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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Murphy’s Law And Customers: Do Not Mix

    | Newcastle, UK |

    Customer: “Hey, I’m booked to get the train tomorrow at 0800 to Manchester. Can you tell me if the train will be on time?”

    Me: “Good morning. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to predict if it will be on time, but this one is fairly reliable.”

    Customer: “How come you can’t just tell me if it’s going to be on time?

    Me: “Well, there’s any number of things that could go wrong on the day that I couldn’t predict. For example flooding, the train breaking down, maybe even a sick dri–”

    Customer: “Oh my god! All those things are going to be wrong with the train?”

    Me: “No, I’m sure not all that will happen at once. Those are just examples.”

    Customer: “So it’s on time, then?”

    Me, giving up: “Yes, it’ll be on time.”

    Customer: “Great, why didn’t you just say that?”

    (Sure enough the next day the whole mainline was brought to a standstill by a lorry hitting a rail bridge.)

    Customer: “YOU SAID IT WOULD BE ON TIME! NOW I’M GOING TO BE ****ING LATE!”

    Me: “Sorry sir, but I doubt I would have been able to predict that! There will be a bus coming to take you to a different station where you can–”

    Customer: *rants abusively*

    Manager: “Look, would you just piss off? We are not omniscient! Next time you need to book a train, book it somewhere else!”

    Customer: *storms out*

    Grab Bag: MMA-SF

    , | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    (I work for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s retail store. Here are a few things customers have asked me.)

    1. “Do you sell doo-rags here?”

    2. “Do you want to come live in my condo with me, wrap my gifts and keep me company?”

    3. “What?! Iced tea makes you thirsty?!”

    4. “Do my earrings make me look like Greta Garbo? Do they scream ‘I want to be alone’?!”

    5. “Are these rainbow watches for the queers?”

    Related:
    911 Grab Bag: Define “Emergency”

    The War Of 1812 Revisited

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    Me: “Have a good day, sir.”

    Old man: “Thank you. Is your family doing anything for the 4th of July?”

    Me: “Not really. We’re Canadian so we may hold a BBQ on July 1st, which is Canada Day.”

    Old man: “WHAT? You’re not American? I thought all foreigners had to become American when they came to this country!”

    Me: “No sir, my family all has green cards, so we’re all still Canadian citizens.”

    Old man: “I’M SICK OF ALL YOU F***ING ILLEGAL ALIENS TAKING ALL OUR F***ING JOBS! AN AMERICAN BOY SHOULD HAVE YOUR JOB!”

    Related:
    The War Of 1812 Redux

    Her Wiser Self Is Weeping Right Now

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Me: “Ma’am, may I see your ID for your credit card?”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: *points to the back* “Because it says to ‘See ID’.”

    Customer: “Oh, right. I wrote that there so you can take it.”

    Me: “I still need to see your ID.”

    Customer: “Why? I wrote that so you know it’s me.”

    Me: “Imagine if someone stole your card, told me they wrote ‘See ID’ and I accepted it?”

    Customer: “But that didn’t happen, it’s really my card. Just take it!”

    Plastic, It’s Faaantastic

    | Hattiesburg, MS, USA |

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling . We have thousands of rentals for 99 cents. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Uh, yeah, I just bought a movie from yer lil’ store, and uh, I can’t get the darn thing open!”

    (In our store, we have movies protected against theft by having a magnetic lock in them, so my first thought was maybe we had left the lock in.)

    Me: “Um, yes, I apologize. I think we might have left the lock in by mistake. Would you mind driving back here and–”

    Customer: “DRIVING BACK THERE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW FAR AWAY I LIVE?!”

    Me: “Oh. Sorry, ma’am. Well, I need to know if the lock is in there. Could you turn the case over and look at the bottom ridge for a little yellow tab?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “You ain’t makin’ yerself clear, honey.”

    Me: “Okay, turn the box upside down so that you’re looking at its ridge. Is there a little yellow tab there?”

    Customer: “Oh, I see. Erm. Wait. Is it inside the box?”

    Me: … I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Do I need to open it to see it?”

    Me: “Well, if there’s a lock in there, you won’t be able to open it. Please flip the case over, and look for the yellow tab in the bottom corner–”

    Customer: “Uhm, yeah. I bought this movie called Babe. It’s about a pig.”

    Me: “Yes, I’m familiar with the movie, ma’am. Now if you would please look for the yellow tab?”

    (This goes on for about five minutes. By now, I’m getting extremely frustrated and I’m tired of being friendly.)

    Me: “Ma’am, is the movie covered in plastic?!”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Well, have you tried cutting the plastic?”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Ma’am? Did you get it open?”

    Customer: “Yes ma’am! THANK YOU SO MUCH!”


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