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    Why Judgment Day’s Gonna Be A Cakewalk

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Top

    (I’ve just finished ringing up some items for a customer and her daughter.)

    Me: “It looks like your customer card is about to expire. Would you like to renew it now?”

    Customer: “Yes, I would.”

    Me: “Okay, just press the green button on the key pad.”

    (The total rings up as $24.32.)

    Customer: “Okay, I want to pay cash.”

    Me: “Okay…”

    (We stand there for a few seconds as the customer continues to stare at the total on the register.)

    Customer: “Well, what do I do?”

    Customer’s daughter: “Are you serious?”

    Customer: “Yeah, there is no cash button. What do I do?”

    Customer’s daughter: “Mom.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Customer’s daughter: “Hand the poor woman your cash.”

    Customer: *hands me cash* “I’m so sorry…I’m used to the machine telling me what to do!”

    Customer’s daughter, to me: “She’s not too bright, but she is real pretty. She’ll probably die first when the Terminators come.”

    Customer: “Smart a**!”

    Saving The Earth, 7 MPG At A Time

    | Calgary, AB, Canada | Top

    (A customer comes up to the counter with her arms full of books. After I ring them all through, I proceed to put her books in a bag.)

    Customer: “Actually, I don’t need a bag. I’m doing my part to save the environment!”

    Me: “Oh, okay then!”

    (I hand her her receipt and wish her a nice day, but she doesn’t move.)

    Customer: “Excuse me…aren’t you going to help me carry my books to my car?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m the only employee working here and there are other customers.”

    Customer: “I beg your pardon? That’s rather rude! Help me carry my books to my car! They do it at grocery stores all the time. There is no reason why you can’t do it here!”

    Me: “We don’t do that sort of thing here. If you want, you can bring back your bags. We’ll gladly re-use them.”

    Customer: “No, I can’t do that! Now help me take my books to the car!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I just can’t leave the store unattended.”

    Customer: “Fine! But if I drop my books and damage them, you’re giving me free replacements!”

    (The customer scoops all her books up in her arms and storms out. I watch her walk all the way across to the other side of the parking lot, stop, and intentionally drop her books into a puddle. She stomps back in and barges her way to the front of the line.)

    Customer: “See, look what happened! Give me your phone right now! I am calling your managers and you’re going to get fired!”

    Me: “Alright, here is the number for our downtown store.”

    (The customer picks up the store phone and begins dialing.)

    Customer:“Yes, I need to speak with the manager right away… Yeah I’m at your south store and your incompetent employee wouldn’t help me carry my books to my car. I dropped them and now they are ruined!… Well, yes… Yes she did offer me bags… No, I’m not disabled… Yes I’m aware that shes the only… What?! I can’t believe this!”

    (The customer hangs up the phone, defeated and turns to me.)

    Customer: “You should be ashamed of yourself! At least I’m saving the environment!”

    (I watch her walk through the parking lot again and get into her vehicle. Ironically, it’s a huge SUV.)

    Songs In The Key Of Clueless

    | North Carolina, USA |

    (A customer walks in with a saxophone case, looking very worried.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I want to sell my violin, it’s in great condition.”

    Me: “Certainly, can I see the violin please?”

    Customer: “Yes, sure.”

    (At this point he opens up the sax case and places a nearly new tenor sax on the table.)

    Me: “Uh, sir, that’s a saxophone, not a violin.”

    Customer: “No, no, it’s a violin. I’m sure of it.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m telling you it’s a saxophone. A violin has strings, and a bow.”

    Customer: “No. It’s a violin. You think I don’t know a violin when I see one?”

    (The argument continues in this fashion for another 5-10 minutes.)

    Me: “Sir, are you still trading this instrument in? We can sort this out later.”

    Customer: “…what’s an instrument?”

    Me: *face palm*

    Becoming Familiar With Fiber

    | Texas, USA | Awesome Customers, Top

    (My dad was standing in an express line at the grocery store. In front of him was a well-to-do-looking woman, who clearly had several more items than the limit.)

    Dad: “You know, it’s amazing that someone who is apparently so successful can’t read.”

    Woman: *in a huff* “That sign’s for regular people, not for me!”

    (An old man behind my dad taps him on the shoulder.)

    Old man: “Here, give her this.”

    (My dad hands it to the woman.)

    Woman: “What’s this?”

    Old man: “Metamucil. It’ll make you regular.”

    Used To Be That A Few Cans Tied Together Got You Online

    | Ottawa, Ontario, Canada |

    Caller: “I noticed I have a data block on my phone.”

    Me: “Yes sir, that’s correct.”

    Caller: “Will it stop the Internet?”

    Me: “Yes sir, it blocks all incoming and outgoing kilobytes to the phone. This does include the prevention of Internet usage.”

    Caller: “Kilobytes?”

    Me: “It’s a measurement of data, sir.”

    Caller: “Well, I want to keep my Internet!”

    Me: “Then I’ll be more than happy to remove the blo–”

    Caller: “But I want to keep my block too!”

    Me: “Sir, the data block stops all incoming and outgoing data to your device. Since the Internet is made of data, it’ll get blocked too.”

    Caller: “Since when did the Internet start being made out of data and kilobytes?”

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