Featured Story:
  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
    (2,941 thumbs up)
  • All Roads Lead To Rome China

    | San Jose, CA, USA | Top

    (A customer is looking at our lamp displays).

    Customer: “Where in China are these made?”

    Me: “They’re not made in China; they’re all made in Italy.”

    Customer: “But where in China are these made?”

    Me: “They’re not made in China. All these lamps are made in Italy.”

    Customer: “But where in China are these made?!”

    Me: “None of these lamps are made in China. They’re made in Italy. It’s a country in Europe.”

    Customer: “But where in China are these made?!”

    Even Galaxon Spaceways Charges Extra For Luggage Nowadays

    | Melrose, MA, USA |

    (I work for an answering service where we get calls from tenants after hours with requests for the maintenance man.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m in apartment 12. I need to leave a message for the maintenance man.”

    Me: “Sure, and what’s the message?”

    Customer: “Well, I’m leaving for awhile. I don’t know when I’ll be back. I need to know that he’ll keep an eye on my stuff.”

    Me: “Okay, is that all?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I think so. See, I’m leaving the planet tomorrow.”

    Me: “Um…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I’m leaving the planet. Problem is, I’m only allowed to bring one suitcase, and I have a lot of stuff in my apartment! I just need to know that it will be safe while I’m gone.”

    Me: “Okay, so you want me to tell the maintenance man to watch your stuff until you return from outer space?”

    Customer: “Exactly! Thank you so much for being so sweet!”

    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2

    | Israel | Top

    Me: “Hey there mate, what can I get ya?”

    Customer: “I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.”

    Me: “Coming right up!”

    (I serve him his drink, but as soon as I turn around to handle the other customers, a lowball glass comes flying through the air, hits the wall, and shatters to a million pieces. I turn back and see the customer with a frown on his face.)

    Me: “Why the h*** did you do that for?!”

    Customer: “Why’d you put f***ing ice in my drink?! I didn’t ask for no f***ing ice!”

    Me: “Yes, you did! You asked for scotch on the rocks!”

    Customer: “Yeah, and you put ice in it!”

    Me: “Do you know what a scotch is?”

    Customer: “Whiskey?”

    Me: “Exactly. And do you know what ‘on the rocks’ means?”

    Customer: “How you make it?”

    Me: “No, it stands for ice. Scotch with ice.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “You’re gonna have to pay for the drink and the glass and then get out.”

    Customer: “How f***ing dare you?!”

    Me: “Do you know what on the rocks also means?”

    Customer: “No! What?!”

    (The doorman takes him by the hand, and then tosses him out the front door.)

    Related:
    Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World

    Science, Stripped Down To A Soundbite

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    Customer: “The counter is wet.”

    Me: “Oh, it’s from condensation.”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “When someone takes the milk out of the refrigerator, and it starts to become room temperature…it drips…”

    Customer: *blank stare*

    Me: “It’s water.”

    Customer: “Oh!”

    Revenge Is A Dish Best Served By Wives

    | Richmond, VA, USA | Top

    (At the nursing home where I work, we can sell lunches to visitors, but can’t sell them after 11:00. It’s a bummer, but usually people are understanding.)

    Customer: “I need to buy a lunch.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but we can’t sell lunches after 11:00.”

    Customer: “Why not? ”

    Me: “Well, it’s so that the kitchen knows how many trays to have ready by lunchtime. They start on dinner almost as soon as lunch is served.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m hungry.”

    Me: “I really am sorry. I wish I could help, but lunch was served two hours ago. We do have a vending machine, and there are a couple of fast food places nearby.”

    Customer: “Are you stupid?”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “I will sue you guys!”

    Me: “I really am sorry.”

    Customer: “I will sue you! Your lunch policy is ridiculous! This is what happens when little girls like you work in men’s jobs!”

    Me: “A man’s job?”

    Customer: “Yes! Since you obviously can’t do it since you’re a fifteen-year-old girl.”

    Me: “I’m twenty-one, sir.”

    Customer: “Then why aren’t you married?”

    Me: “…because my boyfriend hasn’t asked me yet?”

    Customer: “You should get married, get out of here, and let a man do your job.”

    Me: “…my job as a receptionist?”

    Customer: “He’d do it right! I am going to the biggest man here and complaining about your policies!”

    Me: “The biggest man here is a woman, sir.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Everyone in our business office is female, and so is our administrator.”

    Customer: “This place is doomed!”

    (Half an hour later, I ended up buying him a turkey sandwich from a nearby deli when I went out to get my own lunch. Not surprisingly, he didn’t thank me. However, this cloud has a silver lining: I also met his wife, who smacked him upside the head and called him a jacka**.)

    Page 1,759/2,214First...1,7571,7581,7591,7601,761...Last