Featured Story:
  • Bigotry Is Not On The Menu
    (1,945 thumbs up)
  • If Half A Brain, Then Half Off

    | Anne Arundel County, MD, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Miss? I have a question for you.”

    Me: “Of course, what can I help you with today?”

    Customer: “I found these movies on that rack over there. The sign says “2 for $20″ and I was wondering how much they would be if I bought both of them.”

    Me: “Ma’am, anything on that rack is $20 if you buy two.”

    Customer: “No, I want these two specifically. The tags on them say that they are $20 each!”

    Me: “I can see the confusion here, but I assure you that if you buy both of those they will only be $20.”

    Customer: “But the tags say $20!”

    Me: “Actually, ma’am, I’m pretty sure I remember seeing you in here a few times before. Those are $20 a piece, but since you’re such a loyal customer I’ll knock off half.”

    Customer: “Oh, thanks! You’re so helpful!”

    It Takes Two Baby

    | Altoona, PA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling, my name is [name]. May I have your phone number please?”

    Customer: “Okay…2.”

    (I wait a few seconds for the customer to finish. The customer stays silent.)

    Me: “And what’s the rest?”

    Customer: “No that’s it.”

    Me: “Your phone number is 2?”

    Customer: “Oh! I thought you asked me what my favorite number was!”

    A Diet Made Up Of Wishful Shrinking

    | Oxford, OH, USA | Uncategorized

    (The customer orders a large mix of cake batter and chocolate ice creams, with cookie dough mixed in.)

    Customer: “Do you know how many calories are in this?”

    Me: “I don’t know. Probably over 1000.”

    Customer: “Oh God, you’re kidding right? Please tell me you’re kidding. I’m on a diet and I can’t have anything over 100 calories.”

    Me: “Sorry to hear that.”

    Customer: “I feel horrible about myself. I’m going to get fat. Please, tell me it’s under 100 calories.”

    Me: “Okay. It’s 95.”

    Customer: *instantly perks up* “Really? I can’t believe this whole thing is only 95 calories! I feel great about myself now!”

    (The customer skips off and goes to her girlfriends, bragging about how she’s sticking to her diet.)

    Deliver Us From Stupidity

    | Tempe, AZ, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi thank you for calling [pizza chain]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I ordered a pizza two hours ago and it still hasn’t arrived.”

    Me: “I am sorry about that, sir. Can I get your phone number? We can see what happened.”

    (The customer gives me the phone number.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but it appears your order was placed for carryout.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t understand what that means.”

    Me: “Well, it means you need to actually come down to the store and pick it up.”

    Customer: “Oh, I thought it meant you would carry it out to me.”

    Me: “No sir, that would be delivery. Would you like me to switch it to delivery for you?

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Badly Signed

    | UK | Uncategorized

    Me: “Good afternoon you’re though to [phone company]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’m trying to work an application on my phone and it’s asking me for a star sign, but you guys haven’t given me one.”

    Me: “We would not give you a star sign. Those are to do with the stars and when you were born.”

    Customer: “I didn’t sign up for that!”

    Me: “It’s not something to sign up for; it’s to do with the constellations around the date of your birth. For example, I am a Pisces.”

    Customer: “What am I then?”

    (I check online using the date of birth on record.)

    Me: “You are Aquarius the water bearer.”

    Customer: “Eh?”

    Me: “Your zodiac is Aquarius.”

    Customer: “My what?”

    Me: “Never mind. You are an Aquarius.”

    Customer: “So do I just put that into the phone then?”

    Me: “Give it a try!”

    Customer: “Will do! If I’m not an Aquarius, can I call back?”

    Page 1,783/2,599First...1,7811,7821,7831,7841,785...Last