(A customer who doesn’t seem to speak much English walks up to me.)
Customer: “Where is chili?”
Me: “Are you looking for chili mix or pre-made chili?”
Customer: “Is chili in can?”
(I tell him where to find the canned chili. A few minutes later, he comes up to me again.)
Customer: “Sorry, I no find it. Help please?”
Me: “Do you know what brand it was?”
Customer: “It has picture of dog.”
Me: “A dog logo? I can’t think of a brand that makes chili and has a dog logo.”
Customer: “Is called… ah… What is it… um… [dog food brand]! Yes, that’s it! [Dog food brand] is name! The one with the dog!”
Me: “Sir… [dog food brand] is a brand of dog food.”
Customer: “Yes! Yes! Is chili with dog picture! Where is it? My family love it!”
(A customer calls asking if we would come and inspect her chimney, as there is ‘an animal’ inside it ‘scratching around’.)
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’re not equipped to do that. If you like, I can suggest a local exterminator. Once the animal is gone, we’d be thrilled to come by and find how it’s been getting into your chimney and plug up the hole.”
Caller: “No, you’ve come out here and done this before. A couple times. I know you guys do this.”
Me: “Ma’am, we just don’t have any resources to remove live animals from chimneys.”
Caller: “But, if you come sweep it, won’t the animal come out? Like, when you clean?”
Me: “Well, yes, it may, but, if it comes out, it will be in your living room, and it will be very angry and covered in soot.”
Caller: “Oh. What was that other place you mentioned again?”
(My customer is an old friend I have not seen since high school.)
Customer: *showing off her belly* “Seven months! The baby kicks sometimes, do you want to feel?”
(I finish with my customer, and move on to the next customer in line, an older man.)
Customer: *rubbing his belly and grinning* “Mine growls sometimes! Wanna feel mine too?”
(A customer comes to my register with prenatal vitamins and a book on conception.)
Customer: "The tablets scanned at $32.50. They’re supposed to be $20!"
Me: "Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll just get someone to check the price. Won’t be a moment."
Me: "No, I’m sorry. $32.50 is the correct price."
Customer: "$32.50 is way too expensive! I don’t want to conceive that much!"
(Customer #1 is slowly packing up her receipt, change, etc., while Customer #2, an elderly gentleman, is waiting patiently behind her.)
Customer #1: *noticing Customer #2* “Oh, I’m sorry I’m taking up so much of your time.”
Customer #2: “Oh, that’s okay. I’m just waiting to die.”