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    A Tasty Threat

    | San Juan, Puerto Rico |

    (At the security checkpoint, I observed a man walking up to the checkpoint with his luggage and a Tupperware container full of soup.)

    Agent: “Sir, you can’t take that beyond this point.”

    Customer: “But it’s my soup!”

    Agent: “Sir, you can’t take a container bigger than 3 ounces.”

    Customer: “But it’s my soup!

    Agent: “I’m sorry, but you either have to eat it here or throw it away.”

    Customer: “But…it’s delicious food!”

    The Price For Solitude

    | Paris, France |

    Patient: “I want to know why I didn’t get a single room! I asked for a single room. I demand a single room!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; every single room is currently occupied by patients who must be isolated.”

    Patient: “I don’t get it. You have single rooms – why do you give those to other patients?”

    Me: “The patients in our single rooms MUST have a single room for medical reasons. They have contagious illnesses.”

    (I try to leave the room, but the patient jumps in front of the door.)

    Patient: “You’re not leaving until you give me a single room! What do I have to do to get a single room?!”

    Me: “This is ridiculous. The patients in those single rooms are contagious. We can’t put them in double rooms.”

    Patient: *screaming* “What do I have to do to get a f****** single room?”

    Me: “…catch tuberculosis?”

    Come Fly The Stupid Skies

    | New York, NY, USA |

    (I was flying in first class when two women sitting across the aisle from me buzzed the flight attendant.)

    Flight Attendant: “What can I help you with?”

    Passenger #1: “The plane seems to be shaking a lot, and I almost spilled my bottle of water.”

    Passenger #2: “Yeah, and it’s also really noisy. We can barely hear each other talk.”

    Flight Attendant: “Well, the shaking is the turbulence that the plane is flying through, and the noise is coming from the engines.”

    Passenger #2: “Can’t you turn off the engines?”

    A Rainbow Of Flavor

    | Detroit, MI, USA |

    Customer: “What does the mango smoothie taste like? Does it taste like oranges?”

    Me: “It tastes like…mangoes?”

    Customer: *exasperated* “No, mango is a COLOR. I want to know what it TASTES like.”

    Me: “Sir, mango is a fruit. The mango smoothie tastes like mango.”

    Customer: “Ugh, whatever. What does the strawberry one taste like?”

    Me: “It tastes like strawberries.”

    Customer: “I’ll take one of those!”

    Coworker: *to me* “You should’ve told him it tasted like red.”

    Not-So-Great Expectations

    | Okemos, MI, USA |

    (It was Memorial Day, and my restaurant happened to be open, although business was very slow. I then received a phone call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, can you tell me if **** restaurant is open today? *naming a competitor*

    Me: “Uh, I really don’t know if they’re open. You know you called ****, right?”

    Caller: “Of course I do, I just assumed you would know if they were open.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’re not affiliated with them. We really don’t keep track of what other restaurants in the area do with regard to their business hours.”

    Caller: “You’re not being very helpful. I think there should be something you should be able to do.”

    Me: “Have you tried calling them?”

    Caller: “Of course I’ve tried calling them. I’m not an idiot.”

    Me: “What did they say when they answered?”

    Caller: “No one picked up. I called four different times, and no one answered.”

    Me: “Well, that probably means that they’re closed today. If no one is working there, I mean.”

    Caller: “I just want to make sure – can you send someone over there to check?”

    Me: “Um, no, we can’t.”

    Caller: “Why not?”

    Me: “Because we work here. I can’t send an employee out of the restaurant to drive down the road and find out if a competitor is open today. If you really want to find out, I suggest you drive there yourself.”

    Caller: “I’m not going to waste my time and drive to a restaurant where no one answered the phone! My time is valuable.”

    Me: *losing patience* “Clearly.”

    Caller: “Look, I don’t see why this is so difficult. Just send someone down there to see if they’re open. It’s not like you’re working today.”

    Me: “Actually, we are working. Our restaurant is open today.”

    Caller: “Oh, do you have any specials?”

    Me: “…”


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