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  • There’s No Substitute For Brains, Either

    | Miami, FL, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have a pill I can take instead of drinking water?”

    Me: “Um, what do you mean?”

    Customer: “When I’m at work and I drink water, I have to pee so much! I know there’s got to be a pill I can take instead.”

    Me: “There’s really no substitute for drinking water.”

    Customer: “No! I know there has to be some kind of pill you can take instead of drinking.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s not.”

    Customer: “There has to be something. Never mind, I’ll try to find it myself!” *wanders over to the vitamin aisles in search of water pills*

    One Good Turn Perturbs Another

    | Naperville, IL, USA | Top

    (A customer comes into our restaurant and angrily slams his pizza box on the front counter.)

    Me: “Hello, sir…how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I ordered half pepperoni and half sausage!”

    Me: *opens the box* “It looks fine to me, sir. What’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “I wanted my pepperoni on the LEFT side!”

    A Runaway Train Of Thought

    | Eugene, OR, USA |

    (A caller phones into our car rental company looking for a vehicle, but we’re sold out in every nearby location.)

    Caller: “Why aren’t there any cars for me? Everyone I ask tells me they’re out of cars!”

    Me: “We’ve been having a hard time keeping a hold on any cars with this tourist season.”

    Caller: “Terrorism?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, the tourist season. It’s been a really big push into your area lately, so Florida’s swamped.”

    Caller: “Everyone’s been blaming the terrorists today. Why are we all letting the terrorists win?” *begins sobbing*

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s tourists, not terrorists.”

    Caller: “I’m an American! In America! Why are we letting them ruin my life? We can’t let these terrorists win!” *continues sobbing for a moment and then hangs up*

    No Gastric Pain, No Gain

    | Charlotte, NC, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [health club]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Can I bring a meatball sub with me to eat during my workout?”

    Me: “No, food is not allowed when using any of the gym equipment.”

    Customer: “That’s not true. People have those protein shakes in there all the time.”

    Me: “Those are liquefied and in sealed containers.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “If I blend my sub and put it in a container, would that be okay?”

    Me: “I guess it would…”

    Flying The Foul-Mouthed Skies

    | Albany, NY, USA | Top

    (Note: when checking in for a flight, customers are asked to provide the customer service agent with a 6-digit code.)

    Me: “May I have your confirmation code please, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Sure. It’s A as in a**h***, F as in f***, 1, 5, B as in b****, and C as in c**t.”

    Me: *flabbergasted* “Um, okay…thank you. I’ll just find you in the system…”

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