October Theme Of The Month: Halloween!

In A Tsary State

| Queens, NY, USA | Language & Words, Top

(Two women come into my grandpa’s locksmith shop and are saying really obnoxious things in Russian.)

Woman 1: “Careful, I think he may speak Russian.”

Woman 2: “That oaf? No way.”

Woman 1: “Maybe he does.”

Woman 2: “He doesn’t.”

Grandpa: *in Russian* “He does.”

His Witnesses Will Need A Protection Program

| Indiana, USA | Books & Reading, Religion, Uncategorized

(For legal reasons, our store cannot offer any discounts on books by a certain publisher.)

Customer: “I’d like to use this coupon on my order, please.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Your order is nothing but books by [publishers], and we can’t accept the coupon on them.”

Customer: “Excuse me?”

Me: “See, it says right here in the fine print, ‘Not valid on any [publisher’s] products’.”

Customer: “Well I know that! But you need to give me the discount anyway!”

Me: “It’s against store policy. I can’t give you a discount on these books.”

Customer: “Look, I’m using these books to witness to people who don’t know the Lord. You should give me a discount because I’m giving them to people who need them!”

Me: “There is nothing I can do about that. I don’t set the prices or the policies.”

Customer: “If [bookstore] really does claim to be a Christian business, then they should give discounts to people who buy stuff to witness to other people! You’re making me waste the Lord’s money!”

His Groceries Have Just Been Terminated

| Peterborough, ON, Canada | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Uncategorized

(I am ringing up a customer at my register; she had just told me she forgot her rewards card at home.)

Me: “Do you have a reward card? Oh, shoot. Sorry! It’s just a habit to ask for it.”

Customer: “Haha, don’t worry about it, I understand.”

(There is an elderly man in line behind her.)

Elderly Man: “They’ve programmed you!”

Me: “Haha, yeah I guess they have.”

Elderly Man: *shouting alarmingly* “They’ve programmed you! You’re some sort of robot aren’t you?”

Me: *jokingly* “Yep, I’m a robot!”

Elderly Man: *totally serious* “I knew it! You filthy robot! You’re going to kill me, aren’t you? This is some kind of government conspiracy! They sent you here to kill me! Well I won’t let you!”

(He runs out of the store.)

(Ursa) Major Pain In The A**

| Moscow, Russia | Crazy Requests, Math & Science, Uncategorized

(A customer calls and asks that he and his friend need to be picked up. He sounds intoxicated.)

Me: “Where should the driver pick you up?”

Caller: “Do you know Ursa Major?”

Me: “Ursa Major? Is it a name of a local business? A restaurant or a hotel?”

Caller: “What is this world coming to? It is a constellation! In the sky! We are standing right under it!”

Discount Discounted

| Sherman Oaks, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Uncategorized

Me: “And do you have a free rewards card with us, ma’am?”

Customer: “A what? I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t know.”

Me: “If you think you have one, I can look it up by your phone number?

Customer: “My what?”

Me: *louder* “Your phone number, ma’am.”

Customer: “I don’t have one of those! I don’t think I have one! I don’t have a phone number! I don’t have one!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, that’s fine. Your total today is $26.74, and just to let you know, you could have saved $5.90 if you had the rewards card.”

Customer: “A discount? My phone number is ***-****.”

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