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    The Best Of Intentions, The Worst Of Retentions

    | Gainesville, FL, USA |

    Customer: “Hello?”

    Me: “Hello ma’am, this is **** Bookstore. I’m calling to let you know the book you ordered has come in.”

    Customer: “What? You’re who?”

    Me: “This is **** Bookstore. You ordered a book from us and it’s here.”

    Customer: “I ordered a book?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I don’t remember ordering anything.”

    Me: “The order sticker says you ordered it last week. The title is Improving Your Memory.”

    For Everything Else, There’s TasterCard

    , | United Kingdom | Top

    Me: “That’s ¬£26.50, please.”

    Customer: “Can I pay by card?”

    Me: “Sure. Please enter your card into the machine, and then put in your pin code.”

    Customer: “Right, are these machines waterproof?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir?”

    Customer: “I wouldn’t get an electric shock from one, would I?”

    Me: “Err, no?”

    (Suddenly, the customer bends his head down and uses his mouth to cover up the keys. He then uses his tongue to try and push down the numbers of his pin code.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to stop! That’s incredibly unhygenic.”

    Customer: “But it’s the only way to keep it safe!”

    Me: “Have you considered covering the keys with your hand instead of your mouth?”

    Customer: “Yes, but it’s not as safe!”

    Me: “I’m afraid we’re just going to have to risk that. We can’t have you licking our machines.”

    Customer: “Bah!”

    Too Much Information, Part 6

    | Delaware, USA |

    (I’m cleaning up several tables at a restaurant and overhear this conversation between three customers.)

    Female Customer #1: “…porn star. You can’t be shy about it! There’s not being shy if you’re just going to be a porn star, anyway.”

    Female Customer #2: “Yeah! What’re you working with, anyway?”

    Male Customer: *gets up and faces table, hands moving towards jeans*

    Me: *abandons tasks and leaves section immediately*

    Related:
    Way, Way, Way Too Much Information
    Way, Way Too Much Information
    Way Too Much Information
    TMI Redux
    TMI (Too Much Information)

    Time To Trade In One Slightly Used Mom

    | Terrace, BC, Canada |

    Customer: “Is this flea market going well for you?”

    Me: “Decently… considering how many other tables here, I’m glad for the business we’ve gotten.”

    Customer: “You can sell just about anything here, right?”

    Me: “Mmhmm.”

    Customer: “If I give you twenty bucks, will you please sell my children?”

    Me: “Well…um. I’m sorry, but no.”

    Customer: “Please?”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Selling your children would be slavery.”

    Customer: “Okay. So, can I buy this?” *holds up a cheap ring*

    Me: “Sure. That’ll be–”

    Customer: “I’ll give you my daughter for it!”

    Me: “No. You know what? If I give you the ring, will you go away?”

    Customer: *goes away with her children and the cheap ring*

    Mistaking Kitty For Kujo

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (I work at an animal hospital, which also helps adopt out strays. It’s a slow day, so I walk into the lobby cradling a kitten for anyone that is interested.)

    Customer: “Is that your cat?”

    Me: “No, this little guy is one of our strays. He needs a home.”

    Customer: “Do you have any stray dogs?”

    Me: “Yes, we have a couple of dogs that are available for adoption. However, we have more cats and they are easier to walk around with.”

    Customer: “Never was a fan of cats. Dogs are always so friendly and loyal. You could die in your chair and your dog would just lie right next to you until they died too. A cat would probably start eating the flesh off your bones!”

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