An Authorized Idiot

| Benicia, CA, USA | Books & Reading, Uncategorized

(A customer calls the store and asks me to look up a book for her.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I can not find a book with that title. Do you know who the author is? I might be able to find it that way.”

Customer: “I don’t know who the author is, but I know who wrote it!”

I Sense Toil And Trouble

| Toronto, ON, Canada | Movies & TV, Religion, Uncategorized

(A customer hands me a ticket to a movie that we are not ready to let people into yet.)

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. The auditorium for [movie] is just being cleaned right now.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. No problem.”

Another customer: *comes running up to me* “What did you say about [movie]? What’s wrong?”

Me: “Nothing is wrong. We’re just cleaning the seats and aisles before we let people in.”

Another customer: “Oh, thank goodness! I thought you said it was being ‘cleansed’. I don’t want a movie theater that believes in that new-age spiritual witchcraft stuff!”

Me: “Oh. Nothing like that happens here.”

Another customer: “Good!”

(The movie she was waiting to see? ‘Season Of The Witch’.)

Caldera Cravings

| CA, USA | Math & Science, Tourists/Travel, Uncategorized

Tourist: “Have I seen everything there is to see here?”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am. What have you seen?”

Tourist: “Everything on the way in. Have I seen it all?”

(I point out several of the other options.)

Tourist: “Can I drive through any of the caves?”

Me: “Nope, sorry. They all have to be walked through.”

Tourist: “That’s ridiculous! Is there at least an elevator?”

Me: “Nope, just stairs.”

Tourist: “Well, where’s the river of lava? I was here a few years ago, and I got to stand by the lava.”

Me: “Ma’am, molten lava hasn’t been here for over 1,000 years.”

Tourist: “Yes it has! I’ve seen it! You just haven’t been here long enough!”

Get The Correct Word, Step By Step

| Omaha, NE, USA | Funny Names, Spouses & Partners, Uncategorized

(I’m stocking the shelves in the electronics/gadgets section when a husband and wife come over. The husband is shouting behind the wife.)

Husband, to me: “Pedometer! She wants a PEDOMETER!”

Wife, to husband: “Shut up! I know what I want!”

Husband: “Tell her it’s a Pedometer!”

Wife, to me: “Hi, do you have any pedofi–”

Me: “Pedometers!”

Customers Are Going Gaga

, | San Juan, Puerto Rico | At The Checkout, Money, Musical Mayhem, Top

(I’m working the cash register. A male customer of about 40 comes by and places their order. He proceeds to give me his credit card.)

Me: “May I see some ID, please?”

(He stares at me for a moment then breaks out into song as he hands me the ID.)

Customer: “Can’t read my, can’t read my, no you can’t read my pooooookeer faaaaaaace!”

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