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  • Thou Shalt Not Pick And Choose
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    The Mother Of All Excuses

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    Caller: *crying* “I need an emergency credit on my account! My mom’s been in a car wreck and I can’t call the hospital because I don’t have any time on my phone.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that your mom’s been in an accident. Let me look at your account to see if we can put a one time courtesy credit on there.”

    (I see that there have been $30 in credits given over the last month. I also notice her mother has been missing, dying, dead, beat up by a drunk boyfriend, stabbed, shot, and taken to the hospital because of a drug overdose. And now, she has been injured in a car wreck.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t put the credit on your account. You’ve received several courtesy credits in the past, and as per corporate policy we’re not allowed to give you any more.”

    Caller: “But my mom’s in the hospital! She might die!”

    Me: “I know how this kind of situation can be really rough on someone. Maybe a friend of yours will let you use their phone?”

    Caller:“So you’re not going to put any money on my account?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but your account is not eligible for any further credits.”

    Caller: “F*** you, b****!” *hangs up*

    Now Give Me One Million Push Ups

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (Note: I am a personal trainer for this gym member, who has always been a little strange.)

    Gym member: “You always make me do difficult things!”

    Me: *joking* “Yeah, I’m sinister like that.”

    Gym member: “I don’t know what that means, so don’t tell me!”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (The next day, the same member comes into the gym with a look of panic on her face.)

    Gym member: “I went home and looked up sinister. You’re not sinister, you’re lovely!”

    Me: “No, it’s okay. I was kidding!”

    Gym member: “But sinister means evil! I do not have an evil personal trainer! You’re lovely! You’re lovely!!”

    Me: “Thanks!”

    Gym member: “Oh, you’re welcome sweetie. I’ll see you next week, but never say sinister again!”

    One Slice Of Trigonometry, Coming Up

    | California, USA |

    Customer: “How many slices are in your medium pizza?”

    Me: “We cut it into 8 slices, but if you’d like we can cut it into 12 or even 16.”

    Customer: “Oh no! Don’t do that, I can’t eat that much. Just cut it into 8.”

    If At First You Don’t Succeed, White Lie Again

    | Canada | Top

    (Note: I help callers with connection problems to our wireless zones along train lines.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “I can’t access your network!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, let me help you. Where are you currently, sir?”

    Caller: “I’m traveling in between [city] and [another city].”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but there is maintenance being done in that zone. You will have to wait 20 minutes until you are back in a working zone.”

    Caller: “What can I do?”

    Me: “Just wait till the train is a bit farther on, and you will have a connection again.”

    Caller: “This is terrible! Where’s your manager?”

    Me: “Sir, it’s 4 am so I’m the only one working.”

    (The customer hangs up, but then calls back again.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “F***!”

    (Once again, he hangs up, and once again, he calls back.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “F***!”

    (Again, he hangs up, and again, he calls back.)

    Me: “Hello, tech support. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Look, I have some important stuff to watch here. Can you fix the internet?”

    Me: “If you just wait 10 minutes sir, your internet will work again.”

    Caller: “So, in my zone, there’s no internet?”

    Me: “That’s right, sir.”

    Caller: “Can’t you move the satellite so I do have internet?”

    Me: “You want me to go into space and move the satellite?”

    Caller: *cheerily* “Yeah, that’s right!”

    Me: “Umm…well, that might take me a little bit of time, sir. I’ll have to call NASA and they’re very busy these days.”

    Caller: “Oh. How long do you think it’ll take?”

    Me: “About 10 minutes.”

    Caller: “That’s great! Thank you.” *hangs up*

    Digging Your Tree Out Of A Hole

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA |

    (I’m a landscaper paying a visit to a customer; he had called in complaining about a 5-foot sapling I had planted that was now dying.)

    Me: “What’s up with the tree?”

    Customer: “It died, see? Lemme show you!”

    (I follow the customer back to his lawn and notice that the sapling we planted a couple weeks ago was now apparently two feet tall and very dead.)

    Me: “Sir, what happened to this?”

    Customer: “It was going to get too tall so I decided to bury it deeper.”

    Me: “You buried it deeper?”

    Customer: “I dug it out, dug a deeper hole until it was the right height and then buried it again. Now it’s dead!”

    Me: “Sir, you do know you weren’t supposed to do that, right? If you wanted a smaller tree, you should have gotten a shrub.”

    Customer: “But I want a small plum tree!”

    Digging Your Way Out Of A Hole

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