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    I Came, I Complained, I Became An Employee

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like a table for two, please.”

    Me:” For two? Alright, it should only be about a minute. We have some tables being cleaned right now.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay.”

    (Thirty seconds later…)

    Customer: “Oh my God! what is taking so long?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, our busser is still cleaning the table. He should be done in a couple of minutes.”

    Customer: “Ugh! Well, this is just taking forever. Y’know, at my house, it wouldn’t take me this long to clean up my table!”

    Me: “Umm… want a job?”

    Customer: “What?! Oh…that was good.” *smiles*

    (After that, she calmly waited for the table to be cleaned.)

    Fourth Graders Going On Forty

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Rude & Risque

    (I work for a custom blinds store and a couple is having their whole house done. We’re going over everything and placing the order.)

    Me: “These windows will have an inside mount.”

    Husband: “A what?”

    Me: “Inside mount.”

    Husband: “Oh, hehe.”

    Me: “So, on this one that installer has recommended a reverse mount.”

    Husband: “Haha!”

    Wife: “Shhhh!”

    Husband: “How do you people keep a straight face?”

    Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

    Husband: “I had no idea that blinds were so sexual!”

    Me: “Oh, um…. I guess I never thought of it like that.”

    Wife, to husband: “You’re such a child!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Advice Is Cheap, Especially From Opposing Counsel

    | Germany | Top

    Me: “This is ***, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I’m calling about the court date tomorrow. Do I have to appear there?”

    Me: “Well… I see from the file that you are the defendant, while we represent the plaintiff. Did I get that right?”

    Caller: “Yes. Do I have to appear there?”

    Me: “You do realize that you are talking to your opponent’s lawyer?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well, okay. You don’t really have to appear. If you don’t appear in court, you’ll lose the case, though, because you’re not represented by anybody else.”

    Caller: “So I don’t have to appear there?”

    Me: “No, not in the strict sense of the word ‘have to’. But you do realize that you are calling the opposite lawyer, don’t you?”

    Caller: “Yes, I do.”

    Me: “Very well. I take you won’t come, then?”

    Caller: “No, I won’t.”

    Me: “Okay, very well then. Thanks for the call.”

    Caller: “Goodbye, and thanks for the advice!”

    Wet Fools Rush In Where Girlfriends Fear To Tread

    | Rochester, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hello, .”

    Caller: “Excuse me, I just got a call today saying that I hadn’t returned a DVD.”

    Me: “Alright, what DVD is it?”

    Caller: *tells me the DVD’s name*

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. I’m looking it up in the computer and it says we don’t have it.”

    Caller: “Yes, it was returned. I gave it to my boyfriend to return and I watched him put it in your drop box!”

    Me: “Well, it’s not in the drop box right now, and the boxes were cleaned out. I’m not sure what’s–”

    (The caller cuts me off to start swearing at me. As she yells at me over the phone, a man walks in through the front door, sopping wet.)

    Man: “Uh, hey… my girlfriend gave this to me to return yesterday and I forgot about it until just now.”

    (I go back to the phone.)

    Me, to caller: “Ma’am, there’s someone here I think you should speak to…”

    Preserving Life, 1-Up At A Time

    , | California, USA | Top

    (Note: Pokemon is a game with various creatures that simulate animals in it. When a Pokemon has no hit points, or HP, is is considered “fainted.” Many mistake this for something serious, but it is easily remedied by healing your Pokemon in a specific building.)

    Customer: *storms up to desk* “I DEMAND A REFUND!”

    (She slams a copy of Pokemon Platinum on the counter.)

    Me: “Certainly, what seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “My freaking fire monkey DIED! See?”

    (She pulls the DS from her pocket, turns it on, enters game, and shows me that her Pokemon [a chimchar] has no HP.)

    Me: “Well, I can…erm…revive your ‘fire monkey’ if you’d like.”

    Customer: “What are you, some freaking Pokemon priest?! MY FIRE MONKEY IS DEAD!”

    Me: “No, no, look.”

    (I control her character to go to a Pokemon Center and heal up her Pokemon.)

    Me: “There, all better.”

    Customer: “THANK YOU! YOU SAVED MY FIRE MONKEY! HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU?!”

    Me: “Um…no problem, ma’am. Glad to help.”

    Customer: “AND SO HUMBLE! YOU SAVED MY FIRE MONKEY!” *leaves store*

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