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    How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse

    , | Allentown, PA, USA | Technology, Top

    (I work engineering support late in the evening.)

    Me: “Pennsylvania Support Center. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “The cleaning crew just came through my office, and now my mouse doesn’t work. The cursor just jumps all over the screen randomly when I move it. They broke my mouse. I need a new one.”

    Me: “You have a SPARCstation with an optical mouse, correct?”

    Caller: “Yes, with the cool glass mouse-pad.”

    (Old-school optical mice used to require special reflective mouse-pads with grids etched into their surfaces. To increase tracking resolution, the vertical and horizontal grids had slightly different spacing.)

    Me: “Did the cleaning crew wipe down your desk?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Did they move your mouse-pad?”

    Caller: “What does that have to do with anything?”

    Me: “Did your mouse-pad get rotated? Is the long edge of the mouse-pad now parallel to the edge of your desk?”

    Caller: “I really don’t see why that’s relevant. I just want a new mouse!”

    Me: “The orientation of the mouse-pad matters. The–”

    (The caller cuts me off and starts to yell. I realize that I can actually hear his voice coming from down the hall.)

    Caller: “Listen! Just open a ticket and have someone bring me a new mouse. I don’t have time for this. I design chips, so I know what I’m talking about. I probably designed the chip in the phone you’re stuck answering all day!”

    (I take off my headset, walk down the hall, and walk into his office up to his desk.)

    Caller: “…so don’t try to bulls*** me with, oh. Hold on, someone is in my office.”

    (I reach down, and rotate his mouse-pad 90 degrees. I move the mouse, and the cursor happily moves around the screen as expected. I walk out of his office, back down the hall, sit down at my desk, and put my headset back on.)

    Caller: *silence*

    Me: “Thank you for calling Pennsylvania Support Center. I trust I have resolved your case.”

    Caller: *silence*

    Me: “You will be receiving your ticket number via email. Thank you.”

    Caller: *click*

    Not The Brightest Spark In The Firework Display

    | CA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Mae speaking. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want to come down and stay at your hotel. I want to stay when the Fourth of July fireworks go off. Do you know when that is?”

    Me: “On the…Fourth of July?”

    Customer: “But, that’s on a Tuesday. We want to come on the weekend.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the Fourth of July fireworks show always goes off on the Fourth of July.”

    Customer: *sternly* “Well, I guess you just lost business, didn’t you?!” *click*

    The Boy Wailed When He Saw The Orca

    | Conception Bay South, NF, Canada | Uncategorized

    (A young boy approaches the counter.)

    Boy: “Do you have any blow up sharks? I want to scare my friends at day camp.”

    (I look through our blow up water toys. I find one, but in order to get to it I have to take several packages off the hook. In doing so, the boy sees the blow up toy in front of the one I am aiming for. He looks at me, dumbfounded.)

    Boy: “THAT is not a shark. THAT is an orca.”

    Me: “I was aiming to get the toy behind it, and–”

    Boy: *holds up his hands* “Never mind!” *storms off*

    Yukon See It On A Map, Part 3

    | USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer is trying to use a vending machine. It doesn’t work, so she comes up to me.)

    Customer:“Excuse me, my bills wont work. Can I exchange you for a five?”

    (I don’t carry any cash on the shop floor.)

    Me: “Sorry. All I have is this.”

    (I pull out a Canadian five dollar bill.)

    Customer: “What the heck is that?”

    Me: “It’s a Canadian bill.”

    (The customer continues to look confused.)

    Customer: “What’s Canadian?”

    Me: “It’s the country right above you. Canada?”

    (The customer looks up to the ceiling, perplexed.)

    Related:
    Yukon Not Spend It
    Yukon Not Believe This Juan
    Yukon Spend It
    Yukon See It On A Map, Part 2
    Yukon See It On A Map

    No Reservations About Reservations

    | Hamburg, Germany | Uncategorized

    (The time is exactly 7:42pm.)

    Customer: “Hello. I’d like to make a reservation for two this evening, please.”

    Me: “Absolutely. What time will you be back?”

    Customer: “At a quarter to 8.”

    (I wait to see if this is a joke.)

    Me: “So, for right now?”

    Customer: *completely deadpan* “Yes.”

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