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    Coffeeholics Anonymous

    | Radford, VA, USA |

    (A customer wanders in and stares around, sighing forlornly for a while.)

    Me: “Hello there. Are you okay?”

    Customer: *very sadly* “I just miss being able to have coffee.”

    Me: “Oh, that is sad! But we do have non-coffee drinks available if you’d like…”

    Customer: “It’s just not the same!”

    (The customer grabs a bag of ground coffee, opens it and takes a deep whiff. She then shoves it back on the shelf and runs sobbing out of the store.)

    Don’t Burn Your Bridges Or We’ll Burn Your Pizza

    , | Columbus, OH, USA |

    Me: “Welcome to [pizza place], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I have a pickup for Smith.”

    Me: “That name doesn’t show up in our system… what phone number did you place it under?”

    Customer: *gives phone number*

    Me: “That’s the number for our competitor.”

    Customer: “Yes, I know… but the last time I went there, the service was so bad I told them I would never come back, and I don’t want them to know I’m ordering again. So, I thought maybe you guys could go pick it up for me?”

    Consideration Is Key

    | Roanoke, VA, USA |

    (A customer comes through the drive-thru two minutes before close and orders seven blended drinks. She starts talking to me through the window as I’m working on her drinks.)

    Customer: “Isn’t it so annoying when people come through ordering blended beverages right before close?”

    Me: *politely* “Well, it’s not too much of a hassle. It just takes a while to make each of them, that’s all.”

    Customer: “Oh. Then I’d like to order four more please. And can you hurry? I’m late for work.”

    What You See Is What You Can’t Comprehend

    | Worcestershire, UK, USA |

    (The hotel was hosting a conference. At lunchtime, I was serving at the dessert table which had a variety of different desserts and a large fruit bowl with a pineapple as the centerpiece.)

    Man: “Is that pineapple real?”

    Me: “Huh? Oh, yes it is. We put it there just as decoration, but I could get the chef to cut it up for you if you’d like.”

    Man: “No, I just wondered…. How about those apples, are they real?”

    Me: “Yes they are; all the fruit is real. Actually, we aren’t allowed to use fake fruit in decorating here anymore.”

    Man: “Really? Why not?”

    Me: “Because people kept trying to eat them and hurt their mouths.”

    Man: “You’re joking! How could they not tell the difference?”

    Me: “I…don’t know sir. Did you want any dessert?”

    Man: “Um…are the strawberries real?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Man: “Hm, they look pretty real. I’ll have some of those.”

    Why Guidance Counselors Shouldn’t Drink

    | Maine, USA |

    (I am running a bocce ball tournament, and this guest starts talking to me while I am trying to watch the game and keep score.)

    Guest: “You make a lot of money?”

    Me: “I make enough.”

    Guest: “You know, strippers make a lot of money. I heard of one who makes a thousand dollars a night.”

    Me: “Wow.”

    Guest: “How old are you?”

    Me: “18.”

    Guest: “Yeah, you should start now, before s*** starts to sag.”

    Me: “…thanks for the advice.”

    Guest: “No problem.”

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