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    A-Pee-l For An Appointment

    | OR, USA | Health & Body, Uncategorized

    (Some of the exams we schedule require that a patient have a full bladder at the time of the exam in order to get the appropriate images.)

    Caller: “Hi, I was hoping you might have an opening for an OB ultrasound this afternoon?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, the schedule is actually very full today. I could get her in tomorrow afternoon if you’d like?”

    Caller: “No, that’s okay. She’s just here now with a full bladder and we didn’t want to waste it.”

    Don’t Get Your Pantyhose In A Twist

    | Canada | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

    (The phone rings. My co-worker, a very proper, older lady, answers it.)

    Coworker: “Thank you for calling [name of store] Beauty Department. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Do you have pantyhose on?”

    Coworker: “I beg your pardon?”

    Caller: “Do you have pantyhose on?”

    Coworker: *shocked* “Oh my! Such filth! I have never in my life!”

    (She hangs up and runs to the break room completely flustered. A minute later the phone rings again and I answer it this time.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store name] Beauty Department, how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes hello, I would like to know if you have pantyhose on sale this week? My husband called to check for me a moment ago and somebody hung up on him.”

    An Authorized Idiot

    | Benicia, CA, USA | Books & Reading, Uncategorized

    (A customer calls the store and asks me to look up a book for her.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can not find a book with that title. Do you know who the author is? I might be able to find it that way.”

    Customer: “I don’t know who the author is, but I know who wrote it!”

    I Sense Toil And Trouble

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Movies & TV, Religion, Uncategorized

    (A customer hands me a ticket to a movie that we are not ready to let people into yet.)

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. The auditorium for [movie] is just being cleaned right now.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. No problem.”

    Another customer: *comes running up to me* “What did you say about [movie]? What’s wrong?”

    Me: “Nothing is wrong. We’re just cleaning the seats and aisles before we let people in.”

    Another customer: “Oh, thank goodness! I thought you said it was being ‘cleansed’. I don’t want a movie theater that believes in that new-age spiritual witchcraft stuff!”

    Me: “Oh. Nothing like that happens here.”

    Another customer: “Good!”

    (The movie she was waiting to see? ‘Season Of The Witch’.)

    Caldera Cravings

    | CA, USA | Math & Science, Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

    Tourist: “Have I seen everything there is to see here?”

    Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. What have you seen?”

    Tourist: “Everything on the way in. Have I seen it all?”

    (I point out several of the other options.)

    Tourist: “Can I drive through any of the caves?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry. They all have to be walked through.”

    Tourist: “That’s ridiculous! Is there at least an elevator?”

    Me: “Nope, just stairs.”

    Tourist: “Well, where’s the river of lava? I was here a few years ago, and I got to stand by the lava.”

    Me: “Ma’am, molten lava hasn’t been here for over 1,000 years.”

    Tourist: “Yes it has! I’ve seen it! You just haven’t been here long enough!”

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