(A customer calls asking if we would come and inspect her chimney, as there is ‘an animal’ inside it ‘scratching around’.)
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’re not equipped to do that. If you like, I can suggest a local exterminator. Once the animal is gone, we’d be thrilled to come by and find how it’s been getting into your chimney and plug up the hole.”
Caller: “No, you’ve come out here and done this before. A couple times. I know you guys do this.”
Me: “Ma’am, we just don’t have any resources to remove live animals from chimneys.”
Caller: “But, if you come sweep it, won’t the animal come out? Like, when you clean?”
Me: “Well, yes, it may, but, if it comes out, it will be in your living room, and it will be very angry and covered in soot.”
Caller: “Oh. What was that other place you mentioned again?”
(My customer is an old friend I have not seen since high school.)
Customer: *showing off her belly* “Seven months! The baby kicks sometimes, do you want to feel?”
(I finish with my customer, and move on to the next customer in line, an older man.)
Customer: *rubbing his belly and grinning* “Mine growls sometimes! Wanna feel mine too?”
(A customer comes to my register with prenatal vitamins and a book on conception.)
Customer: "The tablets scanned at $32.50. They’re supposed to be $20!"
Me: "Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll just get someone to check the price. Won’t be a moment."
Me: "No, I’m sorry. $32.50 is the correct price."
Customer: "$32.50 is way too expensive! I don’t want to conceive that much!"
(Customer #1 is slowly packing up her receipt, change, etc., while Customer #2, an elderly gentleman, is waiting patiently behind her.)
Customer #1: *noticing Customer #2* “Oh, I’m sorry I’m taking up so much of your time.”
Customer #2: “Oh, that’s okay. I’m just waiting to die.”
Me: “Hello! I’m [name] and I’ll be your server today. Are you ready to order?”
Customer: “No! You can’t serve me! You’re prettier than I am! You’re damaging my self-esteem!”
Me: *pause* “Well, you can request another server, if you like?”
Customer: “Yes! Get me another server. Someone less pretty!”
(Another waitress comes out. She’s perfectly good-looking, but visibly older than the customer whereas I’m younger, so we figured that would be okay.)
Waitress: “May I take your order, ma’am?”
Customer: “No no no! I asked for someone who isn’t pretty! Doesn’t this place employ ugly people?!”
(In the end, after deciding that even the male servers were far too good-looking, she left us feeling flattered, but very confused.)