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    Joseph Smith’s Great Northern Detour

    | Wellington, New Zealand |

    Drunk Customer: “You’re American! What state are you from??”

    Me: “Actually Sir, I’m from Canada.”

    Drunk Customer: “OH! The MORMON State!”

    Me: “…”

    Hypothetical Intelligence

    | Newcastle, UK |

    (I work for a political party and am making polling calls.)

    Me: “Hello, my name is *** and I’m calling on behalf of the *** Party. Do you have time to take a quick survey for us?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Thank you. If there was a General Election tomorrow, who do you think you would vote for?”

    Caller: “There’s a General Election tomorrow?”

    Me: “No, but if there was, who do you think you would vote for?”

    Caller: “I would have trouble getting to the polling station, are you offering a lift?”

    Me: “No… it’s a hypothetical election about who would you vote for.”

    Caller: “Sorry, I have to go to the doctors tomorrow!”

    Me: *gives up*

    When You’ve Lost The Passion Fruit

    | Hertfordshire, UK |

    Me: “Hi, can I help?”

    Customer: “I’d like a wheat grass shot and an apple, carrot, ginger and orange juice.”

    Me: “Would you like size one, two or three?”

    Customer: “One.”

    Me: “Would you like any extra boosters?”

    Customer: “No. Stop trying to sell me things.”

    Me: “That’s ¬£*.**. Do you have a loyalty card?”

    Customer: “I’m not even loyal to my WIFE.”

    Me: “…”

    I Can Thieve Clearly Now

    | New York, USA |

    Customer: “I need to bring back these reading glasses. They’re broken.”

    Me: “OK – do you have the receipt for them?”

    (The customer hands me a receipt from 9 months earlier.)

    Me: “This receipt is a little past our 30-day return policy. May I have a look at the glasses?”

    Customer: “Yeah, well, they’re clearly broken, and I never used them, so you need to make an exception for me.”

    (I see that the glasses have clearly had the packaging removed and haphazardly put back on. They also have grease marks all over the lenses.)

    Me: “OK, well, I can’t take these back for a number of reasons: They were bought 9 months ago, we don’t carry this style anymore, and they have been clearly opened and used.”

    Customer: “No, they’re not used! You can’t get that package back on them!”

    Me: “It’s tricky, but you can get it back on. I’ve had to re-package them on a few occasions.”

    Customer: “NO YOU CAN’T! I HAD A HARD ENOUGH TIME GETTING THE PACKAGE OFF!”

    Me: “…”

    (The customer realizes what she just said, then turns and sheepishly walks out.)

    Pride Goeth Before A Sale

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    (Whenever the store was getting ready to discontinue something they would reduce the price to a penny before throwing it away. I was ringing up a customer’s order and he had several little bags of screws that were being discontinued.)

    Me: “All right, that’ll be $10.95.”

    Customer: “Why is it so much cheaper than yesterday?”

    Me: “Oh, those screws are being discontinued so they brought the price down.”

    Customer: “What? Do you think I can’t afford them?”

    Me: “Uh, no sir?”

    Customer: “I don’t need your help! I want to buy them at the regular price!”

    Me: “Uh, they brought the price down automatically in the system, sir. I can’t raise the price myself.”

    Customer: “I want to speak to a manager!”

    (I called the manager, and he spent ten minutes trying to reason with the man before he gave up and raised the price for him. Turns out the screws were only 36 cents a bag at regular price.)

    Related: Pride Goeth Before A Rental

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