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    Coming Soon: Backup Singer Hero

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I’m shopping in a video game store, and an older, overweight, bald man comes into the store alone and proceeds to ask the greatest question I have ever heard.)

    Customer: “Do you have the singing game that lets YOU be the star?”

    Today, We Are All From Toronto

    | Cape Cod, MA, USA |

    (The parking lot is full at a popular beach and the area is residential, so I have the job of turning cars away.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the lot is full and you’re blocking traffic so you’ll have to move your car.”

    Customer: “But we are from Toronto!”

    Me: “Um…I’m glad you drove all this way, but the lot is full. Maybe you can get some lunch and check back in a half hour?”

    Customer: “But we are from Toronto.”

    Me: “I know, I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do, I have to keep this road clear.”

    Customer: “Have you ever been to Toronto?”

    Me: “No. But please, sir, you have to move. Perhaps you can drop your family off and rejoin them later when we have spaces.”

    Customer: *angrily* “We are going back to Toronto!”

    The Next Bachelorette

    | New York NY, USA |

    (An elderly lady walks into a clothes store. She is wearing an exceedingly bright hat with a large, floppy flower on it. She obviously likes the hat very much because she looks at herself in every mirror she walks by.)

    Employee: “You sure look spiffy today, ma’am!”

    Elderly lady: “Young man, I look spiffy EVERY day!”

    When Customers Shop Past Their Naptime

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    Customer: “I can’t believe I had to open the door on my way in! It opens for me on the way out. Customers shouldn’t have to open doors.”

    Me: “But sir, if the ‘In’ door was automatic, it would smack you in the face.”

    Customer: “I don’t care! I shouldn’t be expected to open my own doors.”

    Me: “Well, you could always use the handicapped button. That will open the door for you.”

    Customer: *stomps his foot* “No! No! No! No!”

    (The customer leaves looking at me expectantly and pointing at the automatic door on his way out.)

    Wild Creatures Of The Stupid Kingdom

    | New Jersey, USA |

    (I was shopping in a comic book store with my brother when a female customer approached me.)

    Girl: “You know what I’m going to do in college?”

    Me: “Er, what?”

    Girl: “I’m going to bark after every word when talking to the first person I see! Then they’ll go to my friends and say ‘Hey, where’s ****, the girl who barks?’, and nobody will know what they mean!”

    Me: “Uh…okay. Good idea.”

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