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    A Very Loose-Knit Family

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (I call a man from our waiting list and begin to take him to his table.)

    Customer: “Wait, I’m going to eating with my wife and daughter. How are they going to find me?”

    Me: “Oh, we have your name from the list, sir. We can send them on back when they arrive.”

    Customer: “How are they going to know my name?”

    Me: “Your wife and daughter don’t know your name?”

    Customer: “No!”

    A Lesson In Latte Linguistics

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like a GRAHN-DAY coffee. ”

    Me: “Anything else sir?”

    Customer: “This isn’t a grande!”

    Me: “You’re ordering using our competitor’s terms, sir. Their grande is our medium.”

    Customer: “Grande! Grande! BIG! Don’t you speak Spanish?!”

    Me:Si senor, hablo espanol. Quiere algo mas?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “Didn’t you just ask if I spoke Spanish?”

    Customer: “Whatever!” *pays for coffee and leaves*

    The Devil Is In The Ridiculous Details

    | Gainesville, FL, USA |

    (Two female customers are purchasing coffees and breath mints at the cafe in the bookstore.)

    Me: “Your total is $6.66.”

    Customer 1: *looking horrified* “NO! I don’t want my total to be $6.66! Let me add something else…”

    (She starts combing the gum shelves for a flavor she wants.)

    Customer 2: *patting friend consolingly* “No, don’t worry about it. You only have to worry about it if $6.66 is the amount of change you get BACK.”

    Customer 1: “OH, okay!”

    Do As I Yell, Not As I Do

    | New York, USA |

    Me: “Do you have a store credit account?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Would you like to open one? You’ll get 15% off your purchase today and–”

    Customer: “NO. I don’t open up useless credit accounts. You wonder why people are in debt all the time, it’s because they open up s*** like this. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

    Me: *silently rings up the rest of her purchase* “And how would you like to pay for this?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m going to put it on my store credit account.”

    Related:
    Do As I Shout, Not As I Do

    Sometimes They Travel In Packs

    | Australia | Food & Drink

    (I had just arrived and was beginning my shift, when a teenage girl approached the counter.)

    Customer: “Hi…do you guys sell bread?”

    Me: “Yes we do, anything you’re looking for in particular?”

    Customer: “Yeah…”

    Me: “Which is?”

    Customer: “White bread.”

    Me: “We have several kinds of white bread, what kind would you like?”

    Customer: “Oh…whatever.”

    Me: *grabs the most expensive white bread* “Sliced?”

    Customer: “Yep.”

    Me: “Thick or thin?”

    Customer: “Oh…thick.”

    Me: *slices bread and rings everything up* “That’ll be $5.50.”

    Customer: “Is it too late to get that thin-sliced?”

    Me: “…I could get another loaf for you.”

    Customer: “Oh…nah, I wouldn’t want to be a bother.”

    Me: *hands her her change and her bread* “Have a nice day.”

    (She leaves, and a clearly intoxicated man walks over to my co-worker.)

    Man: “I LIKE YOUR BUNS!”

    (He swears loudly and walks away.)

    Co-worker: “It’s gonna be a long day.”

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