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    Luncheon And On And On

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Bizarre, Food & Drink

    (Note: I quit working at this store for 7 months and then returned.)

    Customer: “Oh so how are things? I haven’t seen you for a while.”

    Me: “Oh, good. Yeah, I actually haven’t worked here for the last 7 months. This is my first day back.”

    Customer: “Oh, I just thought you were on lunch break or something.”

    The Wrong Outlet For Your Problems, Part 2

    | Amsterdam, The Netherlands | Extra Stupid, Home Improvement

    (A customer is returning an electrical outlet with a remote control, and is complaining that the remote didn’t work.)

    Customer: “I tried everything, made the right adjustments, but no matter what I do, the light that is supposed to blink on the remote does nothing.”

    Me: “Let me have a look at this remote.”

    Customer: “I’m also fairly certain that the outlets themselves are not working.”

    (While he says that, I open up the remote control, and take out the battery.)

    Me: “Have you tried unwrapping the plastic from the battery before inserting it?”

    Customer: “You’re kidding, right? Even I wouldn’t be that stupid!”

    (I unwrap the battery before him. His mouth falls open, and he makes a face palm.”

    Customer: “No! This is not true!”

    (I insert the unwrapped battery in the remote control, and try it. The light now blinks as it’s supposed too.)

    Me: “It appears to be working now.”

    Customer: “I think I’m going to try the outlets at home. Maybe they work now, too.”

    Related:
    The Wrong Outlet For Your Problems

    A Poser By Any Other Name, Part 2

    | Newark, NJ, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Money

    (I’m not working, but I’m shopping. I’m at the register when the man in front of me starts yelling at the cashier at the top of his lungs.)

    Customer: “You can’t do this, d*** it! My coupons are good! Take them!”

    Cashier: “Sir, these coupons are expired. I’m not allowed–”

    Customer: “If you don’t take it, you’re gonna be expired! Take my coupons or I’ll sue! I’m a lawyer! I’ll sue you in court!”

    (I tap him on the shoulder.)

    Customer: “WHAT?!”

    Me: *calmly* “Are you a prosecutor or defense attorney?”

    Customer: “W-what?”

    Me: “Are you with the state, or private firm?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Where did you go to law school?”

    *pause*

    Me: “Sir, impersonating an agent of the state is a serious offense. Furthermore, there are enough witnesses and evidence to hold you in court for harassment, threatening, disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace. I’m a prosecutor. I’m with the state. My recommendation? You leave, before I make all this official.”

    (The customer runs out of the store, leaving half paid-for groceries behind. The cashier is grinning.)

    Cashier: “You want some free stuff?”

    Related:
    A Poser By Any Other Name

    Ah, Fathers, Part 5

    | New York, NY, USA | Family & Kids, Holidays

    (I’m stocking the shelves. A male customer with a small child of about four comes up to me and asks if there is a post office near by. I tell him there is one a couple of blocks away. He looks at the
    clock, then takes his son’s hand and prepares to walk out of the store. The child doesn’t want to go.)

    Customer: *to the child* “Come on, we need to go to the post office. It’ll close soon.”

    Child: “I want to look at toys.”

    Customer: “We have to go now. We can come back later.”

    Child: “You go. I’ll wait here and play.”

    Customer: “You can’t.”

    Child: “Why?”

    Customer: “Because your dad will go to jail for that.”

    (The child looks perplexed.)

    Customer: *trying to explain* “Think smaller Christmas present. And you’ll have to stay with Grandma a lot.”

    Related:
    Ah, Fathers, Part 4
    Ah, Fathers, Part 3
    Ah, Fathers, Part 2
    Ah, Fathers

    Well, That Plan Is Out The Window

    | Madison Heights, MI, USA | Food & Drink, Money

    Me: “Thank you for calling [theater]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “I had three coupons, but they flew out the window. Is there anything you can do for me?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, without the actual coupons there’s nothing we can do.”

    Caller: “Are you kidding me!? I’ve been driving thirty or forty minutes to get there!”

    Me: “I’m really sorry, but there is nothing we can do.”

    Caller: “You are so rude! Is there a corporate number I can complain too.”

    Me: “You can go on our website and file a complaint.”

    Caller: “Well, can I complain to you?”

    Me: “You already are.”

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