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    A Tale of Two Poultries, Two Meanings, And Two Hands

    | Moe, Australia |

    (It’s almost closing time at the supermarket deli. Two hot chickens are left and have been reduced to half price.)

    Male customer: “Can I please get the last 2 chickens?”

    (As I’m getting the chickens, a female customer rushes up to the deli counter.)

    Female customer: “Excuse me. I was here first, before, and I wanted one of those chickens.”

    Me: “Sorry…when I looked up, there was only one customer.”

    Female customer: “You had your head down before.”

    Me: “Well, I‚Äôm sorry. They‚Äôve been sold to this man, as he was the only customer here. Unless he‚Äôd like to let you have one?”

    Male customer: “No, I‚Äôd like them both, thanks.”

    Female customer: “I hope you choke on that chicken!” *storms out*

    Undeclared 4 Life

    | Boston, MA, USA |

    (I worked a phone counter during the commencement weekend in May, and this was a conversation between myself and a caller the day before graduation.)

    Me: “Hello, Commencement Help, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I need to know something. Am I graduating tomorrow?”

    Me: “Uh…do you mean are you walking?”

    Caller: “No, I mean graduating.”

    Me: “What’s your major?”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “Well…what college are you in?”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “…do you know what school this is?”

    Caller: “…” *hangs up*

    Co-worker: *to me* “I bet he was wasted.”

    Johnny Something-Seed

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    (I’m a cashier at a cafe-style restaurant.)

    Me: “Can I help you sir?”

    Customer: “Sure, I’d like the turkey sandwich with everything on it.”

    Me: “Okay, and what side would you like with that: chips, bread, or an apple?”

    Customer: “An apple? What’s an apple?”

    Me: “…a red fruit.”

    Customer: “Oh! I’ll take that.”

    Watching Your Back While Working Your Lats

    | Toronto, ON Canada |

    (This gentleman regularly comes to the gym and seems a little bit high-strung, but was always normal before.)

    Me: “Good morning, sir, how are you today?”

    Customer: “Not very good.”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, sir.”

    Customer: *suddenly intense* “Have you seen any NAZIS lately?”

    Me: “…uh…no?”

    Customer: “They’re EVERYWHERE.”

    Me: “Oh. Well…I certainly haven’t seen any Nazis lately, sir.”

    Customer: “Good! But they’re everywhere. You gotta watch out for them! *leaves to go work out*

    Not-so-righteous Indignation

    | Bakersfield, CA, USA |

    (A customer claims they had found cockroaches in several pizzas we had delivered earlier. My manager tells me to go ahead and give them their money back.)

    Me: “Here’s your money refunded in full, and again, we’re very sorry for this. It’s never happened before.”

    Customer: “This is unacceptable! We’re never ordering from you again. You should feel ashamed!”

    Me: “Again, we’re very sorry. If you could just give me the pizzas back, I’ll dispose of them for you.”

    Customer: “Well…I don’t have them anymore.”

    Me: “What did you do with them?”

    Customer: *sheepishly* “I gave them to my kids.”

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