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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Feline Felony

    | Christchurch, New Zealand | Liars & Scammers, Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

    (I am finishing my break and heading back to the checkout, a woman frantically calls me over and asks me if she’s allowed to take a free cat food sample, and I tell her yes. About 10 minutes later she comes through my lane, with 50 or more cat food samples stuffed down her top, cradled in her arms, and in her handbag.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, the free samples are one per customer.”

    Customer: “I was just picking some up for my friends.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but your friends will have to come and pick up their own sample.”

    (She sighs and throws all the samples that she was holding in her arms onto my checkout.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but you also have a lot more of our samples down your top and in your bag. You can’t have those ones, either.”

    Customer: “How dare you! I will have you know that I am currently eight months pregnant!”

    Me: “I told you that you could have a free sample ten minutes ago, and you weren’t pregnant then.”

    Customer: “Oh, s***!”

    (She empties all the samples from down her top onto the floor and sprints from the store, trailing escaped samples from her handbag as she goes.)

    21st Century Courtship

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

    (I am an 18 year old male. I’m working one of the rides when a younger male comes up to me.)

    Teenager: “Hi.”

    Me: “Hey.”

    Teenager: “Will you hug my little sister?”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Teenager: “It’s a dare, just hug her!”

    Me: “No thank you?”

    Teenager: “Why not?”

    Me: “I might getting arrested for pedophilia.”

    Teenager: “What?”

    Me: “Nothing.”

    Teenager: “You’re gay aren’t you? I bet you’re gay. That’s why you won’t do it!””

    Me: “That’s it, I’m gay. I don’t want to hug your sister because I’m gay.”

    Teenager: “Oh. Will you hug me, then?”

    There Is No Voice Of Reason

    | Petaluma, CA, USA | Books & Reading, Language & Words, Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi! Welcome to [electronics store]. What brings you in today?”

    Customer: “I need an electronic English to Spanish dictionary.”

    Me: “Okay, right this way.”

    Customer: “Does it talk?”

    Me: “No. We don’t sell translators here.”

    Customer: “This isn’t a translator?”

    Me: “It will translate English words to Spanish words, but it won’t speak them. It will only show you the text.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid! If I knew how to speak the d*** language, I wouldn’t need the d*** dictionary!”

    That Helpful Attitude Needs To Be Shelved

    | Long Island, NY, USA | Bizarre, Books & Reading, Uncategorized

    (I am shelving a couple books. I have two books in my hands, each going in different sections.)

    Customer: *pointing* “Oh that book goes over here and that book goes over there.”

    Me: “But–”

    Customer: “The book goes right here.”

    Me: “Yes, I–”

    Customer: *takes book from me* “The book goes in this spot here.”

    Me: “I know.”

    Customer: “I’m not trying to tell you how to do your job. I’m just trying to be helpful!”

    Me: “Thank you?”

    Blood Must Run Thick In Their Family

    | Austin, TX, USA | Family & Kids, Uncategorized

    (I am calling a mother about her 3-year-old son, who is exhibiting signs of pink-eye.)

    Me: “I’m calling from [camp name] about your son.”

    Customer: “Oh no, is he all right?”

    Me: “Well, there seems to be something wrong with his eye. It’s swollen and he hasn’t been able to stop itching it, and it’s very red and inflamed.”

    Customer: “Is he bleeding?”

    Me: “Well, no. But I think it might be a good idea to pick him up and maybe take him to your family doctor.”

    Customer: “So he’s not bleeding?”

    Me: *pause* “No. But these symptoms can sometimes be indicators of something serious and often contagious. I really think you should come get him.”

    Customer: “Why are you calling me if he’s not bleeding?”

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