More Truffle Than It’s Worth

| State College, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Top

Customer: “I’ll take the southwestern burger, but absolutely no mushrooms. I’m allergic to mushrooms.”

(I go back to the kitchen to let the cook know of the allergy. This means they have to clean every cooking utensil and grill that may have touched a mushroom. After stopping service  for ten minutes to clean, the cook lets me know of some complications.)

Me: “Ma’am, we’ve removed all allergens from the cooking area but the cook has let me know that the bun for your burger is toasted on the same toaster as the mushroom focaccia and can’t be cleaned. We can grill it on the grill for you instead?”

Customer: “That’s fine. No mushrooms. I’m allergic.”

(I return to the kitchen, and the cook is meticulously going through our ingredients to make sure no other issues arise. He finds
another.)

Me: “Ma’am, sorry to bother you again. But the salsa on your burger doesn’t list all of the ingredients so better safe than sorry; we didn’t put the salsa on the burger.”

Customer: “Why not? I want the salsa!”

Me: “But it probably has chopped mushrooms.”

Customer: “I don’t care. I’m not really allergic. I just really don’t like them.”

(The cook nearly killed me when I went back to tell him.)

On A Steak Out

| Dartford, UK | Criminal/Illegal, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

(I’m a policeman and my colleagues and I went to subway for something to eat. I order my sandwich and it’s the turn of my colleague.)

Officer: ” What’s in a steak and cheese?”

Assistant: “I’m sorry?

Officer: ” The steak and cheese, what’s in it?

Assistant: “Steak and cheese?”

Me: “Don’t worry, he’ll never make detective.”

Childhood Innocence, Adulthood Nonsense

| Germany | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Uncategorized

(I work as the cashier of a photographer. A customer and her husband walk in, asking for the photos of their children.)

Me: *handing them the photos* “Here you go. You have nice-looking children, by the way.”

Customer: “Thanks, but…can’t you, you know, make my daughter prettier?”

Me: “Prettier?”

Customer: “Yes, I mean, look at her!”

Me: “Madam, I am sure these photographs have been retouched well by my coworkers. If you have any complaints about their work, I can–”

Customer: “NO! I want this to be remade!”

Me: “What exactly bothers you about these photos, anyway?”

Customer: “It’s her boobs. You guys should have made them far bigger!”

Me: “You want them…bigger?”

Customer: “Yes! How hard is that?”

Customer’s husband: *quietly* “Honey, you do realize she is 8 years old?”

Size Matters

| Cleveland, OH, USA | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

(My job is just to fold/hang the clothes from the fitting rooms and put them back. A customer comes up to me with two identical shirts.)

Customer: “What’s the difference between a small and a medium?”

Me: “Um, the small is smaller than the medium?”

Customer: “I know that! Is there any other difference?”

Me: “Not really.”

Customer: “What kind of salesman are you? You don’t know that much about clothes.”

Me: “I don’t sell the clothes. I just fold them.”

Customer: “So you don’t know if there’s any difference?”

Me: “They’re the same thing. One is just smaller.”

(The customer hangs the medium on a rack, hangs the small in front of the medium. She compares the two shirts for a good 5 minutes before going with the small “because it’s smaller.”)

A Dead Giveaway

| TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Health & Body, Uncategorized

(I am answering the switchboard for a large hospital.)

Caller: “Hi, I was wondering if you could tell me what phone company the hospital uses?”

Me: “I’m not sure. The person that has that information left at 5:00 p.m. But if you call our purchasing office in the morning, they can tell you.”

Caller: “Oh, no! It is a matter of grave importance that I find out right now!”

Me: “What is the situation? Maybe I can help?”

Caller: “My grandmother died there about a week ago and she didn’t have a will. I know for a fact that all the phone companies record all of our conversations. So, I thought maybe grandma called someone while she was in the hospital and told them what she left me.”

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