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    How About We Get Them To Do An Irish Jig For You

    | Israel |

    (A customer is looking at the live fish swimming in the tank at the supermarket where my mom works.)

    Customer: “Are these fresh?”

    Mom: “They’re alive.”

    Customer: “But are they FRESH?”

    Mom: “… yes.”

    At Least He Can Tell Time

    | Ithaca, NY, USA |

    College student: “Do you have any stamps?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry. This is a library.”

    College student: “But I need to buy some stamps.”

    Me: “I can’t help you. We don’t sell stamps in the library. You should try the post office in [college building] tomorrow.”

    College student: “But I need the stamps now. Can’t I just have some stamps?”

    Me: “Listen, libraries don’t sell stamps. The post office will sell you stamps tomorrow morning when it opens. But right now, in this building, I can not sell you stamps.”

    College student: “So you’ll sell me stamps tomorrow?”

    Me: “Listen, you can’t even mail anything on a Sunday evening. Why don’t you come back later?”

    (Not surprisingly, he came back at 8 the next morning demanding stamps.)

    Chilly Reception

    | Belfast, Ireland |

    (I was working at the kiosk where we sell sweets and drinks when this transaction occurred with an old woman over the bottled water.)

    Customer: “Is that water cold?”

    Me: “Yes, it’s just out of the fridge.”

    Customer: “I don’t see a fridge.”

    (I gesture towards the fridge a few feet away from the kiosk.)

    Customer: “Can’t I just have one out of there?”

    Me: “Yeah, of course.”

    (I fetch her one out of the fridge.)

    Customer: “That doesn’t look too cold to me.”

    Me: “…well, you can feel for yourself, if you like. It really is quite cold.”

    Customer: “No. You do it.”

    (I put my hand against the bottle and then pretend to flinch.)

    Me: “You’re right, ma’am, it’s boiling hot. I’m very sorry about that.”

    Customer: “I’ll just have a Coke then.”

    Me: “…”

    Heal The Blind, Raise The Dead, & Now A Book Deal

    | San Diego, Ca, USA |

    Customer: “I’m looking for the autobiography of Jesus.”

    Me: “Um, do you mean a biography of Jesus?”

    Customer: “No! I want the AUTO-biography of Jesus! Where would it be?”

    Me: “Well, I guess you could try the Bible section…”

    Dealing With Customers Is Child’s Play

    | Eugene, OR, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: *laughing hysterically* “Is there a grown-up there?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: *still laughing* “Is there a grown-up there? You sound like a child!”

    Me: “Oh, thank you ma’am, but I’m an adult. What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Are you sure? You sound like you’re three! What do they do, hire children?”

    Me: “No, I’m 22 actually. What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “Pass me to someone who sounds like an adult.”

    Me: “I don’t think we’ll be able to help you.” *hangs up*

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