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    Altruism, How I Miss Thee

    | New Zealand |

    Library patron: “I’ve donated a lot of books over the years. So, from now on I’d like all my requests for free, please.”

    (Requests to transfer books from one library branch to another cost $1 per time.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. We don’t have any policy to do that.”

    Library patron: “I’ve donated so many books over the years I think this is a special case! I should be given free requests and fines.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not something you’ll be able to do. A lot of people donate books and we don’t give them free requests and fines.”

    Library patron: “But I’ve been supporting the library with all these donations I’ve been giving. I deserve something in return!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but the word donation implies you expect nothing in return… otherwise, it’s not a donation.”

    Library patron: *lightbulb goes on* “Oh…”

    …And Fruit Hates You Right Back

    | Monterey, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I’d like a Coke.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we make smoothies here. Have you looked at our menu?”

    Customer: “You don’t have any Coke?”

    Me:¬†”No, sir. Just fruit drinks.”

    Customer:¬†”Oh. Well, I’ll have a coffee then.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t serve coffee here. Just smoothies.”

    Customer: “What kind of drink shop is this?!¬†I come in here trying to get a drink, and you don’t have anything!”

    Me:¬†”We’re a smoothie shop, sir. What kind of fruit do you like?”

    Customer: “I HATE FRUIT!” *storms out of the store*

    Only In LA

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (This is an adult store in Los Angeles. Enter a fat, balding guy in his 40s.)

    Guy: “Hello, Miss.”

    Me: “Good morning.”

    Guy: “Do you have any–HOLY ****! You’re a girl!”

    Me: “I am?”

    Guy: “Shouldn’t you be at home, getting ready for your husband, cooking or something?”

    Me: “I burn salads. My WIFE tends to cook more.”

    Guy: “Holy ****! You’re a heathen!”

    Me: “Doom upon me. What was it you wanted?”

    Guy: “Whatever. Got any Bibles?”

    Me: “???”

    Directionally Challenged

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Me: “Hello! How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need a Whopper, two large fries, and a shake.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t sell those here. Burger King is next door.”

    Customer: “OH!”

    (He walks into my dining room and promptly returns to the counter. He appears slightly confused.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Yeah!¬†I thought you said Burger King was next door.”

    Me: “Yes sir, it is.”

    (I proceed to walk with him back to the dining room and point next door.)

    Me: “If you come back this way and go through our side exit, you can walk right over to Burger King.”

    Customer: “OH!”

    (I follow him back to the area near the side door and point him in that direction. He appears to be on his way to a Whopper, two fries and a shake when I hear our restroom door open and close. Sure enough, moments later he appears at my counter again.)

    Customer: “Why did you send me to the bathroom?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Please follow me.”

    (I escort the gentleman out the side door and tell him Burger King is next door.)

    Customer: “OH!¬†Thank you!”

    (He starts walking toward the front of both my building and Burger King. I feel confident he is going to get there. I was wrong. He walks around my building and through the parking lot, and is last seen heading towards an empty lot and the railroad tracks.)

    What Planet Is She From, Because I Want To Live There

    | Davis, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how are you doing today?”

    Customer: “I’d like a large coffee.”

    Me: “That’ll be $1.95.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t want to pay for it.”

    Me: *shocked* “Ma’am, this is a store. We sell things for money in order to make a profit.”

    Customer: *stares blankly*

    Me: “The coffee isn’t free.”

    Customer: “Can I have the coffee anyway, since you already poured it?”

    Me: “No. ”

    Customer: *looks at me for a moment and then walks away*


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