July Theme Of The Month: Great Timing!

£500 Non-Pays Of Summer

| Brighton, England, UK | Uncategorized

(A elderly customer buys an incredible amount of food, most of which is dried pasta and tinned fruit. The total comes to £500.)

Me: “I’m sorry, but your card has been declined due to insufficient funds.”

Customer: “Why is that?”

Me: “You don’t have enough money in your account.”

Customer: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it seems you don’t.”

Customer: “No, I do. I let Prime Minister David Cameron borrow some. He’ll put it back in soon.”

Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “Oh, yes. But you mustn’t tell anyone. I need this food now, so can you just put it through, please?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but without the money, I cannot complete your transaction.”

Customer: “When I go into hibernation for the summer, I’ll need to have plenty of food in my house.”

(I am shocked into silence.)

Customer: “You’re beautiful. How about we hibernate together this summer, sweetie?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Here’s my address. Look me up as soon as July hits!”

(She hands me a piece of paper and hurries out of the shop. I look at the piece of paper. It is actually just a drawing of the sun, with the words ‘TRUST NO ONE’ written below.)

Has Too Much Four-sight

| Location Undisclosed | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [pet microchip database company]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I already have a microchip registered with your company, but our dog received another chip. We were hoping we could link them so we can avoid additional charges.”

Me: “I can fix that. What’s the old and new chip numbers?”

(The customer reads off both numbers, but one doesn’t sound right.)

Me: “Sir, what are you reading that number from?”

Caller: “It’s on the dog tag they gave us today.”

Me: “You see, that number doesn’t sound like one of our chips. Give me just a second.”

(I talk to someone in another department, who thinks the number the customer gave starting with an F should instead start with a 4. I change the number, and the number clears as a new, non-registered chip.)

Me: “Okay. We took another look at the number, and we think the tag has a misprint. If we’re not mistaken, that number should start with a 4, not an F.”

Caller: “I totally read that 4 as an F.”

Customer’s wife, faintly over the line: “That’s what I told you!”

Me: “That’s alright. We’ve already taken care of linking the two chips. Either one will work to identify your dog. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Caller: “Do you have a number for a speech therapist? Or a kindergarten teacher?”

The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 3

| Bridgeport, OR, USA | Books & Reading, Geeks Rule, Top

Customer: “Hello, do you have any of the new Twilight books?”

Me: “Yes, they’re over here.”

(I lead her to where they would be, but we appear to be sold out. This is strange as all copies were put up this morning.)

Me: “That’s strange. We seem to be out of stock. Can I interest you in anything else?”

Customer: “Ugh, fine. What about this one?”

(They point towards ‘Harry Potter’.)

Me: “Oh, that’s a great book! It’s about a boy who becomes a wizard and-”

Customer: “Are there any werewolves?”

Me: “I think so. I haven’t read them in a while.”

(The customer grabs the entire series of ‘Harry Potter’ and leaves. As I’m about to return to my workstation, two teens run up to me, high-five each other, and tell me they hid all 70 copies of ‘Twilight’ in the ceiling when no one was looking. Although impressed, I have to report them to my manager. After doing so, my manager gives them each a $10 gift card.)

Related:
The Twilight Of Our Literacy, Part 2
The Twilight Of Our Literacy

Life Is Stranger Than Non-Fiction

| Virginia Beach, VA, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer approaches the information desk at a large chain bookstore.)

Me: “Hi. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking for the non-fiction section.”

Me: “Could you be more specific?”

Customer: “The non-fiction section.”

Me: “Well, the non fiction section includes computers, travel, art, poetry, religion, health, biographies, beauty and many other topics. It’s 60% of the store. Is there one area of non-fiction you are looking for?”

(The customer begins to walk in a circle.)

Customer: “I think I will just look around.”

Related:
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction, Part 2
Life Is Stranger Than Fiction

A Mother’s Love Is Priceless, For Everything Else There’s Credit Cards

| Dayton, OH, USA | Top

(A little girl walks up to me and my coworker. She is crying.)

Me: “Oh, honey. What’s wrong?”

Girl: “I can’t find my mom.”

Me: “Well, I can page over the speaker for her. What’s her name?”

(She gives me the name. My coworker gets a description of her mother as I page. When it’s a lost child, all we say is ‘We have something of yours’ for safety reasons. This is to make sure the child does go with their actual parent.)

Girl: “I think she left.”

Coworker: “No, she didn’t. She’s probably looking for you.”

Girl: “She said she was going to leave me if I didn’t keep up.”

Me: “She didn’t mean it. Don’t worry, she’ll be here.”

(We get the girl to talk about her school and dog to keep her mind off how scared she is. It is the longest we have waited for a parent to come. Her mother finally gets there, and stops as soon as she sees her daughter.)

Mother: “Oh, you! I thought I lost my credit card. Well, come on already! You’ve slowed me down enough.”

(The girl quietly walks over to her mother.)

Mother, to me: “Next time, just say it’s my daughter so I know not to rush!”

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