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    There Are No Crimes, Only Unbelievably Well-Timed Accidents

    | Missouri, USA | Top

    Me: “[Law office], how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson. He was arrested for stealing a car.”

    Me: “Okay, can you give me details?”

    Caller: “Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”

    Me: “What kind of car did he steal?”

    Caller: “A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty…”

    Me: “Okay, and what type of car does he have?”

    Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think I can help you.”

    Random Acts Of Whininess

    | New Jersey, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, what is that stuff in your greek salad? Gor-gon-zalla?”

    Me: “Gorgonzola. It is a type of cheese.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, can I get a Diet Coke?”

    Me: “Sorry, we only have Diet Pepsi.”

    Customer: *suddenly angry* “Let me see your manager, NOW!”

    (I retreat to the back and send up my manager. He has a three minute round with the customer. The customer departs, yelling, “I’m gonna sue you and your whole d*** company!” before storming out the door.)

    Me: “What was he so mad about?”

    Manager: “I was about to ask you the same thing. What did he ask you for?”

    Me: “Cheese on our Greek salad and diet soda. What was he talking to you about?”

    Manager: “The speed-dating event that was held here last night.”

    Baby On Board; Mother, Not So Much

    | Apex, NC, USA |

    (A woman comes up to our movie theater with four small girls and a baby in a carrier.)

    Customer: “Hi, four children and one adult to Hannah Montana, please.”

    Me: “All right, that’ll be $32.00.”

    Customer: *rummages around in her purse* “Oh, shoot! I’ve forgotten my wallet in the car. I’ll be right back.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem.”

    Customer: “Girls, you stay here with the nice lady…” *looks at me* “Should I leave the baby here, or take it with me?”

    Me: “Ma’am, please take your infant with you!”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Girls, be good!”

    Love The Art, Hate His Parts

    | Orem, UT, USA | Top

    (A young woman walks up to the registers with a book.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return this notebook.”

    Me: “Is there something wrong with it?”

    Customer: “Yes, there’s a naked man on the front cover.”

    Me: “Uh, that’s Leonardo Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man.”

    Customer: “He’s naked.”

    Me: “It’s a five hundred-year-old drawing.”

    Customer: *hissing* “HE’S NAKED.”

    Me: “…would you like store credit?”

    Solar Spaciness

    | Sydney, Australia |

    (A customer is looking at light-powered watches.)

    Me: “It needs to be charged with 8 hours of direct sunlight or lamp light before it will keep time.”

    Customer: “Does it have to be Australian sunlight, or can I take it to England and use it there?”

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