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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Thirteen Bucks Can Buy A Lot Of Beans

    | Tennessee, USA |

    Old man: “I hear there’s this stuff you can put on your food that won’t give you gas.”

    Me: “Oh yeah… it’s called Beano. Put a couple of drops on your food and the enzymes in it prevent the food from giving you gas.”

    Old man: “So, you have it?”

    Me: “Yep. I’ll show you.”

    (We walk over to the shelf where Beano is kept. I show him the little 3 or 4 oz. bottle; a little goes a long way with that stuff.)

    Me: “This is it.”

    Old man: “How much?”

    Me: “$12.99.”

    Old man: “For THAT little bottle? S***, I’ll just fart!”

    Don’t Mess With Mum

    | Sydney, Australia | Food & Drink

    (I’m working in a busy cafe that my mum owns. A man approaches the counter with his plate; it is empty.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Mum: “Yes?”

    Customer: “This food had too much oil in it.”

    (The plate is hidden from her view by the large counter, behind which, she is washing dishes.)

    Mum: “Oh…? What, you want me to make you another one? You’d still have to pay for at least one.”

    Customer: “No, I want a refund.”

    Mum: “Can I see the plate?”

    (Customer holds up plate; it is basically empty: some left over slices of lettuce, a little bit of bread.)

    Customer: “There was too much oil. I didn’t like it.”

    Mum: “But… you finished it off. How can you finish a whole meal you hate? Are you kidding me?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Mum: “Get the f*** out of my store!”

    Customer: “What?”

    Mum: “F*** off!”

    Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones

    | Willimantic, CT, USA | Top

    (Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.)

    Me: *walks out of the cooler*

    Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there.

    Me: “I don’t mind it.”

    Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?”

    Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.”

    Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!”

    Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.”

    Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.”

    This Chicken Has Flown The Coop

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    (Working at the zoo, I hear a lot of strange things from visitors…)

    Me: *feeds chickens*

    Older man: “Oh, you’re a bus stop!”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Older man: “A bus stop! You’re a bus stop, aren’t you?”

    Me: “?”

    Woman: “No, she’s not a bus stop.”

    Older man: “…oh.”

    Me: *completely at a loss*

    America’s Debt Crisis, Explained

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling cardholder service, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “You sent me a bill. Why?”

    Me: “May I please have your card number?”

    Customer: “I threw it away when the balance was gone.”

    Me: “Um… can I have your social security number?”

    Customer: *gives number*

    Me: “I show your current balance is $10,027.31, due on 07/25/2008. Would you like to make a payment today so you do not get a late fee?”

    Customer: “What do you mean? Why did you send me a bill?”

    Me: “Sir, because you purchased those items you are required to repay the account.”

    Customer: “No. You gave me the money, so I spent it.”

    Me: “A credit card is a short term loan. You are required to pay it back.”

    Customer: “No, I’m not!” *click*

    (This is the third call like this in the past month.)


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