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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Honoring The Memory Of Purchases Gone By

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (It was the end of my shift, and an elderly woman comes over with two lampshades. They ring in at $3.50, and she pays and takes her bag.)

    Customer: “Can I return these if they don’t fit my lamps?”

    Me: “Of course. Just hold on to your receipt.”

    Customer: “What if I lose them?”

    Me: “We can give you store credit.”

    Customer: “Oh no, that won’t do…”

    Me: “Well…just hold onto your receipt.”

    Customer: “…can I have 5 receipts? I’ll put one in my wallet, one in my purse, one in my fridge, one in my underwear drawer, and one with my husband’s ashes.”

    Me: “…”

    (The woman leaves with her 5 receipts.)

    Co-worker: “That was a really important $3.50.”

    Wired For The Stone Age

    , | San Luis Obispo, CA, USA | Top

    (I walk up to an older man playing with an iPhone in our electronics store.)

    Me: “Hello sir, do you need any help?”

    Customer: “Naw, but I was wondering…why does this darn thing work with my finger, but not my fingernails?”

    Me: “Well, your body has electricity running through it, but your fingernails don’t conduct–”

    Customer: “Electricity in my body? My body?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. We all have electricity running through our bodies.”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! D*** technology! We didn’t have that s*** prancin’ around our bodies in back in my day!”

    Me: “Sir, we’ve always–”

    Customer: “Forget it! What’s the d*** world coming to?” *walks away mumbling*

    The Ferocity Of Generosity

    | Norfolk, VA, USA |

    (I’m waiting on a table who is celebrating a child’s birthday. They’ve just finished eating.)

    Me: “Are we ready for our check?”

    Customer #1: “I’ll take it.”

    Customer #2: “No, I can’t let you pay for me!”

    Customer #1: “I’m paying! It’s [child's] birthday!”

    Customer #2, to me: “Give me my check, now!”

    (I hand customer #2 her check from my book, but customer #1 starts crying hysterically.)

    Customer #1, to me: “I’m never coming to this place again! How dare you treat me this way!”

    (I apologize and go to process the check. Later on, I run into customer #1 and her husband as they are leaving the restaurant; she’s still sobbing hysterically.)

    Husband of customer #1: “What in the h*** do you put in your tilapia?!”

    Do As I Do, Not As I Say

    | Michigan, USA |

    (A customer walks into our sandwich shop with her very young son.)

    Customer’s son: “I want a sandwich!”

    Customer: “When we want something, we ask politely, remember?”

    Customer’s son: “But I want chips!”

    Customer: “No, dear, you ask, ‘May I please have some chips?’”

    Me: “What will you be ordering today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I want a kid’s meal!”

    Related:
    Do As I Yell, Not As I Do
    Do As I Shout, Not As I Do

    Never-Fail Conversation Starters

    | Brisbane, Australia |

    Me: “Can I help you with anything today?”

    Customer: “How old are you?”

    Me: “Um…I’m 17.”

    Customer: “No, you’re not!”

    Me: “Yes, I am.”

    Customer: “No, no! You’re 4.6 billion years old! You’re older than me, and you’re older than your parents. Jesus is inside you!”

    Me: “Er…can I help you with anything else?”

    Customer: “Oh, can I borrow a pen?”

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