Breathless Anticipation

| Toronto, ON, Canada |

Customer: “I want to make a complaint about that young man that works here. He didn’t help me at all and I need to find a certain book.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Was the book misplaced? Is that why he couldn’t find it?”

Customer: “Well, no. He didn’t offer to help me at all. I walked by him three times and sighed loudly, and its his job to know that I need help and to help me out.”

Me: “Are you complaining because he’s supposed to assume that you need help, even when you didn’t ask him for help?”

Customer: “It’s the polite thing to do! No one here can find books, they’re all shelved funny and its your job to know that we need help finding them. Make him do his job properly!”

Needs To Work On His Socialist Skills

| UK |

(I’m a nurse in the UK. I’m letting a family of American tourists know that their son, who has recovered from a fever, has been discharged from hospital.)

Me: “Mr & Mrs [Name], I’ve got some good news! Your son is fine and has been discharged. You can continue your holiday now!”

Father: “How much do we owe you? Do you need our insurance details?”

Me: “Oh, nothing. Your son did not need any medication. There will be no bills at all.”

Father: “Free? But what about consultation fees?”

Me: “Yes, free. Consultation is covered by our national health service.”

Father: “Free, like Communism?”

Me: “Well, I guess you could say it’s sort of socialist.”

Father: “So we owe you nothing?”

Me: “Nope, not a penny.”

Father: “If I go home and cancel my health insurance, then get sick, I’ll get my medical treatment for free if I fly to the UK?!”

Me: “Not unless you have travel insurance, or live in a country we have a medical agreement with. The US health care system is private so we can’t make an agreement.”

Father: “But you just said the UK was communist! If it’s communist health care should be free!”

Me: “It is, if you’re British or from an EU state.”

Father: “Whatever. Communists!”

Hawai’i Spell That

| San Diego, USA |

Customer: “I’d like to add my son to my policy.”

Me: “Okay, what’s his full name as it appears on his license?”

Customer: “Johnathan James Kai’hoalaloai’u Johnson.”

Me: “Can I have you spell the middle name for me?”

Customer: “Which one? He has two middle names.”

Me: “Not James.”

Customer: “K-a-i-h-o, um, a-l, wait. What did I say so far?”

Sure They Can Cobble Something Together

| Salem, OR, USA |

Me: “Welcome to [restaurant], may I take your order please?”

Customer: “I want a Cobb Salad, no Cobb!”

Me: “No what?”

Customer: “No Cobb! I don’t want no Cobb!”

Me: “Cobb was the chef who invented the salad, he is not an ingredient. We put eggs, tomato, bacon, chicken and blue cheese on our salad.”

Customer: “Blue cheese! That’s what I don’t want! No Cobb!”

Me: *giving up* “One Cobb salad, no blue cheese. That will be [price], thank you!”

(At the window.)

Customer: “That don’t got no Cobb, right?”

A Mother With Breast Intentions

| Muskegon, MI, USA |

Customer: “I’m looking for a video game for my 14-year old son. Do you have any suggestions?”

Me: “God of War just came out, and that’s pretty popular. It’s kind of a hack and slash game. Let me show you.”

(I show her the game.)

Me: “I do want to warn you, it might not be appropriate for him.”

Customer: “Why is that?”

Me: “Well, it has a lot of boobs in it.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s fine. My son loves boobs!”

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