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    Hell Hath No Fury Like A Customer Scorned

    | Oregon, USA | Top

    Me: *on the phone* “Thanks for calling **** Networks, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I already called once today – I want you to stop sending me emails!”

    Me: “You’re getting emails from us? What do they say?”

    Caller: “It’s a bunch of delivery failure messages. I’ve gotten two thousand of them today, and I want you to fix it NOW!”

    (I start explaining how spammers forge emails, causing these kinds of delivery failure messages, and I begin to offer a workaround.)

    Caller: “NO! Stop bulls****ing me, just fix it NOW!”

    Me: “I’m trying to tell you that it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anyth–”

    Caller: “HEY! Can I just say something? I know a lot of stuff, and I know you can fix this, so JUST DO IT!”

    Me: “Well, it’s…”

    Caller: “JUST FIX IT! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?”

    Me: “Uh… what?”

    Caller: “Mr. Dumas! How long have you been Mr. Dumas?!”

    Me: “Is that a pun?”

    Caller: “Yes, and you’re a f***ing idiot! If you had half a brain, you’d be smart! So are you going to fix it or not?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Caller: “Well, seeing as how you never asked for my name, I think you’re just trying to blow me off!”

    Me: “As I said, it’s not a matter of ‘fixing’ anything…”

    Caller: “Do you know who I am?!”

    Me: “No, you never told me your name.”

    Caller: “That’s right! And I’m not going to! I’m going to keep calling and wasting your time like you’ve wasted mine! I bet you could have handled 5 customers in the time we’ve been on the phone!”

    Me: “Yes, you’re probably right.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m just going to keep calling!”

    Me: “Who will that benefit?”

    Caller: “ME!”

    Me: “How?”

    Caller: “VENGEANCE!”

    Camping By Any Other Name

    | Lexington Park, MD, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Thank you for calling the *** Lexington Park, this is ***, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’d like to make a reservation for tonight, leaving tomorrow.”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re sold out for tonight.”

    Caller: “Sold out? You mean you don’t have anything?”

    Me: “No, I apologize. We are completely sold out.”

    Caller: “You can’t be! I need a room. I mean, I’ll take anything! Do you have any suites left?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. No more rooms left. That’s what ‘sold out’ means. Everyone has checked into their rooms already.”

    Caller: “I don’t believe you! Hotels always have some kind of room set aside for people when they’re sold out.”

    Me: “Well… I could fix a roll away bed up on the roof for you if you like. It’s gonna rain a little later, so I hope you don’t mind getting wet.”

    Caller: “Really? That would be great! Thank you so much! How much does it cost?”

    Me: “Have a good day, ma’am…”

    For The Love Of God, Gestate

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Customer: “Hi, can I speak with [another employee] in the keyboards department?”

    Me: “I’m afraid [another employee] is on maternity leave. Is there anything I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Well, when is she coming back?”

    Me: “Realistically, in about a year.”

    Customer: “Well, can she hurry it up!?”

    Me: “She’s… having a baby.”

    Customer: “I know that! Just tell her to hurry it up!” *hangs up*

    Burned With Goblets Of Fire, No Doubt

    | Douglasville, GA, USA |

    (This happened quite a few years ago, but it’s still one of my fondest bookstore memories.)

    Customer: “Do you happen to sell that Harry Potter book?”

    Me: “Yes, sir, we do. Would you like me to show you where they are?”

    Customer: “If it’s no trouble…”

    Me: “No trouble at all. ”

    (I lead him over to the children’s section and hand him the first book in the series.)

    Me: “Here you are. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “No, I think that’s all I need.”

    (The customer shovels a dozen copies of the same book into his arms.)

    Customer: “The church is having a book burning tonight and I just need to make sure I bring enough.”

    Me: *laughs*

    Customer: *completely serious* “I’m not joking.”

    Me: “Oh. Well, you do realize that there are now four books in the series?”

    Ah, Love/Hate Relationships

    | Staten Island, NY, USA |

    (A woman and her boyfriend walk into the store and up to the cake showcase.)

    Me: “Is there anything I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need a cake for my sister’s birthday. I want that one…” *points to the cake of her choice*

    Me: “Would you like me to write anything on it?”

    Customer: “Yeah, put ‘Happy Birthday, [sister's name]‘. No, wait… make that, ‘Happy Birthday, Slut’.”

    Customer’s boyfriend: “Do you think you should put that on her birthday cake?”

    Customer: “Yeah, why not? She a slut!”

    Customer’s boyfriend: “Yeah, you right.”

    Customer: *motions to me* “Go on, write that!”

    (I go into the back to write “Happy Birthday, Slut,” and bring the cake back out.)

    Customer: “Oh, that’s perfect! Thank you!”

    Me: “… have a nice day, ma’am.”

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