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    Kramer Vs Dracula

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thanks for calling [law firm]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I was wondering. Is there any precedent with custody cases involving Satanic vampire covens?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Satanic vampire covens.”

    Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m looking to get custody of my child from my ex-wife because she’s recently joined a Satanic vampire coven. I have photographic evidence of her wearing ceremonial robes and drinking human blood. Is there anything I can do?”

    Me: “I’m not sure. Let me go ask someone.”

    Customer: “Ah, nevermind. I’ll just figure it out myself.” *click*

    It’s Not All Right, Part 2

    | Morgantown, WV, USA | Uncategorized

    (The customer is checking out at my register for her purchase. She pays by credit card.)

    Me: “I just need your signature on this slip and then we’ll be all set.”

    (The customer is having a difficult time getting the pen to write. Before I can explain that it’s the kind of paper we use, she comes up with her own conclusion.)

    Customer: “I can’t get the pen to write. It must not be a left-handed pen.”

    Related:
    It’s Not All Right

    Data Sent Packeting

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Uncategorized

    Student: “Hi, my computer has been acting up recently. I keep getting this blue screen.”

    Me: “Sure, let me take a look.”

    (I perform some simple diagnostics and determine that the hard drive is bad. It will die pretty soon.)

    Me: “Looks like your hard drive is failing. Since you didn’t buy your computer through the school, we can’t fix it. I would suggest calling the manufacturer. Also, make sure you back up your data as soon as possible. There is no telling when it will die. There’s no way of retrieving the information later if it’s dead.”

    Student: “Do you sell external hard drives here?”

    Me: “No, but you can get one from these stores.”

    (I hand the student a list of stores. Three months later, the student comes back to the help desk.)

    Student: “Hi, so my computer turns on but the screen is blank.”

    Me: “Looks like your hard drive is dead. You’ll have to replace it.”

    Student: “So, can you get my data off the drive?”

    Me: “No, we can’t. Did you back up your files?”

    Student: “Oh, no I didn’t. I actually remember you telling me to get a back up drive a few months ago. So, can you get my files off the drive?”

    Me: “The drive is dead, there’s nothing I can do.”

    Student: “So, there’s no way of getting my files now? I can get my friend’s external drive and you could use that.”

    Me: “That’s not how it works.”

    Student: “Oh. I figured I could just wait until it died.”

    Not Remotely Interested

    | IL, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m looking for one of those video tape players.”

    Me: “Oh, a VCR?”

    Customer: *confused* “No, one of those video tape players.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. They are called VCR’s. They’re a bit ancient now, but we have one used for cheap. It doesn’t come with it’s manual or remote, if that’s okay with you?”

    Customer: “Well, no. That’s not going to work for me. How am I supposed to work your magic box without instructions?”

    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse, Part 2

    | Amherst, MA, USA | Top

    (The following written exchange takes place in a log book where users report problems with computers.)

    User: “The mouse pointer on computer five doesn’t work. Please fix it.”

    Me: “Hello [user]. I was unable to reproduce the problem. The mouse on computer five is working fine.”

    User: “Are you insane? The pointer hardly budges when you move the mouse. Fix it, nerd.”

    Me: “Sorry but I’m still unable to find any problems with the mouse on PC 5. I cleaned it as a precaution.”

    User: “This is stupid. That mouse still doesn’t work! I’ve come here three times and I can’t use the stupid computer. I can’t believe they pay idiots like you to work here. Get a new mouse!”

    Me: “Hi. I still can’t find any problems, but I replaced the mouse on computer 5 just for you. Try it now.”

    User: “It’s still not working, but forget it. I’m meeting a professor here tomorrow to look at the mouse. I want him to read this and see what kind of idiot is working here.”

    Professor: “The problem with Computer 5 is resolved. The user was picking up the mouse and aiming it at the screen. I showed him how to use the mouse pad. Keep up the good work!”

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    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse

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