Try Not To Read Too Much Into It

| Winchester, UK | Books & Reading, Family & Kids, Funny Names, Holidays, Top

(A six or seven year old boy comes into the children’s bookstore, his mother trailing behind him.)

Mother: “Go on then! Ask! She won’t know what you’re talking about and then you can stop wasting my time!”

Boy: “Hello!”

Me: “Hello.”

Boy: “I want a book.”

Me: “Well you’re in the right place.”

Boy: “It’s about a boy. Who lives with a caveman. He’s got a funny name beginning with ‘S’.”

Mother: “There. Now you know there’s no such book.”

Me: “That wouldn’t be ‘Stig of the Dump’ would it?”

Boy: *jumping up and down* “Yes yes yes! I told you mummy!”

Mother: “Don’t contradict me in front of my son!” *starts walking her son out of the shop and still talking to me* “You read too many books!”

Asking The Eggs-pert

| Chicago, IL, USA | Uncategorized

(I am serving a table of 4, getting last customer’s order.)

Me: “How would you like your eggs?”

Customer: “How do people usually get them?”

Me: “They get them whatever way they like them prepared.”

Customer: “Can you name some of the ways?”

Me: “Sure. Scrambled, sunny side up, over-easy, over-medium, over-well, poached, basted, soft-boiled, hard boiled, I think that’s all of them.”

Customer: *long silence*

Me: “Sir, what do the eggs you like best look like?”

Customer: “Can you give me some examples?”

Me: “Well, scrambled is yellow and fluffy, sunny side up the yellow is lightly cooked and the white isn’t all the way cooked, over-easy is the white part is all cooked, but the yellow is runny, over-medium is the white is all cooked with the edges a little crisp and the yellow a little thick, over-well is when the whites are cooked and a little brown and the yellow is cooked all the way through and dry.”

Customer: “Which is the one where you can dip the toast in the yellow but there’s no goopy stuff?”

Me: “Over-easy is the best option for that.”

Customer: “That’s the way I like my eggs then.”

Me: “Did you want me to write that down for you for the next time you go out for breakfast?”

All of the customer’s friends: *in unison* “Yes, please!”

A Mammoth Mistake

| Alaska, USA | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

(The gift shop I work in has many ivory jewelry and sculpture pieces. The ivory is from woolly mammoths that used to roam Alaska.)

Customer: “Where does the woolly mammoth ivory come from?”

Me: “The tusks are collected on the northern tundra by Alaskan Natives. The Natives carve the ivory and then sell it to us.”

Customer: “I think it’s so great that people aren’t allowed to hunt the mammoths anymore! I hate hunters!”

Blame A Lack Of Concentration

| Alberta, Canada | Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Liars & Scammers, Uncategorized

Customer: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “I’m trying to return this orange juice.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “It’s brown.”

Me: “Oh, wow. When did you purchase it?”

Customer: “The 19th of this month.” *hands me her receipt*

Me: “Miss, this receipt says you purchased this orange juice on the 19th of last year. You bought this 367 days ago.”

Customer: “Yes, and it’s gone brown. I’d like a refund.”

Me: “Did it not occur to you that orange juice would expire over the course of the year?”

Customer: “I thought if I waited until the 19th of the month again, it would be okay.”

In George We Trust

| Raleigh, NC, USA | Language & Words, Uncategorized

(I’ve just finished a transaction with a customer who only spoke Spanish, and am speaking to my coworker who translated for me.)

Me: *to coworker* “I really should learn Spanish. So many customers come in and that’s all they speak.”

Customer: “No, you shouldn’t.”

Me: “It really would help. I have to get someone to translate every time I have a Spanish-speaking customer.”

Customer: “But you aren’t in Mexico! You are in America!”

Me: “Well, sir, America is a melting pot of all kinds of cultures and languages.”

Customer: “But if you come to another country, you should learn the language they invented! George Washington invented English, and that’s what everyone in America should speak!”

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