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    Kids, This Is What We Call “Scapegoating”

    | Orange, CA, USA | Top

    Kid: “Mommy, I want this candy!”

    Mom: “No, you can’t have the candy. Put it back.”

    Kid: “I WANT THIS CANDY!”

    Mom: “You can’t have it!”

    Kid: “I WANT THIS CANDY!”

    (At this point, the mom takes the candy from the kid and hands it to me.)

    Mom: *points at me* “The bad man took the candy! You can’t have it because the bad man took it!”

    Kid: *in tears* “Why did you take the candy?!”

    Me: *speechless*

    Somebody Plays The Fool, Everytime

    | Tennessee, USA |

    (Our phone number is one digit off ¬†from a doctor’s office, so we get calls for them all the time.)

    Me: “Hello?”

    Lady: “Is this Dr. ******’s office?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.”

    Lady: “That’s impossible! Oh wait, I know what this is… this is some kind of April Fools’ joke!”

    Me: “No, ma’am. I can assure you that it is not.”

    Lady: “Yeah, uh huh. You’re good, but I would like to make an appointment and I will not take no for an answer.”

    Me: *sigh* “How is three-thirty?”

    Lady: “Wonderful! See you scamps then.” *click*

    Me, to my mom: “She told me I was playing an April Fools’ joke on her… in July.”

    Telepathy Is Fun

    | Magna, UT, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, my name is ***. What can I help you with today?

    Customer: “I’ll tell you how you can help, fix my d*** computer!”

    Me: “So what is the problem with the computer today?”

    Customer: “It’s broken. Fix it.”

    Me: “Okay, but how is it broken?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, just fix it.”

    Me: “Is it not turning on, or is it not booting up?”

    Customer: “I don’t know about computers, just fix the problem already!”

    (This proceeds for almost 15 minutes back and forth. Finally, I decide to have some fun. I ask the customer to hold on for a second. I start shuffling some papers and opening and closing my desk drawer quite loudly.)

    Customer: “What was all that noise?”

    Me: “I think I found something we can use to fix this issue.”

    Customer: “Good, so get started on it.”

    Me: “Okay… now, I’m holding in front of me a crystal ball… I’m picturing the issue with the computer…¬†the computer is broken, and I’ve found a solution…”

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager, that is very rude!”

    Me: “Sure thing, but wait… I see something else…¬†I see this call ending, now!” *click*

    (Thank goodness it was 1 AM and nobody listened in on that call, or I’d have been fired.)

    I Never Met A Simile I Didn’t Like

    | Gothenburg, Sweden |

    (I work at an amusement park. On this day I’m overseeing Skee-Ball, where you roll balls up a ramp to make them hit 4″ wide holes on the wall.)

    Customer: “How does this game work?”

    Me: “Well, it’s kinda like bowling, but without the pins.”

    Customer: “But a bowling ball doesn’t fit in those holes!”

    Me: “No…”

    Idiotic Costume Ideas, Vol. 1

    | Sacramento, CA, USA |

    (A man comes into the store. He’s covered in tattoos, sporting a buzz cut and a solid gold grill, and wearing a wife beater. He comes up to me.)

    Man: “Uh, yeah, do you guys have a KKK costume?”

    Me: “No… no, we don’t.”

    Man: “Oh, uh, do you know where I could get one?”

    Me: *repulsed* “I guess you could make one, but you’re not going to find it in any store in town.”

    (He walks off, but returns about 5 minutes later.)

    Man: “Do you have a Lorena Bobbitt costume?”

    Me: “No, sorry.”

    Man: *leaves*

    Coworker: “Who the h*** would WANT one?!”


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