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    Telepathy Is Fun

    | Magna, UT, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ***, my name is ***. What can I help you with today?

    Customer: “I’ll tell you how you can help, fix my d*** computer!”

    Me: “So what is the problem with the computer today?”

    Customer: “It’s broken. Fix it.”

    Me: “Okay, but how is it broken?”

    Customer: “I don’t know, just fix it.”

    Me: “Is it not turning on, or is it not booting up?”

    Customer: “I don’t know about computers, just fix the problem already!”

    (This proceeds for almost 15 minutes back and forth. Finally, I decide to have some fun. I ask the customer to hold on for a second. I start shuffling some papers and opening and closing my desk drawer quite loudly.)

    Customer: “What was all that noise?”

    Me: “I think I found something we can use to fix this issue.”

    Customer: “Good, so get started on it.”

    Me: “Okay… now, I’m holding in front of me a crystal ball… I’m picturing the issue with the computer…¬†the computer is broken, and I’ve found a solution…”

    Customer: “I want to speak to your manager, that is very rude!”

    Me: “Sure thing, but wait… I see something else…¬†I see this call ending, now!” *click*

    (Thank goodness it was 1 AM and nobody listened in on that call, or I’d have been fired.)

    I Never Met A Simile I Didn’t Like

    | Gothenburg, Sweden |

    (I work at an amusement park. On this day I’m overseeing Skee-Ball, where you roll balls up a ramp to make them hit 4″ wide holes on the wall.)

    Customer: “How does this game work?”

    Me: “Well, it’s kinda like bowling, but without the pins.”

    Customer: “But a bowling ball doesn’t fit in those holes!”

    Me: “No…”

    Idiotic Costume Ideas, Vol. 1

    | Sacramento, CA, USA |

    (A man comes into the store. He’s covered in tattoos, sporting a buzz cut and a solid gold grill, and wearing a wife beater. He comes up to me.)

    Man: “Uh, yeah, do you guys have a KKK costume?”

    Me: “No… no, we don’t.”

    Man: “Oh, uh, do you know where I could get one?”

    Me: *repulsed* “I guess you could make one, but you’re not going to find it in any store in town.”

    (He walks off, but returns about 5 minutes later.)

    Man: “Do you have a Lorena Bobbitt costume?”

    Me: “No, sorry.”

    Man: *leaves*

    Coworker: “Who the h*** would WANT one?!”

    Thirteen Bucks Can Buy A Lot Of Beans

    | Tennessee, USA |

    Old man: “I hear there’s this stuff you can put on your food that won’t give you gas.”

    Me: “Oh yeah… it’s called Beano. Put a couple of drops on your food and the enzymes in it prevent the food from giving you gas.”

    Old man: “So, you have it?”

    Me: “Yep. I’ll show you.”

    (We walk over to the shelf where Beano is kept. I show him the little 3 or 4 oz. bottle; a little goes a long way with that stuff.)

    Me: “This is it.”

    Old man: “How much?”

    Me: “$12.99.”

    Old man: “For THAT little bottle? S***, I’ll just fart!”

    Don’t Mess With Mum

    | Sydney, Australia | Food & Drink

    (I’m working in a busy cafe that my mum owns. A man approaches the counter with his plate; it is empty.)

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Mum: “Yes?”

    Customer: “This food had too much oil in it.”

    (The plate is hidden from her view by the large counter, behind which, she is washing dishes.)

    Mum: “Oh…? What, you want me to make you another one? You’d still have to pay for at least one.”

    Customer: “No, I want a refund.”

    Mum: “Can I see the plate?”

    (Customer holds up plate; it is basically empty: some left over slices of lettuce, a little bit of bread.)

    Customer: “There was too much oil. I didn’t like it.”

    Mum: “But… you finished it off. How can you finish a whole meal you hate? Are you kidding me?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Mum: “Get the f*** out of my store!”

    Customer: “What?”

    Mum: “F*** off!”


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