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    Penny For Your Thoughtlessness

    | Westchester, NY, USA | At The Checkout, Money

    (I am working as a cashier at a gourmet food store. A lady walks up with one item and a giant jar full of pennies. I ring her up.)

    Me: “That will be three dollars ma’am.”

    Customer: “Okay, here you go.”

    (She puts the jar down on the counter.)

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, what is the jar for?”

    Customer: “It’s how I’m paying. Are you blind?”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, do you have any cash?”

    Customer: “No I don’t! I’m just paying in pennies for the fun of it. Get counting!”

    (She proceeds to dump the pennies onto the counter. I finish counting out the 300 pennies.)

    Customer: “Could you have taken any longer?”

    (She storms off. The next customer walks up with just one item.)

    Customer #2: *without missing a beat* “I know this is going to be $5.01. Can you spare a penny?”

    Some Customers Are Completely See-Through

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | At The Checkout

    (When a customer at the store uses a credit card, we always need ID and either the last four digits and/or the security code on the back.)

    Me: “Alright, sir, I’ll just need to see your ID and credit card for a second.”

    Customer: *hands me ID* “2-9-4-7!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I have to see the credit card for security reasons.”

    Customer: *shouting slowly* “2-9-4-7!”

    Me: “Yes, sir, I heard you. But I need to be able to see the card.”

    Customer: “No. No way. I never let anyone see my card. You people are just trying to take my numbers and use my card for yourselves! No way!”

    Me: “I promise you, sir, I will not be able to memorize your 16-digit number and know your security number by looking at the front of the card for less than two seconds.”

    Customer: “I know a girl who can do it!”

    Me: “Well, I do not have that kind of memory, but what if you put your finger over the numbers and just show me the name on the card and the last four digits? I absolutely must see the card, sir, or you will have to pay with a different method.”

    Customer: “Well…I guess that would be okay. You don’t have X-ray vision, do you?”

    Me: *laughs* “No, no I don’t.”

    Customer: “Don’t laugh! I know someone who does!”

    Not The Only Thing In Need Of Maintenance

    , | Saskatchewan, Canada | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

    (We’re closed for maintenance, and have shut off all the exterior lights, including those in drive-thru. We also put a sign on the drive-thru menu stating we’re closed. A car pulls into drive-thru, and I put on a headset. All of this takes places via drive-thru speaker.)

    Me: “Hi, I’m sorry, but we’re currently closed for maintenance. Our other location down the street will be happy to serve you.”

    Customer: “Hey, we just need a minute. Your lights are off, and it’s hard to see the menu.”

    Me: “Sorry, I said we’re closed for maintenance. That’s why the lights are off.”

    Customer: “Okay, we’re ready.”

    Me: “Sorry, I said we’re closed. Our other store just a few blocks down the street will be happy to help.”

    (The customer says their order.)

    Customer: “Hello? Did you get that?”

    Me: *gives up* “Welcome to [restaurant]. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed due to the store being closed for maintenance. For service in English, please press one.” *switches to French* “Pour service en Francais, poussez le deux.” *switches to Spanish* “Para el servicio en Español, presione por favor el numero tres.”

    (Faint laughter as the rest of the car’s passengers start laughing.)

    Customer: “Uh…” *whispers* “What do I do?” *laughter from other passengers* “Uh… one?”

    Me: “Thank you for calling [restaurant]. Our hours of operation are 7 am to 3 am, except today, because we are closed… due… to… maintenance. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!”

    (Squeal of tires as the car peels away, the rest of the passengers killing themselves laughing.)

    Parental Misguidance

    | Birmingham, AL, USA | Family & Kids, School

    (Parents often call to make sure their children are where they are supposed to be or are going to be ready when they come to pick them up.)

    Me: “Computer lab, this is [name].”

    Mother: “Hi, I am looking for my son. I think he’s up there using your computers.”

    Me: “Okay, can you tell me what he looks like?”

    Mother: “Well, he’s got medium skin, he’s kind of heavy, and he looks a little slow.”

    Dieters Are Of A Sweet Disposition

    | Saskatchewan, Canada | Food & Drink

    (A customer approaches the concessions counter.)

    Customer: “Can I have a diet soda?”

    Me: “Sorry, the fountain here is all out of diet soda.”

    Customer: “That’s fine, I’ll just have a regular soda then.”

    (I give her the regular soda that she asked for. I then watch as she goes to the condiment table and grabs about 5-6 packets of artificial sweetener, dumping it all into her drink.)

    Me: “Um…? What are you doing?”

    Customer: “I’m making it a diet soda.”

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