Whipped For The Cream

| MD, USA | Top

(A male customer comes into my cafe and spends five minutes staring at the baked goods before finally coming up to order.)

Customer: “Well, there’s no manly way to say this: I want a cream puff.”

Her Banking Days Are Numbered

| OH, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “Why does the automated system say it can’t find my card!? I’ve been complaining about this for months now, and I’m really disappointed it isn’t fixed!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that. Let me see what I can find. Can I have your card number, please?”

(The caller reads off 12 numbers.)

Me: “And the last 4?”

Caller: “Oh! You need all 16? Do you suppose that’s why it couldn’t find my account?”

Pay Up, Shot Down

| Kildare, Ireland | Uncategorized

(I’ve just finished ringing up a customer’s purchase and his total is €1.69.)

Me: “Ok, that’ll be one sixty-nine please.”

Customer: *giggles* “That’s what she said.”

Customer’s girlfriend: “You wish.”

Stranger In A Sweet Land

| FL, USA | Top

Me: “Hello, can I help you find anything today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for this movie. It was a funny movie and it is fairly new.”

Me: “Okay, can you tell me who is in it?”

Customer: “That fat guy from Superbad?”

Me: “Is it this movie?” *I pick up ‘Get him to the Greek’*

Customer: “Yeah! Thanks! Have a piece of candy.”

Me: “Okay.”

(I put the candy in my pocket, and walk to the counter to ring him up.)

Me: “Have a nice day!”

Customer: “You have a nice smile. You know what you win?”

Me: “No. What do I win?”

Customer: “A better piece of candy!”

(He hands me another piece of candy and walks out swinging his bag.)

Manager, to me: “Don’t eat that candy. It’s stranger candy.”

Apparently Bad Parenting

| Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

(I walk into the kitchen and see a toddler reaching for a knife, blade first. I run and grab him before he gets it. He cries, but I let him play with my necklace while I take him back out to his mother, who is attached to her cell phone.)

Mother: “Oh my God!”

(I hand him to her.)

Me: “Don’t worry Ma’am he’s fine, I just–”

Mother: “I’m calling the cops! You tried to kidnap my son!”

Me: “You’ve got to be kidding.”

Mother: “I saw you! You had my son!”

Me: “Yes, I found him in the kitchen.”

Mother: “You took him in there!”

Me: “Why would I do that?”

Mother: “Cause you want to be a mother so bad that you had to take my sweet boy!”

Me: “If I took him, why would I bring him back?”

Mother: “Stop distracting me!”

(She begins to dial 911. Another customer walks up. I recognize him.)

Officer: “Ma’am, hang up your phone. I’m a cop.”

(He shows his badge.)

Mother: “Arrest her!”

Officer: “Ma’am, I watched your son walk into the kitchen on his own accord. If anyone is getting arrested, it’s you for endangering the welfare of a child.”

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