No ID, No Idea, Part 8

| Greenville, SC, USA | Uncategorized

(I work security at a nightclub.)

Me: “ID, please.”

(I look at the customer’s ID.)

Me: “Sir, are you sure you want to use this ID?”

Customer: “It’s mine. I’m old enough.”

Me: “I don’t think so, sir. And, if I’m right, you’ll be spending time explaining things to the nice officer in the office.”

Customer: “That’s my ID and I’m 21.”

Me: “Okay, let’s go.”

(I begin escorting him to the office.)

Customer: “I don’t get it. What was the problem with it?”

Me: “Well, for starters, I’ve seen a lot of IDs come through here. I’m not aware of any state that uses photos with a beach scene background.”

No ID, No Idea, Part 7
No ID, No Idea, Part 6
No ID, No Idea, Part 5
No ID, No Idea, Part 4
No ID, No Idea, Part 3
No ID, No Idea, Part 2
No ID, No Idea

Needs A Seeing-Eye-To-Eye Dog

| San Diego, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(Our dog boarding is less than $30/night. A client walks into my office while I am on the phone, and immediately begins tapping her foot impatiently. I smile at her and indicate that I will be with her in just a moment. I hang up and turn to her.)

Me: “Hello, Mrs. [name]. Welcome home! You’re here to pick Molly from boarding, right?”

Client: “Finally. What’s the damage this time? I swear every time I bring her in, your prices get higher.”

Me: “I’m so sorry you feel that way. Actually just so you know, ma’am, our prices haven’t changed since we moved into this facility three years ago.”

Client: “Exactly! You all are just trying to pay for your new building by hiking up prices for your clients. You should be ashamed! I have been a client for years! I should be entitled to some privileges!”

Me: “I’m so sorry. I have to charge all our clients the same price. It wouldn’t be fair otherwise.”

(The client begins tapping her foot again, glaring at the floor.)

Me: “Well, with eight nights of boarding and a bath, the total comes to [total]. Will that be cash or credit?”

(The client throws her purse on the floor.)

Client: “You’ve got to be f***ing kidding me! My hotel didn’t cost that much for the week I was gone! You dumb b***! I am not paying more for my dog’s hotel than I did for mine!”

Me: “Less than $30/night for your hotel? Oh my, how lucky! I remember you telling me when you dropped Molly off that you were going to stay at the Four Seasons. That must have been some deal you scored! What booking website did you use, if you don’t mind me asking?”

(The client turns red, looks away, and slides her credit card across the counter as she mumbles.)

Client: “Forgot I told you that. I’ll be paying by card.”

Taking Charge Of The Charges

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi. Thank you for calling [bank]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I never received my statement this month! You are just sitting on it and waiting for me to be late! You want to rack up my rate and screw me over! You are even billing me for stuff I never bought!”

Me: “Sir, what charge are you referring to?”

Caller: “This one by [company].”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m reviewing your account and I don’t see that charge on there.”

Caller: “Are you stupid? I see it right here black and white! Are you calling me a liar?”

Me: “No, sir. I do apologize. I’m just not able to see the charge you are referring to. Are you looking at the statement with that charge on it?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “Okay, so I’m going to pull up the statement you’re looking at, so I can see what you see. Is it the statement that says from this month to this month?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “And it has this balance at the top, and this transaction and this transaction on these dates?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “Well, sir. I do see the charge here from [company]. It is showing as an escort service. It seems to be from the same company you always use. They just changed the way the name appears on the bill. Also, the statement in your hand is the one you just told me you never received. As we have now established you did in fact receive it, when can we expect the payment to be coming in?”

Caller: *click*

Failing The Sick Trick

| Gaithersburg, MD, USA | Top

Me: “Okay, sir. Your total is $87.19.”

Customer: “I have cancer.”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “I have cancer. What’s my total now?”

Me: “Still $87.19, sir.”

Customer: “What? I’m dying from cancer and you’re going to charge me an outrageous amount?”

Me: “Sir, my mother had cancer. She can’t smell or taste anything anymore. She doesn’t get a discount when we eat out just because she can’t smell or taste it.”

Customer: “I refuse to pay full price.”

Me: “How long have you been in treatment?”

Customer: “Two years.”

Me: “What kind of cancer?”

Customer: “Lymphoma?”

Me: “Hodgkin’s or Non?”

Customer: “Non…?”

Me: “Large cell or small cell?”

Customer: “Large?”

Me: ”I must say, sir, you have an amazing wig! I almost thought it was your real hair!”

Customer: “This IS my real hair!”

(The customer pauses, and then realizes what has happened.)

Customer: “F*** you!” *storms out*

His Requirements Don’t Add Up

| CA, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “Hi. I’m calling about your GED program.”

Me: “Well, we don’t have a specific program for the GED. I can assure you that all of our tutors are more than able to tutor the level of math on the GED.”

Caller: “Well, I’d like someone who has personal experience with the GED.”

Me: “Yes, but the GED test is for people who weren’t able to graduate high school.”

Caller: “Right.”

Me: “So, you want to be tutored by a tutor who didn’t graduate high school?”

Caller: “You don’t have anyone?”

Me: “No. All of our tutors graduated with honors and are now in college.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. Well, can you let me know if you ever get someone who is qualified?”

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