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    The Geese Will Never Know What Hit ‘Em

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (At our gardens, we use dogs to chase geese away from delicate areas. I encounter two elderly patrons who are clearly unhappy.)

    Patron #1: “I think it’s disgusting that they allow dogs here.”

    Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am, the dog is an employee. He has a name tag and a paycheck.”

    Patron #2: “Then why don’t the employees chase the geese away?”

    Me: “That’s because the geese are meaner than we are. If you think you can do a better job, feel free to!”

    Honesty Against The Best Policies

    | Staffordshire, England |

    (We have a 5-item max policy for our changing rooms. One lady walked out with arms full of stuff, then went back for more.)

    Me: “Excuse me, it’s only 5 items in the changing rooms.”

    Customer: “Well, it’s never been that before.”

    Me: “Actually, we’ve been enforcing it for the last 18 months. See, there’s a sign.” *points at sign on wall*

    Customer: “I don’t actually read signs.”

    Me: “Well, at least you’ll know for next time.”

    Customer: “Oh, I won’t read it next time, either.”

    Variety Is The Vice Of Life

    | Washington DC, USA |

    Me: “Here’s your drink. Are you ready to order your food, or would you like some more time?”

    Customer: “No, I know what I wants. I wants the cheeseburger. That’s all.”

    Me: “OK, what kind of cheese would you like, and how well would you like that cooked?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “Sorry – what kind of cheese would you like, and how well would you like that cooked?”

    Customer: “Whadya mean what kinda cheese? Reg’lar yella cheese!”

    Me: “OK…and how well done would you like that?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “How well-cooked would you like the burger, sir?”

    Customer: “What you talkin’ ’bout, how well-cooked?”

    Me: “Would you like it cooked rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done?”

    Customer: “Now look – when I go to [another fast food restaurant] and order me a burger, they don’t ask me if I want it cooked! Course I want it cooked. I don’t want no raw meat. Now gimme a d*** cooked burger with some plain ol’ yella cheese!”

    Me: “Yes, sir!”

    The Offend-O-Bot 3000 Strikes Again

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Top

    (An old man walks into the lobby.)

    Me: “Hi, how are you doing?”

    Customer: “Everyone I can.”

    Me: “…”

    (The customer pulls out a cigar, lights it, then ashes it on the counter.)

    Me: “You can’t smoke a cigar in here.”

    Customer: “That’s what she said.”

    Me: “…”

    Always Right, Even When Making A Nation Of 130 Million Vanish

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Top

    Caller: “I need a provider who can speak Spanish.”

    Coworker: “Okay, we can find one for you.”

    Caller: “Really? What if I wanted a provider who spoke Japanese?”

    Coworker: “No problem, we have those.”

    Caller: “Really? You have providers who speak Japanese?”

    Coworker: “Yes.”

    Caller: “But Japanese don’t exist!”

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