in you, huh?”

    Some Guys Are Made Of The Right Stuff

    | Carbondale, IL, USA | Books & Reading, Top

    Customer: “Excuse me, could you help me find a book on grieving? My husband just died.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. They’re right over here.”

    (I lead her over to the death and grieving books.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can help you find today?”

    Customer: “Actually yes. I’m also looking for a book on taxidermy.”

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