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    The Formula For Laziness

    | HI, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi. I was wondering if you had [brand] formula?”

    Me: “If you hold on, I will go check.”

    (I go and check. I come back on the line a few minutes later.)

    Me: “Thank you for holding, ma’am. We have the formula. Would you like me to hold some for you?”

    Caller: “No, I’m in the parking lot. I just wanted to make sure you had it today before I came in.”

    Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself, Part 2

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am a customer entering the store. I hear a loud scraping sound. I turn and notice a lady in a minivan trying to drive right over the median barrier in the road. She is trying to get into the drive-thru from the wrong direction. She gets stuck and keeps trying to drive through. I walk into the store to tell the cashier what is happening, but he stops us.)

    Cashier: “Sorry, miss. It’ll be a few minutes until we can take your order. It seems as if someone has tried to drive over the median.”

    Me: “It’s alright. I saw it happen. I was just about to tell you guys.”

    Cashier: “This happens a lot. I think it must be people who really need coffee.”

    (Just as she says that, the minivan drives up and parks. The lady rushes through the doors, and starts announcing loudly.)

    Lady: “I need coffee. NOW!”

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    Has No Problem Espresso-ing Herself
    Espresso Yourself Can Cause A Latte Problems

    Plight Of The Navigator

    , | Provo, UT, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [ISP] technical support. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “How do I get to gmail.com?”

    Me: “Type gmail.com into the navigation field of your web browser and hit enter.”

    Customer: “Huh. It says gmail: email from Google. The next one is Gmail – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Then, just a big list of things with ‘gmail’ in it.”

    Me: “Just a moment, sir. Where exactly did you type gmail.com?”

    Customer: “Into the box where the words go, near the top.”

    Me: “Is there another box with words in it even higher up? Maybe starting with http://. It’s probably followed by a www?”

    Customer: “Huh? What does that have to do with anything?”

    Me: “What does it say in that box?”

    Customer: “It says http://search.yahoo.com. Then, there’s a bunch of other stuff. Oh. Wait. What?”

    Me: “Well, what that is–”

    Customer: “Somebody needs to tell Gmail what Yahoo did to them!”

    Lindsay Lohan Is Bad For Your Health

    | NJ, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer approaches the counter with a very thick accent.)

    Customer: “Do you have the herpes?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, what?”

    Customer: “Do you have the herpes? For the kids?”

    Me: “I… uh…”

    Customer: “You know? The herpes? Beep beep? Lindsay Lohan?”

    Me: “Oh! Yes! We have Herbie Fully Loaded with Lindsay Lohan. It’s rented out. Can I call you when it’s returned?”

    Customer: “You call me when you have the Herpes, yes!”

    (The movie is eventually returned. I call the customer to let him know. His wife answers.)

    Me: “Hi, this is . The movie you reserved was just returned.”

    Caller: “Oh! The Herpes! I send my husband. The kids so happy!”

    You’ve Got A Bad Doodad

    | Kansas City, MO, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [security company]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, my keypad keeps beeping! It won’t stop. Why is it doing that?!”

    Me: “It’s probably trying to tell you there’s something going on with the system. Press the status button for me.”

    (The caller pushes the button, and it announces the issue. Her front door has a low battery in it.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am. It appears that your front door has a low battery.”

    Caller: “But what does that mean?! I don’t understand!”

    Me: “It means that the battery in the sensor on your door needs a new battery in it.”

    Caller: “I don’t get it. I’m not that technically inclined! You need to explain things better!”

    (This goes on for several minutes. I explain what the sensor is, what the problem is, and describe the battery. The customer is continually saying she doesn’t understand what I’m talking about. Finally we reach an understanding.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you see the little thingy that’s stuck on your door? Inside is a little doo-dad that they sell at the store, and you need a new one. Open up the thingy and take out the doo-dad. Go to the store, give it to the clerk and he’ll get you a new doo-dad to put in the thingy.”

    Caller: “Oh! Why didn’t you just say so?”

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