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    Barry Burnin’ White

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Caller: “Hello, I work offshore. I got home from a 3 week assignment yesterday, and me and the wife were doing the… you know… we were being… uhh…”

    Me: “… intimate?”

    Caller: “Nah. It was pretty rough. But anyhow, we were doing our thing.”

    (At this point, I’m pretty sure the caller is actually a buddy of
    mine, pranking me. I was wrong.)

    Me: “Sir, this is a stereo repair shop. Are you aware–”

    Caller: “Yeah, yeah, sorry. That’s not the point. When we got done, I noticed the music had stopped. I looked over there, and there were fumes coming off the receiver. So, I called your customer service number and they told me I need to write a description of the problem. I don’t know what happened, so I figured I’d call a tech guy to help me with the description. You got any idea what I should write?”

    Me: “Well, uhh… how about ‘smokes after sex’?”

    Caller: *laughing* “DONE! I like yer style, mah friend!”

    (That call totally made my day. I almost got fired over it, but it was worth it!)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    I’m A Mac, With Reinforcements

    | Urbana, IL, USA | Top

    Customer: “How much is this iPod Touch thingy?”

    Me: “$229, sir.”

    Customer: “Now, I’ve heard that these things can get the internet, right?”

    Me: “That’s correct.”

    Customer: “How does it get the internet without any wires?”

    Me: “Well, it works the same way a computer would; you can connect to any wi-fi netwo-”

    Customer: “WHOA! Wi-fi? I can’t use wi-fi!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Haven’t you heard?”

    Me: “…no?”

    Customer: “Wi-fi is what causes cancer. People are getting cancer more and more because we keep expanding our wi-fi networks. I’m only safe because of this!”

    (He pulls out a pendant he was wearing as a necklace under his shirt. It is a cylindrical white plastic container with a radioactive sticker on it.)

    Customer: “This thing right here protects me! It’s protecting you right now too!”

    Me: “Oh…OK…”

    Customer: “Yeah. Inside of this, there’s a thing that goes faster than the speed of light!”

    (He starts to flap his arms wildly in a circle to demonstrate ‘faster than light’, while making a ‘whoosh’ sound.)

    Me: “…cool…”

    Customer: “YEAH IT IS! On TV they try to tell us that things can’t travel faster than the speed of light, but I know that’s garbage! They just want us to get cancer. You NEED to get one of these things, man!”

    Me: “Um…yeah. Well, I’m sorry about the iPod then, is there anything else you need help with?”

    Customer: “What? I want the iPod!”

    Me: “I thought it would give you cancer?”

    Customer: “No. I’m PROTECTED.”

    Me: “…”

    Common Sense Is Not That High-Reaching…

    | Red Deer, Alberta, Canada |

    (This was during a first-stage fire alarm in the hotel, which was already verified to be a false alarm.)

    Guest: *completely oblivious to the fire alarm* “The elevators aren’t working properly!”

    Me: “The elevators won’t work during a fire alarm, but we already know it’s a false alarm. It will take us about 5 minutes to reset the elevator doors. If you need to get to your room right now the stairs are just outside those doors.” *pointing*

    Guest: “Why won’t they work? I don’t get it.”

    Me: “In a real emergency such as a fire, it is unsafe for anyone to use the elevators. I assure you it’s a pretty standard procedure. If you need to get up right away I can show you the stairs.”

    Guest: “Well, that’s just unsafe! What do the people trapped on the upper floors do?! HOW DO THEY GET DOWN DURING A FIRE?!”

    Nearby Guest: *patiently waiting for the elevator to be re-set* “They use the same stairs you were told to use!”

    Guest: “Well, I’m not from the city, I don’t know these things!”

    Beans From The Third Rice

    | USA |

    (On Mondays we have a medium cup of coffee for a dollar deal. A woman came in to order her drink.)

    Customer: “I would like a small coffee with steamed milk.”

    Me: “OK.”

    Customer: “Actually, it’s with soy milk.”

    Me: “OK.”

    Customer: “And you know what? Make it a medium.”

    Me: “OK, that’ll be $3.18.”

    Customer: “No, it’s only a dollar.”

    Me: “But it’s steamed soy milk, that’s different from–”

    Customer: “You guys are so soy unfriendly! If I have dairy I could go into anaphylactic shock! This is ridiculous; it’s a medium coffee! It’s only extra because of soy milk – I can’t believe this!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s extra for two percent, too.”

    Customer: “You are just a soy nazi! Give me my money back; I’m going to ****. Don’t expect to see me again – this is so ridiculous! You guys aren’t going to make any money if you aren’t more soy friendly. You’re just soy nazis!”

    Me: “…”

    More Than He Bargained For

    , | Middletown, NY, USA |

    (My father is manning tables at the local flea market. A man comes up to the table and picks out an item that’s priced at $8.)

    Customer: “Will you take $6 for this?”

    Dad: “Sure.”

    (The man finds another item, this one priced at $5.)

    Customer: “Will you take $4?”

    Dad: “Sure.”

    (After a while, the man finds another item, this time priced at $6.)

    Customer: “$5?”

    Dad: “Sure.”

    (Finally, the man gathers all of his items together and winds up for the ultimate bargaining ploy.)

    Customer: “How about $20 for all three?”

    Dad: “Sure.”

    (Dad was always an agreeable sort.)

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