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    The Right Place At The Wrong Time

    | Olney, Maryland, USA |

    (This took place at the cigar store I work at.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need the biggest cigar you’ve got.”

    Me: “OK, our largest is 12 inches long, and the price is $27 before tax.”

    Customer: “Whoa! 27 bucks? You got anything cheaper?”

    Me: “Well, yes. Is this going to be a gag gift?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “You know, a joke present for someone?”

    Customer: “Oh h*** no! I’m just gonna split it and fill it with this.”

    (The customer pulls a plastic bag full of marijuana out of his pocket.)

    Customer #2: “Wow, that’s some fine-lookin’ weed you got there!”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just bought it.”

    (Customer #2 pulls out his badge and identifies himself as a county police officer.)

    Customer: “Am I in trouble?”

    Customer #2: “Yes you are.”

    Employee Of The Year, Part 2

    , | New Zealand |

    (I’m English and backpacking in New Zealand. I’ve just started work in a fast food place and am on the drive through for the first time.)

    Manager: “Okay. What you have to do is talk to the customers and make them feel really welcome. Get a bit chatty if you can.”

    Me: “Okay, no problem. Watch this…”

    (A customer drives down to my window to pay for his food.)

    Me: “Hey there, how you doing? That will be [price].”

    Customer: “Where are you from?”

    Me: “England.”

    Customer: “Whereabouts in England?”

    Me: “Hull.”

    Customer: “ME TOO! I’m from *** Road!”

    Me: “Sweet, I grew up just round the corner from there! Was it a nightmare having them build the new stadium right on your doorstep?”

    Customer: “No way! Yer, was a right pain! Speaking of which, did you see the Tigers play the other night?”

    Me: “Nah, I missed it. I was working. I heard the result though, get it!”

    Customer: “Let’s see if we come out on top at the end of the season! Anyway, I best go pick up my food. I am sure you have other customers to serve. My name is *** by the way. What’s yours?”

    Me: “I’m ***.”

    (We shake hands through the window.)

    Customer: “Nice to meet you man. I will be sure to see you around.”

    Me: “Yeah, have a good day mate!”

    (The customer drives to the next window. I turn to look at my manager who has a look of total disbelief.)

    Me: “And that’s how you do that.”

    Manager: “Yeah, I will leave you to it. I think you got the hang of it!”

    Related:
    Employee Of The Year

    Introducing The iKa-Chunk

    | New Zealand |

    (A very elderly customer approaches me at my mobile phone kiosk.)

    Customer: “Oh, these looks nice. What are you selling?”

    Me: “Mobile phones, ma’am. They’ll allow you to keep in touch with people, wherever you are.”

    Customer: “Oh, this one looks lovely, nice, and slim! *unfolds it and holds it to her ear* “What’s this one called?”

    Me: “That one is called a stapler, ma’am.”

    One More Puke On The Path To Recovery

    | Syracuse, NY, USA |

    (I’m a female working in a gas station and it’s close to midnight. The customer is obviously drunk, which means I can’t sell him alcohol.)

    Customer: “You’re the kind of pretty thing I’m not allowed to touch.

    (He proceeds to our beer cooler and takes one bottle out of a six-pack.)

    Me: “Sir, I can’t sell you that for two reasons. One, you are obviously drunk and store policy says you cant but alcohol. Two, if you were sober it would have to be the whole six-pack or nothing.”

    Customer: *stares at me for 30 seconds and then pukes on his coat*

    Customer: “Am I sober enough now?”

    Have Age, Will Complain

    | Alberta, Canada |

    (Our local gas station has recently been taken over by new owners. An elderly woman comes in to buy a cup of coffee and takes it to the front to pay.)

    Me: “That’ll be a dollar fifty.”

    Customer: “What? That’s outrageous! The old owners would never have charged that much!”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s the same price as it was before.”

    Customer: “Well… I’m seventy! I have the right to b****!” *storms out*

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