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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Please See The Sci-Fi Section

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Customer: “What is this Blu-ray thing? Are they like movies?”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, they are like DVDs, but with better graphics and sound. Let me show you this packet we have that explains it.”

    (I show her the packet.)

    Customer: “OK, well, do you have any movies that are 3-D?”

    Me: “We have The Polar Express and the Hannah Montana concert, but those are not going to be near the quality that you see in the theaters.”

    Customer: “Oh. What about holograms? Do you have any movies on holograms?”

    Me: “What? No, those don’t really exist ma’am…”

    Customer: “Oh. I’ll just come back later and check then.”

    Please See The Time Travel Section

    Shoot First, Worry About Living Later

    | Washington, USA |

    (I work for a propane company, and I had the following customer call in one day.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Your damn tank is hissing at me!”

    Me: “Well, that sounds like a gas leak sir. How large is the leak, and can you see where it’s coming from?”

    Customer: “It’s coming from the d*** hole in the tank where I shot it!”

    Me: …you shot our propane tank?”

    Customer: “How else was I suppose to get the gas out?”

    Symphony In Underage Minor

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Top

    (I work at a music store which also offers private lessons. There’s a student practicing on a piano when another customer comes in.)

    Me: “Welcome to [music store], how may I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like a to buy a piano for my son. He’s starting lessons next week.”

    Me: “Digital, upright, or grand?”

    Customer: “I just want a piano!”

    Me: “Certainly. This is the Roland RD-700GX, which–”

    Customer: “Is that girl for sale with that piano?” *points to the girl*

    Me: “Uh, no, ma’am. That is a student. She’s just practicing.”

    Customer: “Well, I want that girl to teach my son! How much does she cost?”

    Me: “Ma’am, she is NOT for sale.”

    Customer: “She’s not? But she’s sitting right there! This is false advertisement!”

    Me: “We sell pianos, ma’am. Not children.”

    Customer: “But it’ll be so romantic to have that playing in the background during meals!”

    Me: “Ma’am. For the last time, she is not for sale. Please stop.”

    Customer: *walks over to girl* “Hello!”

    Girl: “Uh…hi?”

    Customer: “How much do you cost?”

    Girl: *without missing a beat* “Lady, you must be really desperate if you’re looking for a hooker in a music store!”

    Customer: *quickly leaves the store*

    I’ll Go Where He’s Going

    | London, UK | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [travel agency]. Which brochure would you like to order?”

    Customer: “I’d like to order ten virgins, please.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “Ten virgins, please–”

    (There’s a moment of silence; the customer and I both realize at the same time that he meant to say ‘ten Virgin Holiday Brochures’. To keep the conversation from going awkward, I chime in.)

    Me: “How fresh would you like your virgins, sir?”

    Customer: “This year’s editions will be fine, thanks!”

    Putting The Pow In Kung Pao

    | Elmira, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant]. What would you like today?”

    Customer: “I’d like fried rice with the chicken and broccoli.”

    Me: “Sure.” *I put food on plate*

    Customer: “Now, add lots of the broth on the rice. Lots and lots and lots.”

    Me: “Okay.” *I add sauce to rice*

    Customer: *watches and starts making noises of pleasure* “Ohhh! Yeah! Ohhh!”

    Me: “…”

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