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  • Much Ado About Nothing (Inside)

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Crazy Requests, Family & Kids, Uncategorized

    (Note: this takes place a week before Christmas in a store packed full of people. I am the only one operating the registers when the phone rings.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling , how can I help you?”

    Other Store: “I am sending a customer your way for a game. The system says you have one left.”

    (Sure enough, a customer shows up for a very popular game. When I begin to ring her out, I explain that even though the plastic is removed, it is a brand new game.)

    Customer: “That is not a brand new game!”

    Me: “I assure you it is, madam. We must remove all discs from the cases if they are being displayed on the floor, and this is my last copy.”

    Customer: “It has been opened! It’s been played! You’re lying to me!”

    (At this point, she turns to the long line behind her and starts yelling at everyone in line.)

    Customer: “Can you believe this?! This is ridiculous! This game is for a child! I can’t give an opened game to a child for Christmas!!”

    (Without missing a beat, the entire line opens their game cases. All of them are empty.)

    Customer: “None of you love your children!” *storms out*

    Please, Take A Crap

    | West Midlands, UK | Food & Drink, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

    Customer: “I’d like a crap, please.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

    Customer: “I’d like a crap with sugar and lemon, please.”

    Me: “Oh, I see! A crepe with sugar and lemon.”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s what I said. A crap with sugar and lemon!”

    What What It’s A Butt

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

    (A mother comes in looking to get a hamster for her four children. They range in age from 3 to 10.)

    Mother:  “Excuse me, miss?”

    Me:  “How may I help you?”

    Mother:  “Can you tell me if this hamster is a girl?”

    (I look at the hamster in question. It’s most definitely male.)

    Mother, to me: *quietly* “Just say it’s a girl.”

    Me: “Yes, it’s a girl.”

    Mother, to children: “Yes, this one’s a girl. We can call her Jessie.”

    Child:  “What’s that hanging off the back of the hamster?” *points to the hamster’s prominent testicles*

    Mother: *looks at me in desperation*

    Me:  “Er…that’s…”

    Mother:  *frantic look of desperation*

    Me:  “…its butt.”

    Mother:  *look of relief*

    (They ended up buying the hamster in spite of its large…butt.)

    Why Math Counts

    | Michigan, USA | At The Checkout, Money, Uncategorized

    Customer: *hands me two identical coupons*

    Me: “You want to use two 20% off coupons? That takes two dollars off each item. Using a five dollar off one would save you an extra dollar. Would you rather use that one?”

    Customer: “But using these two coupons saves me more.”

    Me: “Actually, you only save four dollars by using those. The five dollar one would save you more.”

    Customer: “But using more coupons saves more money!”

    Me: “That one coupon is worth more savings than those two, though. That coupon would save you a dollar more, and you can use those two 20% ones another day. Five dollars is more than four dollars.”

    Customer: “No, it’s not! I don’t understand how you think that!”

    Tripped Up

    | Georgia, USA | Family & Kids, Uncategorized

    (One of the kids at my martial arts camp has gotten so bad that I have to call to his mother.)

    Me: “Ma’am, your son has not been paying attention during training, and is disrupting the other kids.”

    Mother: “Well, maybe my son needs a male influence instead of a little girl!”

    Me: “The kids are arranged according to proficiency level. We can’t move him.”

    Mother: “That’s funny…you say you can’t control him, but you can threaten to throw him down a flight of stairs easily enough!”

    Me: “Who told you I threatened to throw him down a flight of stairs?”

    Mother: “He did! He said you threatened to throw him down the stairs!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is a one-story building.”

    *brief pause*

    Mother: “I will talk to him tonight.”

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