Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • There Is Such A Thing As A Free Lunch

    | Montreal, Quebec, Canada |

    (I’m eating lunch at the front desk of our framing shop when I get called to the back. When I return to the front, I notice a customer standing in front of my sandwich at the desk.)

    Customer: “Hi.”

    Me: “Good afternoon. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

    Customer: “No.” *stares at my sandwich*

    Me: “Well, are you in need of assistance?”

    (The woman suddenly snatches up my sandwich.)

    Me: “Ma’am, that’s my lunch. Please give it back to me.”

    Customer: “I was walking by and I got hungry.”

    Me: “Ma’am, there’s a deli down the street. Please do not eat my lunch.”

    Customer: “But it was on the counter. That means it’s complimentary! It’s my sandwich and I’m going to eat it.”

    (At this point, my coworker comes out the back.)

    Coworker, to me: “Isn’t that your lunch?”

    Customer: “It’s my lunch now! MINE.” *starts eating the sandwich* “This has MAYONNAISE in it!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. Ham and mayo.”

    Customer: “I hate mayonnaise! It looks and tastes like sperm!” *throws my sandwich on the floor and runs out the door*

    Me: “…What just happened?”

    The Blood Of Not-So-Innocents

    | Ottawa, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “I would like a discount on this shirt. It’s covered in blood! This is disgusting!”

    Coworker: “I’m very sorry about this! I can give you a 10% discount.”

    (The customer looks through the rest of her purchase, which is also covered in blood.)

    Customer: “There’s blood on all of these clothes! This is DISGUSTING!”

    (A nearby customer notices what’s going on and chimes in.)

    Another customer: “Ma’am, your hand is bleeding.”

    Customer: “Well…er…I don’t bleed like that!”

    Full Of Hot Air

    | Washington, USA |

    (Propane can only be stored in tanks up to 80% capacity. This is because when the tank gets warm, the gas expands a little. Thus, we leave a 20% buffer.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to lodge a complaint. Your driver keeps cheating me on gas.”

    Me: “Oh? How so?”

    Customer: “Well, he only fills it to 80%.”

    Me: “Oh, we only fill it to 80% to allow it expand on hot days.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! I want a full tank of gas.”

    Me: “We can’t do that, ma’am. If we fill it to 100%, the gas has nowhere to go when it expands. Your tank might rupture.”

    Customer: “You’re lying, I want my 100%! In fact, since you keep screwing me over, I want a 120% filled in that tank!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it is physically impossible to fill something 120% of capacity. We’d blow up your tank.”

    Customer: “Then tell your driver to leave the extra 20% in a bucket beside the house!”

    That’s One Giant Jump To Conclusions For Mankind

    | Oregon, USA |

    (At our electronics store, we had a stand with a WALL-E cut-out that talked when someone walked by it.)

    Movie Display: “Oooooooooh.”

    Customer: “What the–sir, SIR!”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am?”

    Customer: “That robot just moo’d at me.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “That robot over there, he’s made fun of me because I’m fat by saying ‘MOOOOOOO’.”

    Me: “Ma’am, it did not moo at you. It said ‘oooooh’. It has a sensor there for when people walk by it, making one of five pre-recorded sounds.”

    Customer: *infuriated* “No! It moo’d at me! You two are covering for each other to make fun of my appearance!”

    Feline Fickleness

    | Miamisburg, OH, USA |

    (I was stocking things in the animals department when a woman walked up to me carrying a bag of cat litter that read “White Cat Litter”. The litter in the bag was white.)

    Customer: “Excuse me..”

    Me: “Is there something you need help with, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, I was wondering if my tabby could use this litter?”

    Me: “Well yes, I believe so, unless your vet has specified a certain brand?”

    Customer: “No, no. I want to make sure my gray tiger tabby can use this. It says ‘white cat’…”

    Me: “I don’t think it matters what kind of cat you have, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Even though he’s not white?”

    Me: “Well, since grey is just a darker shade of white, I think it’ll be okay.”

    Customer: “Great! Thanks so much!”

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