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    Beauty Is Pain… Mental Pain

    | Bradenton, FL, USA | Top

    (I work in the Fragrance and Cosmetics department, and one slow night I had this phone conversation.)

    Customer: “Hi, I bought a lipstick earlier today and I can’t work it.”

    Me: “Um, OK. What exactly do you mean?”

    Customer: “I just…I can’t work it.”

    Me: “All right, well, some of them are packaged weird. What brand is it?”

    Customer: “Lancome.”

    Me: “Those are pretty standard, they work just like any other lipstick.”

    Customer: “But how do I work it?”

    Me: “Um, you just twist the top part in one direction, and the bottom part in the other direction.”

    Customer: “But after I do that, how do I get it back in?”

    Me: “You do the same thing, only in reverse.”

    Customer: “But there’s a hole in the top. Is this the kind I can’t carry in my purse? It would get all over everything.”

    Me: “Um, well, the lid is reusable. You can put it back on the lipstick after you twist it back down.”

    Customer: “Oh, that part can go back on. I see! How clever.”

    Endangered With Comb-Overs

    | Washington, DC, USA |

    (A man walks up to me with his son while I’m tending the Bird section.)

    Man: “Excuse me, what are those birds?”

    Me: “They’re bald eagles.”

    Man: “Well, that’s just so g**d**n cheap! Our nation’s capital, and we can’t even afford young eagles!”

    Me: “Sir, that eagle isn’t very old at all. Eagles have a life span of–”

    Man: “Don’t give me any excuses! I know they’re old! They’re bald! You only get bald when you’re old!”

    Man’s son: “Yeah, just like you Dad!”

    Man: “NOT ANOTHER WORD! WE’RE OUT OF HERE!”

    (Apparently, on his way out he had complained about the same thing to three zookeepers, and all three of them just laughed.)

    Delicious, Perhaps Not So Nutritious

    | Santa Cruz, CA, USA |

    (A blond freshman girl comes in with a few of her friends.)

    Customer: “Oh my gosh! You guys are out of oranges!”

    Me: “Yeah, sorry. But we have apples and bananas, and orange juice.”

    Customer: “No! Your guys’ apples suck! And I’m going on a HIKE; I need an orange!”

    Me: “Well…”

    Customer: “No, no it’s OK. I understand.”

    (She suddenly notices a display of baked goods next to her.)

    Customer: “Oh my gosh, are those chocolate cupcakes vegan?”

    Me: “Yeah, I think so. I can check.”

    Customer: “Well, I just want to know if it’s healthy. You know, vegan equals healthy.”

    Me: “…it’s a cupcake.”

    (She stares at the expression on my face for a second, and then walks out.)

    Best Idea I’ve Heard All Day

    | Auckland, NZ |

    (The receptionist at our computer repair store was handling a customer at the front desk.)

    Customer: “Can you fix my laptop screen? There’s a big black mark on it.”

    (The customer opens the laptop to show a cracked screen.)

    Receptionist: “How did that happen?”

    Customer: “I closed it, but there was a beer bottle lid inside. It went weird after that.”

    Receptionist: “We can repair it for you, but it will cost approximately $1,000 as this is physical damage and not covered by warranty.”

    Customer: “I am not paying $1,000 to repair a stupid laptop! You are trying to rip me off, you little b****! It’s under warranty, I know my rights!”

    Receptionist: “I am sorry, sir, but we cannot replace the LCD under warranty and you will have to pay for it yourself if you want it replaced.”

    Customer: “I’m not paying, so you can go f*** yourself!”

    Receptionist: “That’s the best idea I have heard all day, thanks! I’ll go do that right now.”

    (The receptionist goes around corner and into back room.)

    Customer: “What the f***?!” *leaves, slamming door*

    Receptionist: “Is he gone?”

    Manager: “Yes, are you finished?”

    Speak For Yourself, Part 3

    , | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me.”

    Me: “Yes, may I help you?”

    Customer:“What is this?”

    Me: “A t-shirt.”

    Customer: “Who’s the d*** picture of?”

    Me: “That’s Grizzly Adams, sir.”

    Customer: “No, it’s Charles Manson! How can you sell this in your shop? It’s disgusting!”

    Me: “It’s not my shop.”

    Customer: “You work here, why don’t you find a real job that doesn’t promote murderers and killing!”

    (The customer hands me a card: “Bill ***, Army Recruiter.”)

    Related:
    Speak For Yourself, Part 2
    Speak For Yourself

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