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    DIY Sales

    , | New York City, NY, USA |

    (A woman comes up to the counter where I am manning the register. She has her teenaged daughter in tow.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, we’re just going to get this dress for my daughter. She’s going to her homecoming dance. She finally has a date. For a while we thought she was a lesbian, but then–”

    Customer’s daughter: “MOM! ”

    Me: “Right then. That’ll be $56.99.”

    Customer: “What?! That sign said it was 50% off!”

    Me: “Er, I don’t think so. Let me check the system… Sorry, ma’am, our system says it’s full price.”

    Customer: “That’s crazy! I saw it with my own eyes!” *walks off*

    (I wait on several more customers before the woman comes back, holding a sign that says 50% off, obviously handmade with a marker and a piece of paper.)

    Customer: “See? I told you so.”

    Me: “Ma’am, where did you get that sign?”

    Customer: “I just got it off the rack.”

    Me: “Ma’am, those signs are welded to the rack. It’s apparent you just made that.”

    Customer: “I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

    Me: “And we’ll sue you for trying to screw us over.”

    Customer’s daughter: “Mom, just stop.”

    Customer: “We’re leaving!”

    Say What?

    , | Minnesota, USA |

    Cashier, to me: “Can you please help me? I have no idea what this guy is saying.

    Me: “Hi sir, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I wanna cup of onions and cheese.”

    Me: “Um, we don’t have that on the menu. Did you just want a side of onions?”

    Customer: “NO! I want the onions… those little things.”

    Me: “What do you mean? Did you want a burger with only onions?”

    Customer: “NO! I want onions and cheese!”

    Me: “Ok…” *I go to the back and get some onions in a cup* “Is this what you wanted?”

    Customer: “No. I want a cup of onions and cheese.”

    Me: “These are the only kind of onions we have here, sir.”

    Customer: “No. What is this?” *picks up a milk jug*

    Me: “A jug of milk…”

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s what I want! What is so hard to understand what I’m saying?”

    Me: “I don’t know… but those aren’t onions or cheese.”

    Customer: “It’s a hamburger!”

    Zombie Management

    | Torrance, CA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “**** Publishing, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Is Mr. **** in?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, Mr. **** passed away last month.”

    Caller: “Well, when is he coming back?!”

    Invisible Incentive

    | Burton on Trent, UK |

    (There were a series of compilation albums on release called “Air Guitar Hero”, which had a very tongue-in-cheek advertisement. I had just sold a copy to a customer who returned to the store 10 minutes later.)

    Me: “Are you OK there?”

    Customer: “Well, I didn’t get my free air guitar with this CD.”

    Me: “Excuse me? I’m not sure what you mean.”

    Customer: “This CD, it’s supposed to come with a free air guitar.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “On the advertisement, the one on TV. It says comes with free air guitar!”

    Me: “Um, that’s a joke they made on the advertisement.”

    Customer: “But it says on the advertisement I get a free air guitar with this album!”

    How Is My Excuse? Call 1-800-NOT-ALWAYS-RIGHT

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Hi, thanks for calling ****. Can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I have a complaint about your delivery driver. He was driving too slow, and in the carpool lane.”

    Me: “How fast was he going?”

    Caller: “60 miles per hour.”

    Me: “Well, sir, that is the speed limit. Was he by himself in the carpool lane?”

    Caller: “No, there were two people.”

    Me: “So, let me see if I understand. Your complaint is that my delivery driver was following the law?”

    Caller: “Yes, and I want him fired, or at least reprimanded. He made me late for work!”

    Me: “…”

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