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    Books On Surveillance Tape

    | Allentown, PA, USA |

    Me: “**** Library, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I have some books that are due tomorrow, but I need to keep them longer.”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’ll need your name so I can renew the books.”

    Caller: *scandalized* “You need my what?”

    Me: “Your name, ma’am. So I can call up your account on my computer.”

    Caller: “You have my account?! How did you get that? Do you have my Social Security number?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I mean your library account. When you came in to get your library card, you filled out a form with your name, address, phone number, and email, so that we can contact you if you ever have overdue books. We don’t have your social security number.”

    Caller: “Well, I’m not giving out my name to a complete stranger over the phone!”

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Perhaps you could give me the titles of the books?”

    Caller: “Why do you need to know what I’m reading?! The books are due tomorrow! Just renew them!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there’s no way I can look up books by the due date. Without your name or the titles of the books, I can’t help you.”

    Caller: “You’re trying to steal my identity! I’m calling the cops.”

    Me: *giving up* “You do that, ma’am.” *hangs up*

    Co-worker: “You should have told her we put cameras in the books.”

    Chez Cinema

    | Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada |

    (Note: we’re in a movie theater.)

    Customer: “So, you guys got, like, showers here and everything?”

    Me: “No, we don’t.”

    Customer: *looking revolted* “Gross! So you guys just don’t wash?”

    Me: “Well, not here, but when we’re at home, yes.”

    Customer: “So you guys don’t have, like, rooms here or nothin’?”

    Me: “No, sir, we don’t live at the movie theater.”

    Customer: “THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING I EVER HEARD! *stomps off*

    Me: “…”

    Lenin, Inc.

    | Annapolis, MD, USA |

    Customer: “You only have two showings of American Carol! That’s just plain un-American! You’re all d**ned communists.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but it wasn’t selling well so we had to split it with another movie.”

    Customer: “No – it’s because you’re g**d**n commies.”

    Me: “No, sir, that’s actually capitalism. We move the movies that don’t sell well to less show times so as to maximize profits.

    Customer: “No, capitalism is American and no real American would move a movie down just because it wasn’t making money!”

    The Tiny Flaw In An Otherwise Brilliant Plan

    | Marietta, GA, USA |

    (I work at customer service and this lady could not return a lamp because it was past our 90-day return policy.)

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, the transaction for the lamp does not show up on your credit card. Has it been more than 90 days?”

    Customer: “No, I dont think so! Try it again.”

    (I try two more times and sure enough, the same thing happens.)

    Me: “Ma’am, if you bought the lamp more than 90 days ago, it does not show up in our system anymore. We can do a store credit return if you would like, but you would get the lowest price which is about $3 less.”

    Customer: “Fine. It was 92 days ago! Now can I return it?”

    Me: “I cannot do that. That purchase is not in our system anymore and the computer will only allow me to give you store credit at that price.”

    (A long argument ensues and I tell her the same things.)

    Customer: “Well, you know what? I’m going to buy this lamp again and then use THAT receipt to return it!”

    Me: “Why would you want to do that? You would technically own two and then you’re returning one. It makes no difference.”

    Customer: “Then I’ll buy a NEW one and use that receipt to return my broken one!”

    Me: “I cannot allow you to do that. I am the supervisor and would have to report that sort of potential activity to our store security and managers.”

    Customer: “How did you know what I’m going to do?!”

    Me: “…um, because you just told me?”

    Unlimited Food, Limited Intelligence

    | Delaware, USA |

    (I’ve just served the customers their unlimited salad bowl…)

    Customer: “Well, where’s my salad?”

    Me: “The bowl on the table is for everyone to share. That’s why I brought everyone their own salad plates.”

    Customer: “Yes, but where is my bowl of salad? Don’t I get my own?”

    Me: “Well, it’s supposed to be served family style where everyone eats from the same bowl.”

    Customer: “So, they are trying to cheat me out of my salad.”

    Me: “Well, it’s an unlimited salad bowl so you get unlimited free refills.”

    Customer: *turns to his wife* “See, that’s where they get you. There’s always a catch…”

    Me: “Just let me know if you need more salad…”


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