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    I Can See Clearly Now The Brain Is Gone

    | Saarland, Germany |

    Me: “Hello, may I help you?”

    Customer: “I need binoculars.”

    (I show him a selection of binoculars.)

    Customer: “No, no, no. Not one of these. I want one with a magnification of fifty or so.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, there are no binoculars with a magnification of fifty.”

    Customer: “Are you saying I’m wrong? I’m an engineer. I have two diplomas. Two! I know how things work, thank you!”

    (He grabs one of the binoculars, holds it the wrong way round and looks through it.)

    Customer: “This one’s broken!”

    Going Nuts For Nuts

    | County Limerick, Ireland |

    (A customer comes up to my counter; he seems to be on something because he’s grinding his jaw and his pupils are dilated.)

    Me: “Hi there, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I need some f***ing nuts and bolts now!”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, this is the butcher’s counter. You’ll find some nuts and bolts in the hardware section.”

    Customer: “But I love nuts. Don’t you love nuts? They’re so shiny and they are just so useful!”

    (The customer keeps talking and talking, so I take it on myself to walk him to the hardware section to get his nuts and bolts.)

    Me: “Here you are sir, your nuts and bolts.”

    Customer: “Thanks, man!”

    (I watch as the customer gets dozens of nuts and bolts and heads to the front of the store. Without warning, he starts hurling them at the checkout girl. Another coworker and I wrestle him to the ground, but not before he crams some of them into his mouth begins to choke on them. Thankfully, we’re able to stop him. The ambulance and the police arrive shortly thereafter and take care of things from there. Craziest 10 minutes of my life.)

    Extremely Public Education

    , | Minneapolis, MN, USA |

    Me: “Hi, can I take your order?”

    Drive-thru customer: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

    Me: “Can I take your order?”

    Drive-thru customer: “I know, I heard you. But why would you ask that question like that?”

    Me: “Um, I need to know what food to have prepared for you.”

    Drive-thru customer: “Don’t get smart with me! I heard what you said, and I would prefer it if you’d word your sentence differently.”

    Me: “Oh, okay. May I take your order?”

    Drive-thru customer: “That’s better! Yes, you may!”

    Me: “Okay, what would you like?”

    Drive-thru customer: “I’m not sure yet. Give me a minute!”

    The Mother Of All Excuses

    | Boise, ID, USA |

    Caller: *crying* “I need an emergency credit on my account! My mom’s been in a car wreck and I can’t call the hospital because I don’t have any time on my phone.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that your mom’s been in an accident. Let me look at your account to see if we can put a one time courtesy credit on there.”

    (I see that there have been $30 in credits given over the last month. I also notice her mother has been missing, dying, dead, beat up by a drunk boyfriend, stabbed, shot, and taken to the hospital because of a drug overdose. And now, she has been injured in a car wreck.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t put the credit on your account. You’ve received several courtesy credits in the past, and as per corporate policy we’re not allowed to give you any more.”

    Caller: “But my mom’s in the hospital! She might die!”

    Me: “I know how this kind of situation can be really rough on someone. Maybe a friend of yours will let you use their phone?”

    Caller:“So you’re not going to put any money on my account?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but your account is not eligible for any further credits.”

    Caller: “F*** you, b****!” *hangs up*

    Now Give Me One Million Push Ups

    | Melbourne, Australia |

    (Note: I am a personal trainer for this gym member, who has always been a little strange.)

    Gym member: “You always make me do difficult things!”

    Me: *joking* “Yeah, I’m sinister like that.”

    Gym member: “I don’t know what that means, so don’t tell me!”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (The next day, the same member comes into the gym with a look of panic on her face.)

    Gym member: “I went home and looked up sinister. You’re not sinister, you’re lovely!”

    Me: “No, it’s okay. I was kidding!”

    Gym member: “But sinister means evil! I do not have an evil personal trainer! You’re lovely! You’re lovely!!”

    Me: “Thanks!”

    Gym member: “Oh, you’re welcome sweetie. I’ll see you next week, but never say sinister again!”

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