How To Fleece Customers

| Sydney, Australia | Top

Customer: “There are lots of different kinds of quilt fibres. Which kind is best?”

Me: “Well, generally natural fibres are best. Wool is particularly good. It’s warm in winter and cool in summer. Plus, wool is fire resistant.”

Customer: “Well, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a sheep on fire.”

Hard Smoker

| Nanaimo, BC, Canada | Top

(I am working the till. A teenage boy walks up to the counter.)

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want [brand] smokes.”

Me: “Do you have ID?”

(He gives me a strange look.)

Customer: “Just get me the f***ing smokes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but if you-”

(He leans forwards and cracks his knuckles.)

Customer: “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”

(I notice my coworker standing behind him. He’s an ex-boxer.)

Coworker: “Okay, let’s do this the hard way.”

(The customer turns around, yelps, and runs out the door.)

Coworker: *smiling* “Aw, I don’t think he likes me.”

This Medicine Doesn’t Really Hit The Spot

| TX, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [pharmacy]. What can I help you with?

Caller: “I just bought some [acne medication]. I was wondering if you could, uh… use it on herpes?”

Me: “On herpes? [Acne medication] is a treatment for acne only.”

Caller: “So can I put it on my junk or not?”

This Customer Did A Number On You

| Houston, TX, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [business].”

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “Good morning. You’re through to [business].”

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Is this [person’s name]?”

Me: “No. You have the wrong number.”

Caller: “I don’t have the wrong number!”

Me: “Are you looking to buy a computer?”

Caller: “A computer?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. A computer.”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Then you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “I think I have the wrong number.”

Business Must Be Slow

| UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, you’re through to [phone company]. How can I help?”

Customer: “I’ve just tried to top up my phone and it won’t work. Can you put it back on?”

Me: “Sorry, that number is now cancelled. It cannot be reactivated as it has been recycled.”

Customer: *horrified* “How dare you! That number belongs to me! It is absolutely vital I get that number back. It is my business number! You people are costing me money and putting my livelihood at risk! I’ll sue! This is a disgrace!”

Me: “Madam, that number has been disconnected from your account for seven years. It has been used by two other customers since you last had it.”

Customer: *click*

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