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    Horizontal Distance, Loopy Thinking

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    Me: “Good evening, thanks for calling [hotel]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. I’m with the *** wedding party.”

    (I take down his information for dates he’ll be staying and size of beds. Then, we get to the type of room…)

    Me: “… And would you like a standard room, or would you prefer poolside, or could I interest you in a suite or other luxury room?”

    Customer: “I want a standard room. It needs to be near an elevator, because my wife has back problems.”

    Me: “We also have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside, which would be much less walking.”

    Customer: “No. I want it near an elevator.”

    Me: “Sir–”

    Customer: “It’s about the horizontal distance.”

    Me: “Sir, there is no parking near the elevators, and it would be farther for her to walk to the elevator.”

    Customer: “She can take elevators, it’s about the horizontal distance.”

    Me: “Yes, sir. I understand, but we have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside. It would be much closer than if you had to park and then take the elevator.”

    Customer: “I want to be near the elevator!”

    (I put him in one of the standard ground floor rooms anyway with adjacent parking, for the sake of his wife.)

    Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman With Fake Stones

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (A woman comes up to the counter with a tennis bracelet.)

    Customer: “I’d like to have this professionally cleaned, please.”

    Me: “We’d be happy to do that for you. Can you give me the value so that we can put that on the form for insurance?”

    Customer: “Of course. It’s worth $15,000.”

    Me: “Ma’am, for such a high value, I’ll need to verify that these are actually diamonds.”

    Customer: “Of course they’re real diamonds! My husband gave that to me for our anniversary, and said it was diamonds!”

    (I go and get our diamond tester from the back.¬†If the stones are diamonds, the machine will beep.¬†I test the bracelet in front of her. It doesn’t beep.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but these are more than likely cubic zirconia, and the highest value I could insure this bracelet for is $2,000.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe you! Your machine must be broken!”

    (I reach into the display case, and pull out a diamond ring. I silently test multiple stones, and the machine beeps as it should.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s functioning properly. We’ll be happy to send your bracelet out for cleaning, but will only be able to insure it for $2,000.”

    (The woman’s face at this point is so contorted with rage she looks like she’s going to pop. She snatches the bracelet up and runs out of the store.)

    Manager: “I’d like to be a fly on the wall, when he gets home!”

    Smoked

    | Spokane, WA, USA | Top

    Me: “How can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “I want one single cigarette.”

    Me: “No problem, can I see your ID?”

    Customer: “What? Do I look 14 to you?”

    Me: “No, you look 18, but unless I get ID I can’t sell them to you.”

    Customer: “Why cant you sell me the beer and a cigarette?”

    Me: “I am sorry, sir, but I could lose my job if I sold it to you without ID.”

    Customer: “Oh, I am sure your job is sooo great and pays you a lot?!”

    Me: “I’m not the one who can’t afford more than one cigarette.”

    Related:
    Burned

    Behind Every New Sign Is Someone Stupid

    | Austin, TX, USA |

    (I work in the mail room of a large corporate law firm filled with Harvard grad attorneys.)

    Attorney: “I’m needing to send a fax and this machine has a problem!”

    Me: “Okay, let me help you with that.”

    Attorney: “This machine doesn’t have a dash button!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, a dash button?”

    Attorney: “Yeah, like in the instructions, 201 DASH 555 DASH 1234…”

    (After this incident we had to go back and change ALL the signs for the fax machines on every floor to say “Do not include the dash”.)

    Grog Carry Bag, Grog Not Fashion Consultant

    | Houston, TX, USA | Top

    Customer: “What do you think about this bra?”

    Customer’s husband: “Umm… sure.”

    Customer: “Okay, should I get this one in white or black?”

    Customer’s husband: “I don’t know! I don’t wear them, I just take them off of you!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic.


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