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    Not Always Right On So Many Levels

    | Ocala, FL, USA |

    (A disabled customer on crutches starts screaming racist epithets at her cashier.)

    Disabled customer: “You g**d*** n*****! You b****! How could you do that to me?! This is discrimination!”

    Cashier: *totally shocked*

    (I walk over right away. Keep in mind, I’m white.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry you’re upset, but could you please watch your language? There are children here. Now, I’d be ha–”

    Disabled customer: “Y’all hate people with disabilities! F*** the children! And f*** you, you n*****! I’m calling corporate!”

    Me: “If that’s what you want to do, ma’am, I can’t stop you.”

    Disabled customer: “D*** right you can’t, you black b****!”

    (She suddenly throws down her “crutches” and very easily walks out of the store.)

    Another customer, to me: “Wait, did she just call you black?”

    (She did end up calling corporate office, but it was dismissed because she kept calling the operator a sand monkey and saying that she was going to burn in h*** for stealing white people’s jobs.)

    (To do this day, whenever we get bored we play with her crutches in the back stock room.)

    The Baby Steps Diet

    | Canada |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [coffee shop]. How can I help you?”

    Regular customer: “Hey buddy!”

    Me: “How are ya today? The usual?”

    Regular customer: “Nope, I cut back on my sugar. I no longer take eight.”

    Me: “Oh. What can I get you, then?”

    Regular customer: “I’ll get a large with seven and three quarters sugar.”

    Oh My, Aren’t We Sneaky Today

    | Netherlands |

    (I’m working at a well-known Scandinavian furniture store. Our children’s supervised play area only allows ages 3 to 6. Parents need to fill in a form with the names of the children and the address…)

    Customer: *writes down age 7*

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but only children from 3 until 6 are allowed to play in here.”

    Customer: *makes a 6 out of the 7 and looks at me with a big smile*

    Me: “…”

    Survival Of The Fittest In Action

    | Schenectady, NY, USA |

    Me:¬†”Hello, this is Dr. ***’s office. Can I help you?”

    Patient: “Yeah, is there an injection I can get for my gout?”

    Me:¬†”I don’t think so. I think we only give injections for muscle pain, but I can double-check for you.”

    Patient: “Yeah, check.¬†I’m going away this weekend and my ankle really hurts. My primary doctor says it’s not gout. I had these labs done, and they all say it’s not gout, but it really hurts.”

    Me: “It’s not gout, but you want to know about a gout injection?”

    Patient: “Well, they say it’s not gout, but I was at a bar and a guy looked at it and said, ‘That’s gout, all right!’”

    Me: “… a guy at the bar?”

    Patient: “Yeah. And he gave me one of his pills and it really helped.”

    Me: “You took a pill from some guy in a bar?!”

    Patient: “Yeah, it really helped and it was gout medicine, so I think I have gout.¬†So is there an injection?”

    Me: “Hold, please.”

    (At this point, I go ask my manager if a gout injection exists, which it doesn’t, and explain to her the situation. ¬†She agrees that this is completely stupid, but that if the woman wants gout medication, we can prescribe it.)

    Me: “Thanks for holding. Turns out there’s no injection for gout.”

    Patient: “Really? My ankle’s killing me.”

    Me: “Well, if the medicine you took worked for you, we may be able to write you a prescription for it.”

    Patient: “Oh, I already have a prescription.”

    Me: “You… already have a prescription that stops your pain? Are you taking it?”

    Patient: “No, I thought an injection might be faster.”

    Me: *long pause* “Is there anything else you need today?”

    Patient: “No, thank you.” *click*

    Me: “Oh. My.¬†God.”

    The Wind Beneath My Swings

    , | Boston, MA, USA |

    Caller: “The swing set was delivered yesterday, and… it’s fine, but I need instructions.”

    Me: “No problem, I’ll email them to you right now. Are you missing anything from your shipment? If you are, let me know and I can get those right out for you.”

    Caller: “Um, no. I’m not missing anything, but I do have one question.”

    Me: “Sure, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Well, I got the swing set and… well… thank you for the added accessory, but where do I put it? I mean, how do I attach it to the set?”

    Me: “Which accessory, sir?”

    Caller: “The toilet seat.”

    Me: “The what?!”

    Caller: “Yeah, and I just want to know how I attach it to the swing set?”

    Me: “Um, ok. First of all, you don’t put toilet seats on your child’s swing set. Secondly, that wasn’t in your shipment from us. The trucking company must have gotten some boxes mixed up.”

    Caller: “Ooooooohh…” *speaking to someone off the phone* “HEY JOE! Don’t open that box! That toilet seat isn’t ours! It doesn’t go on the set!”

    (I would just like to state for the record that “toilet seat” and “swing set” should NEVER be used in the same sentence.)


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