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    Tell Jesus It’s Time To Rise And Shine…Again

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA |

    (After each holiday, our store marks down all the related holiday inventory. This particular incident occurred about a week after Easter.)

    Customer: “I was looking for some paper plates to match these napkins with the cute little bunnies and eggs on them.”

    Me: “There weren’t any plates that matched those back there?”

    Customer: “No! It’s ridiculous! I mean, how can you be out of Easter stuff?”

    Me: “Well, Easter was last week. Most of the stuff is gone.”

    Customer: “Do you know when the next shipment of these Easter plates will be?”

    Me: “…next Easter?”

    Customer: “You’re not going to get any new Easter shipments till NEXT Easter?! Why the h*** not?”

    Me: “Because…Easter is over? I don’t think we’re expecting anyone to celebrate Easter until it comes around again.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just ridiculous! I should be able to celebrate Easter when I want! I’m only buying these so I’m stocked up for next year at a quarter of the price!”

    Me: “…”

    These Hallowed Halls Of Fancy Book Learnin’

    | Evansville, IN, USA |

    (This took place in our college library.)

    Me: “Could I help you find something?”

    Patron: “Yeah, I’m looking for a book.”

    Me: “We have lots of books here. Is there anything in particular you’re looking for?”

    Patron: “Yeah – ‘Tuesdays With Morrie’. Do you have it?”

    Me: “Well, if you sit at one of the computers, I can show you how to use our system and we can look it up.”

    Patron: “Never mind, I’ll just look around.”

    (A few minutes pass, then he walks up to me again.)

    Patron: “I couldn’t find it. Do you have ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’?

    Me: “I can show you how to look at our system and see if we have it.”

    Patron: *angry* “I didn’t come to college to learn anything!”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t think I can help you.”

    The Chump With The Hump Under Her Rump

    | Cleveland, OH, USA |

    (I’m bus passenger and notice another passenger sitting with one half of her butt on one seat, and the other on another. The divider is between them, squarely up her crack.)

    Bus driver: “Ma’am, you’ll have to move. This bus is very crowded and you’re taking up two seats.”

    Passenger: “What do you mean I’m taking up two seats? This is how you’re supposed to sit.”

    Bus driver: “No it isn’t, ma’am. You’re straddling the divider.”

    Passenger: “You mean this isn’t the ass cheek divider?”

    Bus driver: “No, ma’am, that’s the seat divider!”

    Passenger: “Aw… but it feels good to sit like this!”

    Bus driver: “Well, ma’am, your …pleasure… will have to wait.”

    Wireless, Clueless and Hopeless

    | Limburg, Belgium |

    (A customer calls into our tech support line and says she is having a problem with her computer.)

    Me: “So, do you see an error message?”

    Customer: “No, I don’t get any errors. I don’t get anything!”

    Me: “Okay, what do you see on your monitor?”

    Customer: “I only get a black screen. Can you please fix it? I have a paper due tomorrow.”

    Me: “Ma’am, if your screen is black, that means your laptop isn’t turned on. Are there any lights lit?”

    Customer: “I don’t see any lights…”

    Me: “Well, can you try pressing the power button?”

    Customer: “That doesn’t work.”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m sorry, but I think there’s a problem with your computer.”

    Customer: “That’s impossible! I just bought it!”

    Me: “Hmm, strange. Did you charge the battery?”

    Customer: “What do you mean, charge it?”

    Me: “Well, did you plug your computer in a power socket, with the included power supply?”

    Customer: “I need to plug it in? I thought it was WIRELESS!”

    Octomom, The Early Years

    | St. Thomas, ON, Canada |

    (A middle-aged woman who doesn’t look too well comes up to my checkout.)

    Me: “Hi! How are you today?”

    Customer: “I think I’m in labour.”

    Me: “Oh! Shouldn’t you be in the hospital?” *starts scanning her items*

    Customer: “Nah, this is my third one. I won’t go to the hospital until I know it’s coming out.”

    Me: “Oh. Um… all right.”

    (I finish ringing her up and hand her her bags.)

    Customer: “Yeah, it doesn’t hurt or anything. After the first one, you don’t really notice!” *takes her things and leaves*

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