When A Computer Is Not A Computer

| North Miami, FL, USA | Top

Me: “Thank you for calling [electronics store]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I came into the store a few hours ago and bought a computer, but I think something is wrong with it.”

Me: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

Caller: “Well, it seems to turn on. The little light goes on and everything, but nothing comes up except ‘no signal’.”

Me: “Is this a desktop computer, or a notebook?”

Caller: “It’s one of the big screen ones. Not a laptop.”

Me: “Alright, it’s a desktop. Are you positive you followed all the directions in the manual and connected everything properly?”

Caller: “Huh? Why would I need to use the manual? It was pretty simple.”

Me: “Well, just to be sure, could you please check the manual and make sure everything is plugged in properly?”

Caller: “Well, there is one cord sitting there but I figured that it was the internet cable. We don’t have internet yet.”

Me: “Is the cord coming out of the monitor or the tower?”

Caller: “It’s not plugged into anything. The only thing I have plugged in is the computer into the wall.”

Me: “What about the monitor?”

Caller: “The what?”

Me: “The monitor, as in, the screen.”

Caller: “Right, the computer. Like I said, it’s plugged into the wall.”

Me: “Sir, let me get this straight. You have the screen plugged into the wall and nothing else?

Caller: “Right.”

Me: “And you didn’t buy anything else, right?”

Caller: “Right.”

Me: “Sir, you just bought the monitor. That isn’t the computer. That’s just the screen.”

Caller: “What are you talking about? Of course this is the computer! I’ve seen a whole bunch of computers before and they look just like this!”

Me: “Did all those computer have a big piece of machinery sitting near them?”

Caller: “Yeah, I guess. Why?

Me: “That would be the computer.”

Caller: “You’re joking, right?”

Me: “Nope. Sorry, sir.”

Caller: “Well d***. How much more does the rest cost?”

Me: “It depends how powerful you want it to be. You could get a low-end computer for about $300 to $400.”

Caller: “But, I already spent $150 on this thing!”

Me: “Sorry, sir. But if you want a computer you’ll, uh, need to buy the computer.”

Caller: “To h*** with all this! I’m not spending that kind of money! I’m never buying a computer again!”

Me: “Well, sir. You didn’t buy one in the first place.”

Caller: *click*

The Pen Is Mighter Than The Brain, Part 2

| Saskatoon, SK, Canada | Uncategorized

(My work has touch screens for credit and debit transactions.)

Customer: “Your screen has lines all over it. It’s really hard to read.”

Me: “Oh, yeah. Sorry. It still works fine, but the screens always seem to do that.”

(The customer uses her finger to enter her pin number. We have pens attached to each machine for customers to enter pins and sign for credit cards.)

Me: “Actually, could you use the pen? It makes it easier to use.”

Customer: “No thanks. This is okay.”

Me: “That’s actually the reason the machine’s screen has lines.”

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Brain

Blood Is Thicker Than Social Security

, | TN, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer’s mother has passed away. He wants to take over her account. I am running his credit.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. It appears there is a freeze on your credit with one or more of the credit bureaus. This usually happens if you–”

Customer: “Of course there is a freeze. I have one with all three credit bureaus, because some idiot stole my identity last year!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. In order to take over her service, you will need to contact the credit bureaus to authorize this transaction.”

Customer: “Don’t you have a way to work around this? This is really a huge pain. A total nightmare.”

Me: “I understand, sir, but there is no work-around. You will have to contact them to remove the freeze.”

Customer: “I can’t remove the freeze. It’s there to protect me. Are you stupid? Do you think I want to go through all this identity theft garbage again?”

Me: “Not at all, sir. In fact, your protection is why we do not have a way to bypass the freeze. If we did, then anyone could call and give your information and set up service.”

Customer: “But, I’m not just anyone. I’m me!”

Me: “Yes, sir. I understand that. This is how a freeze works. It requires you to verify this transaction further with the credit bureau.”

Customer: “Clearly you are not getting this, but whatever. What if I give you my mother’s social security number?”

Me: “Your mother’s name is who the account is listed under currently.”

Customer: “I know that, you idiot. I mean put it under her social, and my name.”

Me: “Let me make sure I understand you correctly. You don’t want to contact the credit bureaus to lift the freeze you placed on your credit due to being the victim of identity theft. Instead, you would like me to use your name and someone else’s social security number to open an account for you?”

Customer: “Yes. Thank you.”

Me: “You do realize that would technically be committing identity theft?”

One Annoyed Paranoid, Part 2

| Allentown, PA, USA | Uncategorized

(It is store policy to ask customers for zip codes, purely for survey purposes.)

Me: “Good evening. May I have you zip code, please?”

Customer: “No! That’s how they find you!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Oh, yes. I heard it on the news. The number one way that people steal your identity is from your zip code!”

Me: “I’ll just enter a random one, then.”

Customer: “Thank you. Hey, do you guys ever have coupon specials?”

Me: “Oh, yes. Several times a year. We send out coupons to our email list. Would you like to sign up?”

Customer: “Sure!”

Me: “Alright. When you get home, you can go to our website. The address is on your receipt. Sign up with your email address there.”

Customer: “Wait, you’ll have my email address then?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. That’s how the coupons and discounts get sent out. However, we keep that information very private. It’s not given out to anyone else.”

Customer: “No way, they’ll use it to steal my identity! Let me give you my street address. You can send things there.”

(The customer proceeds to hand me a blank check with all her info. She doesn’t even bother to void it.)

One Annoyed Paranoid

The Race Against Identity Theft

| MI, USA | Top

(I’m ringing up a customer. He hands me a credit card.)

Me: “I need to see your ID, please.”

Customer #1: “Sure.”

(As he is getting his ID out, the next customer in line, a white soccer mom, speaks up.)

Customer #2: “I don’t believe this s***! I’m going to report you, you racist b****!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer #2: “You heard me. You didn’t ask for the ID of the white lady before him, but a black man has a card and you check his. That’s racist s***! What, you think because he’s black he stole that or something?”

Customer #2, to customer #1: “Why are you so calm? This isn’t the 50’s! You don’t have to put up with this s***. Tell her off!”

Customer #1: “Actually, she asked me because I have ‘See ID’ written on my card.”

Customer #2: “Oh…well. Um…okay.”

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