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    Canada, America’s Baseball Cap

    | Victoria, British Columbia, Canada |

    (A young couple with an almost stereotypical southern accent enters the shop, browses around, and pick up some things, then go to the cash desk.)

    Me: “Is that everything for you today?”

    Woman: “We’re on our honeymoon…”

    Me: “Okay… will you be paying with cash, debit, or credit?”

    (The man throws some money on the counter, saying nothing.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t take American money.”

    Man:“WHY ¬†THE &@^# NOT? AMERICA IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD!”

    Me: “Well, that might be the case, but this isn’t America.”

    Woman: “What?”

    Me: “This isn’t America. It’s Canada.”

    Woman: “But that’s part of America, right?”

    Me: “No.”

    Man: “Oh, I get it. It must be Canada day. That’s when they pretend to be independent.”

    Me: “Sir, we ARE independent. It’s a separate country. Different money, different government, different accents.”

    Man: *winks to his wife* “Right…”

    Welcome To ArkMart, My Name Is Noah

    | Nashville, TN, USA |

    (I work in the gift shop. Our zoo has an alligator exhibit consisting of 15 three- to four-foot long juvenile alligators.)

    Customer: “I was wondering if you guys sell alligators here.”

    Me: “Yeah, we have stuffed ones over here, and we have some PVC ones over here.”

    Customer: “No, like, I wanted to buy one of the alligators.”

    Me: “Like… out of the exhibit?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “Oh… well, no.”

    Let’s Try Something Simpler, Like Boiling Water

    , | Redding, CA, USA |

    (A woman comes into the store just before closing, and asks where our muffin pans are.)

    Me: “Right this way…”

    Customer: “So how do you make muffins?”

    Me: “Well… I guess you’d just have to buy a box of muffin mix and read the directions.”

    Customer: “Well, what do you usually put IN muffins?”

    Me: There’s the mix, then the eggs, then the milk, or possibly water….”

    Customer: “What do I do with all of that?”

    Me: “Normally, you would mix the ingredients and put them in the muffin pan.”

    Customer: “So I just pour them in the pan?”

    Me: “You can… but most people put the batter in paper muffin cups.”

    Customer: “So do I put the paper cups in before or after the batter?”

    Me: “…”

    Not. Funny.

    | Viera, FL, USA |

    (I am folding clothes when I am approached by an angry looking customer. I turn to her, and she lowers her voice to almost a growl and narrows her voice.)

    Customer: “I hate this store. I hate you because you work in it. I’m going to take it out on your family and kill them all.”

    Me: *alarmed*

    Customer: *glares

    Me: “Is there anything…”

    Customer: “HA! HA HA HA! FOOLED YOU! You should have SEEN your face! Got you!” *strolls off*

    Just Tell ‘Em What They Want To Hear

    | Lake Louise, Alberta, Canada |

    Me: “Hello, and welcome to ***** Hotel. How was the drive up here?”

    Wife: “Oh, it was stunning! I have never seen such beautiful trees, and the water, such a pretty color in the lake!”

    Husband: “It was a very nice drive indeed.”

    Me: “Well that’s great, we pride ourselves on our natural beauty here in Canada. Can I get your names for your reservation?”

    Wife: “Yes, indeed. Here you go.”

    (She hands me her confirmation sheet.)

    Wife: “Can you tell me though, how do you get the water in Lake Louise that turquoise color?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

    Wife: “Well the water is so clear, but it’s green, it looks like the ocean. Do you paint the bottom that color?”

    Me: “Oh no, the water has a green color because of the copper minerals in the water. When they oxidize, that’s why it looks like the ocean.”

    Wife: “Oh, that’s crazy! Everybody knows copper is brown like a penny, not green. It’s painted, isn’t it?!”

    (I tried to explain for quite some time that we don’t dye the water, and that copper is the reason it looks blue-green.)

    Wife: “Well there is no way that its natural! ”

    Me: *getting annoyed* “Yes, we drain the lake and paint the bottom of the lake at night.”

    Wife: “See, was it so hard to tell the truth?” *walks away*

    My manager: “You know, I should fire you for that… but I think I would have done the same thing.”


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