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    Do As I Yell, Not As I Do

    | New York, USA |

    Me: “Do you have a store credit account?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Would you like to open one? You’ll get 15% off your purchase today and–”

    Customer: “NO. I don’t open up useless credit accounts. You wonder why people are in debt all the time, it’s because they open up s*** like this. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

    Me: *silently rings up the rest of her purchase* “And how would you like to pay for this?”

    Customer: “Oh, I’m going to put it on my store credit account.”

    Related:
    Do As I Shout, Not As I Do

    Sometimes They Travel In Packs

    | Australia | Food & Drink

    (I had just arrived and was beginning my shift, when a teenage girl approached the counter.)

    Customer: “Hi…do you guys sell bread?”

    Me: “Yes we do, anything you’re looking for in particular?”

    Customer: “Yeah…”

    Me: “Which is?”

    Customer: “White bread.”

    Me: “We have several kinds of white bread, what kind would you like?”

    Customer: “Oh…whatever.”

    Me: *grabs the most expensive white bread* “Sliced?”

    Customer: “Yep.”

    Me: “Thick or thin?”

    Customer: “Oh…thick.”

    Me: *slices bread and rings everything up* “That’ll be $5.50.”

    Customer: “Is it too late to get that thin-sliced?”

    Me: “…I could get another loaf for you.”

    Customer: “Oh…nah, I wouldn’t want to be a bother.”

    Me: *hands her her change and her bread* “Have a nice day.”

    (She leaves, and a clearly intoxicated man walks over to my co-worker.)

    Man: “I LIKE YOUR BUNS!”

    (He swears loudly and walks away.)

    Co-worker: “It’s gonna be a long day.”

    Fudge In Flight

    | Manchester, UK | Top

    Customer: “This isnt a hot fudge sundae.”

    Coworker: “No, it isn’t. I’m afraid we don’t make it with hot fudge here.”

    Customer: “Then I’m not paying for it!”

    Coworker: “I’m afraid you have to. The menu states that it’s not made with hot fudge.”

    Customer: “FINE!” *throws the ice cream at my coworker*

    Coworker: *covered with ice cream* “I’m suddenly glad we don’t have hot fudge.”

    Third Time’s (Not) A Charm

    | Basingstoke, UK | Top

    (Our customers log calls in a queue, and we call them back in order of priority. This customer has a very low priority call, but is trying to jump the queue.)

    Customer: “We can’t work here. Are you sure there’s nothing you can do?”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, this really is a cosmetic issue. It shouldn’t get in the way of your work.”

    Customer: “Even if we manage to send chocolate to the office? I’m sure that’ll help.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but of all the agents here, you’ve picked the one that’s alergic to chocolate.”

    Customer: “D***. Well, how about a bottle of wine? Is that worth a few spots in the queue?”

    Me: “I don’t drink. I’m sorry, ma’am, it’s not your lucky day.”

    Customer: “Okay, you’ve driven me to it. I’m batting my eyelashes here! You really should see it. How about lunch next week?”

    Me: “That’s three strikes, ma’am… I think my husband would complain if I started dating girls. Sorry, I’m gay.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “You’re not making any of this up, are you?”

    Me: “We’ll have someone give you a call back when your call is next in the queue, ma’am. Have a nice day.”

    Must Have Been A Part-Time Thief

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A lady comes in and I hurriedly wiped the table. She eats, finishes, and was about to leave.)

    Customer: “Have you seen my car keys? You must have swept it off the table when you were cleaning it when I just got here. Go check the garbage.”

    (I go check the bus pans.)

    Me: “No, they aren’t in the bus pans. Would they be in your purse?”

    Customer: “No, you must have them. Let me go check your garbage.”

    Me: “No, we can’t allow you to go through our garbage. The back of house is out of bounds.”

    Customer: “Well, someone must have taken my keys. Go check the garbage again.”

    (At this point, a coworker goes out to the parking lot and notices her keys still in the lock of her car door.)

    Coworker: “Are these your keys?”

    Customer: “Where did you find them?”

    Coworker: “They were on your door…”

    Customer: “Obviously, someone stole them from me and put them out there. My car could be been stolen!”

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