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    I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me Log In

    | Florida, USA |

    Me: “Thanks for calling ****. This is ****, how may I help you?”

    Customer: “When I try to change my password, I’m typing and it’s just making stars.”

    Me: “OK…that’s normal. It’s a security feature to prevent someone standing behind you from seeing what you’re typing.”

    Customer: “But there’s no one standing behind me…”

    Me: “…”

    Looks Real Good, Hurts Real Bad

    | Puerto Rico | Top

    (I had a bag of large crystal beads salvaged from a chandelier. The beads were the size of my palm and very heavy. As I put them away in one of my bead boxes, a teenage girl walked up to my booth at a craft fair.)

    Girl: “Hi! I love your stuff! Do you do custom orders?”

    Me: “Yes, I do! Here, look through some of these bead boxes and tell me what you like.”

    Girl: “Okay!”

    (She looks though some boxes and gasps as she discovers the large crystal beads.)

    Girl: “I love these! Can you make a pair of earrings with these?!”

    Me: “Oh! Ha ha, those beads are for a lamp I’m making. They’re too heavy to use as earrings. May I interest you in a much smaller and lighter version of those beads?”

    Girl: “NO! I want these! They’re so pretty and…bling-bling!”

    Me: “Your piercings would sag if you wore those. Let me–”

    Girl: “No! I’m the customer and this is what I want!”

    Me: *sighing* “Fine. Come back in a few minutes, and I’ll have them done. It’ll be $12.”

    (The girl looks at some other booths while I make her earrings. She returns, asks for her earrings, and pays for them.)

    Girl: *putting on earrings “I love them! Thank you so much!”

    Me: “Okay. Thank you, and remember what I said about the beads.”

    Girl: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. The beads are like crazy light!”

    (The girl leaves, looking ridiculous with the earrings, but then returns about half an hour later.)

    Girl: “My ears are killing me!”

    Me: “I told you the beads were too heavy, but you still wanted them!”

    Girl: “It’s not the beads, it’s the wire! I must be allergic to it.”

    Me: “There’s no need to yell. I use hypoallergenic materials in all my pieces. There’s no way you can be allergic to it. It’s because the beads are too heavy. I can give you a refund, but you have to give me the earrings back.”

    Girl: “No! It must be the glass, then. I’m allergic to the glass! What kind of glass is this?”

    Me: “…allergic to glass? Have you ever heard of the phrase ‘with beauty comes pain’? Well, this explains it.”

    Girl: “Oh! I get it now! Wow, if it hurts this much I must look A-MA-ZING! *skips off*

    Veni Vidi Visa: I Came, I Saw, I Went Home & Bought

    | Lawrenceville, NJ, USA | Top

    Customer: “I definitely think I want to buy this laptop.”

    Me: “That’s great, sir. If you just wait here, I can run back and get it for you right now.”

    Customer: “Oh, thanks, that would be great. And I also read something on your website about free shipping.”

    Me: “Yes…that’s true.”

    Customer: “So, do I get free shipping?”

    Me: “Um, that only applies to online orders. There’s no shipping if you buy directly from the store.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “…because you don’t need anything shipped if you buy it in the store…”

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid. Why would anyone buy it in the store when they can get free shipping online?”

    Me: “Uh…because they’re already at the store…?”

    Customer: “You know what? I think I’m gonna just go buy it online. And you should probably re-evaluate your free shipping policy. No offense, but it’s kind of stupid.”

    Me: “…”

    Live Culture Club

    | Edmonton, Alberta, Canada |

    (A man walks up to the service desk and wants to return his yogurt.)

    Me: “Sure – is it expired?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Did you just need a different flavor or something?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “All right, what’s the reason for returning it?”

    Customer: *shakes the yogurt* “Listen to that!” *shakes it again near my ear* “Doesn’t sound right!”

    Me: “I see…”

    Customer: “Yogurt shouldn’t sound like that.”

    Inconvenience Saves The Day

    | London, UK |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Pay Per View, this is **** speaking. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Uh, yeah…I, uh, used up all my credit, and I need you to give me some more.”

    Me: “You can purchase credit on our website, or through the automated system on the phone. Would you like assistance with either of those?”

    Customer: *yelling* “NO! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! YOU SAYING I’M STUPID?!”

    Me: “Um, no…I was just offering to–”

    Customer: “WELL, NOW I WANT IT FREE! I DEMAND ¬£20 FREE CREDIT!”

    Me: “I can’t just hand out free credit like that, that’s not how it works. If you have a complaint, I can transfer you to that department–”

    Customer: “NO!” *suddenly quiet* “Where is your office located?”

    Me: “We’re in ****.”

    Customer: “RIGHT! I’M GONNA COME DOWN THERE AND F*** YOU UP! I KNOW YOUR NAME, F***HEAD! I’LL F***ING FIND YOU!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Wait, where is ****, exactly?”

    Me: “Um…about an hour out of the city by bus or car.”

    Customer: “What?! Really? That far? Nah…I’ll probably leave it so. Thanks anyway. Bye.” *hangs up*


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