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    When Life Presents A Fork, Choose The Right Way

    , | Illinois, USA | Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers

    Customer: *walks up to the counter* “Hey, you guys forgot my fork and croutons!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am. Here you are.”

    Customer: “Well, don’t I get free food because you guys messed up?!”

    Me: “You get a free fork and croutons.”

    Close, But No Cinema

    | Atlanta, GA, USA | Movies & TV

    (I’m working the outside ticket counter and an elderly woman comes up to buy a ticket.)

    Customer: “I want a ticket to see [movie].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. That movie’s not showing here.”

    Customer: “Yes, you do. I’d like a ticket, please.”

    Me: “No, ma’am, we’re not showing that. Did you see it listed in the paper? Sometimes some of the titles get switched around.”

    Customer: “No. I saw the commercial for it and it said it was ‘showing at a theater near you’, and this is the closest theater to my house!”

    When Two Wrongs Make It Right

    | Washington, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (The night previous we had a customer shoplift about $300 worth of merchandise while I was on shift. Thankfully, while she did get away with quite a bit, she escaped with only one boot of a pair as I had removed the second boot, with ink tag intact, pending acceptance of her check.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store name] what can we help you find today?”

    Caller: “Hi! I was at your store last night and the lady that helped me shorted us a shoe!”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What style was it?”

    Caller: “A [brand]. It was the right shoe. She was going to take the tag off and never did! I live far away so do you think you could transfer it to the [different location] store?”

    Me: “I don’t believe that would be feasible as we don’t have a way to get it to that store, but we might be able to mail it to you! Can I get your name, phone number, and address?”

    Caller: “Sure. It is [name, number & address].”

    (I get off the phone looking like the Cheshire cat. The thief had just given her full name, phone number, and address.)

    John Paul The Third (Time’s A Charm)

    | Dublin, Ireland | Funny Names

    Me: “Hi, Paul speaking. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Who?”

    Me: “Paul.”

    Customer: “John?”

    Me: “No, Paul.”

    Customer: “John?”

    Me: “No, Paul. P-A-U-L.”

    Customer: “That’s not how you spell John!”

    Reaching New (Faren)Heights Of Stupidity

    | Manila, Philippines | Math & Science, Top, Tourists/Travel

    (I overhear a tourist couple at breakfast one table over.)

    Customer: “Every day! This coffee is never hot enough.”

    Customer’s husband: “You’re just gonna have to get used to that. In these countries that use the Celsius scale, they boil their water at only 100 degrees.”

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