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  • Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills

    | UK | Uncategorized

    (I’m a nurse in the UK. I’m letting a family of American tourists know that their son, who has recovered from a fever, has been discharged from hospital.)

    Me: “Mr & Mrs [Name], I’ve got some good news! Your son is fine and has been discharged. You can continue your holiday now!”

    Father: “How much do we owe you? Do you need our insurance details?”

    Me: “Oh, nothing. Your son did not need any medication. There will be no bills at all.”

    Father: “Free? But what about consultation fees?”

    Me: “Yes, free. Consultation is covered by our national health service.”

    Father: “Free, like Communism?”

    Me: “Well, I guess you could say it’s sort of socialist.”

    Father: “So we owe you nothing?”

    Me: “Nope, not a penny.”

    Father: “If I go home and cancel my health insurance, then get sick, I’ll get my medical treatment for free if I fly to the UK?!”

    Me: “Not unless you have travel insurance, or live in a country we have a medical agreement with. The US health care system is private so we can’t make an agreement.”

    Father: “But you just said the UK was communist! If it’s communist health care should be free!”

    Me: “It is, if you’re British or from an EU state.”

    Father: “Whatever. Communists!”

    Hawai’i Spell That

    | San Diego, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’d like to add my son to my policy.”

    Me: “Okay, what’s his full name as it appears on his license?”

    Customer: “Johnathan James Kai’hoalaloai’u Johnson.”

    Me: “Can I have you spell the middle name for me?”

    Customer: “Which one? He has two middle names.”

    Me: “Not James.”

    Customer: “K-a-i-h-o, um, a-l, wait. What did I say so far?”

    Sure They Can Cobble Something Together

    | Salem, OR, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Welcome to [restaurant], may I take your order please?”

    Customer: “I want a Cobb Salad, no Cobb!”

    Me: “No what?”

    Customer: “No Cobb! I don’t want no Cobb!”

    Me: “Cobb was the chef who invented the salad, he is not an ingredient. We put eggs, tomato, bacon, chicken and blue cheese on our salad.”

    Customer: “Blue cheese! That’s what I don’t want! No Cobb!”

    Me: *giving up* “One Cobb salad, no blue cheese. That will be [price], thank you!”

    (At the window.)

    Customer: “That don’t got no Cobb, right?”

    A Mother With Breast Intentions

    | Muskegon, MI, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I’m looking for a video game for my 14-year old son. Do you have any suggestions?”

    Me: “God of War just came out, and that’s pretty popular. It’s kind of a hack and slash game. Let me show you.”

    (I show her the game.)

    Me: “I do want to warn you, it might not be appropriate for him.”

    Customer: “Why is that?”

    Me: “Well, it has a lot of boobs in it.”

    Customer: “Oh, that’s fine. My son loves boobs!”

    A Victim Of Fur-Ball Abuse

    | Ft Worth, TX, USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    (I had helped a customer adopt an adorable short-haired tabby. A few days later, she comes back.)

    Customer: “I’d like to exchange this cat. I’m allergic.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. We can give you a voucher and you’re more than welcome to look at the puppies we have up for adoption.”

    Customer: “No, no. I’d like another cat. A long-hair.”

    Me: “You’re allergic though. We can’t adopt more cats to you if you’re just going to bring them back.”

    Customer: “You misunderstood. I’m allergic to this one because it’s not–”

    (At this point she waves her hand in front of her face.)

    Me: “Fancy.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “It’s just such a boring looking cat. I’d prefer something a little more fancy.”

    (She waves her hand in front of her face again. At this point I’m trying really hard not to laugh.)

    Customer: “Do you have any exotic *hand wave* cats? Anything *hand wave* fancy? Perhaps a Persian? I wouldn’t be allergic to that. Or maybe a Siamese? I’m not allergic to *hand wave* fancy cats.”

    (We ended up taking the kitten back and giving her a refund, but she is eternally barred from adopting cats from us.)

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