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    A Chance To Play God

    | Acton, MA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I’m going to the temple today, and I need to get some flowers.”

    Me: “Okay, do you want fresh cut flowers or a potted plant?”

    Customer: “A potted plant. Tell me, what color do you think God would like today?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Last week I got yellow flowers and I think God liked them, but He might want something else today.”

    Me: “Um, I’m pretty sure God is in the mood for red right now.”

    Customer: “Excellent. Do you think He wants roses or azaleas?”

    Me: “…”

    Gettin’ Schooled, Kindergarten Style

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    (Our station accepts certain gas coupons which require that the gas be pumped first, and then paid for inside the store. I’ve already instructed this customer to select “pay inside” at the pump before returning to me for the discount.)

    Customer: “Alright, I’ve put $42 in my car.” *gives me the coupons*

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I needed you to select the pay inside option at the pump, and it seems that you have used your credit card outside. My computer system will not authorize this discount.”

    Customer: “What!? You told me to pump my gas first!”

    Me: “Yes, but you needed to select the pay inside option like I instructed.”

    Customer: “So you won’t give me my discount?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there is no way for me to ring it up. These coupons never expire, so you can hang on to it and feel free to use it next time.”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! You are a poopy face mister! You’re grounded!” *storms out*

    The Store, My Friend, Is Blowing In The Wind

    | Florida, USA |

    Customer: *on the phone* “I’ve been trying to order a book from your store in Palm Harbor for the last two days, but they never pick up the phone!”

    Me: “OK, what number are you calling?”

    (The customer gives me the number and I check our records. She has been calling the right number.)

    Customer: “I’ve been calling and calling and they never, EVER answer! It’s so unprofessional! I need you to contact them for me.”

    Me: “Well, to be honest, if they never pick up for you, they’re not going to pick up for me either, but I’ll see if our manager has a suggestion.”

    Customer: “Well, obviously you should try calling on the employee line!”

    Me: “We don’t have that, ma’am. We call each other’s stores with the same numbers you’re using.”

    Customer: “When you get through to them, tell them I want them to order this item…”

    (The customer gives me all the book information and her phone number, then proceeds to complain about how frustrated and angry she is about our company’s terrible attitude. I talk to my district manager, who gives me some very important news. I relay the following to this woman’s answering machine…)

    Me: “Hello, I’m calling you back about the item you wanted ordered from another store in our chain. Unfortunately, we’ve just found out that our Palm Harbor store was blown away in the recent hurricane. I’m sure this is why they’re not answering their phone. Please give us a call back any time, and let us know if we can assist you further. Have a nice day!”

    Just Check The Stalk’s Expiration Date

    | Nova Scotia, Canada |

    (This happened during corn season last year.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, how fresh is this corn?”

    Me: “It was just picked this morning, so it’s about as fresh as it gets.”

    Customer: “Yes, but God knows how long it’s been growing!”

    Going For Broke With The Gouda

    | Cottonwood Heights, UT, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “**** Pizza, will this be for delivery or carry-out?”

    Caller: “Delivery.”

    (We go through the order, and we come to the toppings.)

    Caller: “Yeah, a supreme pizza. And make sure the toppings aren’t cheesy!”

    Me: “You don’t want cheese on them?”

    Caller: “No! I said I don’t want them to be cheesy!”

    Me: “Um, our toppings are of good quality…”

    Caller: “I’m sure they are, but I don’t want them cheesy! CHEESY!”

    (I hear a kid’s voice in the background.)

    Caller: “Oh, my eight-year-old says to say, ‘don’t hold back on the toppings’. You understand that?”

    Me: “Oh…yes, I understand now.”

    Caller: “Good. Don’t be cheesy.”

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