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    Masticating Morons

    | Albany, NY, USA |

    (A customer walks up to the retail counter with about 70 packs of gum in a canvas shopping bag.)

    Me: “Hello, will this be everything for you today?”

    Customer: *panicked* “Do you think it will be enough?!”

    Me: “Er…enough for what?”

    Customer: “For the exam!” *leans forward* “I plan to write my essay one letter at a time on each piece of gum. As I’m taking the exam, I’ll stick them on the desk in front of me, in order. It’s genius!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but that will fail on so many different levels.”

    How About Long Johnson Silver

    | Kansas, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need that book about the whale and the guy trying to get it.”

    Me: “Oh, Moby Dick? It’s right back here.”

    Customer: “WHAT?! I don’t want a book about dick! EW!”

    Me: “Um…Moby Dick is about the white whale and Captain Ahab. By Herman Melville. It’s a classic.”

    Customer: “Oh. Do you have any copies with a manlier title?”

    A Whole Lotta Latte

    | Wales, UK |

    Customer: “Could I have a mug of chino?”

    Me: “…sorry, a what?”

    Customer: “Mug of chino. I don’t think a cup of chino is enough.”

    Me: “…a cappuccino?”

    Customer: “No, a mug of it.”

    Me: “…”

    Because Aramaic Is Sooo Last Millenium

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah. I rented this movie, and ya’ll gave me the wrong one. This one has subtitles, and I wanted it in English.”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. But Passion of The Christ is supposed to be in subtitles. It’s the way Mel Gibson made it.”

    Customer: “Ya gotta be kiddin’ me! Why would he do somethin’ stupid like that?”

    Me: “Well, I’m guess he just wanted to be true to its roots.”

    Customer: “The idiot. Everyone knows the Bible is in English!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “So, can you fix it or what?”

    Me: “Fix it? What do you mean?”

    Customer: “Call up that Gibson feller and tell him to send you guys the English version!”

    Time To Break Out The Tin Foil Hats

    | Ontario, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company]. My name is ***, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m being hunted by the FBI.”

    Me: “Sorry to hear about that…is there something I can help you with?”

    Customer: “The problem is, my cable TV is fine but no internet. The lights on the modem aren’t solid.”

    (As we go through all the normal steps, I hear the sounds of cars passing by and honking in the background.)

    Me: “Um, where are you?”

    Customer: “Oh, on the pole.”

    Me: “The…telephone pole?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’ve stripped the wire going to the house and stuck it directly in the modem. It still doesn’t work.”

    Me: “How are you powering your modem then?”

    Customer: “Oh, I have about 3-4 extension cords coming from my house. You know that it’s easier for the government to track what you watch on TV then what you do on the internet? I think I will cancel my cable TV.”

    Me: “Is that what you want to do? I can get a tech for you tomorrow morning if you want.”

    Customer: “Nah, just send me to billing.”

    Related: Tin Foil Hats (Wikipedia)

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