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    I’ll Go Where He’s Going

    | London, UK | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [travel agency]. Which brochure would you like to order?”

    Customer: “I’d like to order ten virgins, please.”

    Me: “Pardon me?”

    Customer: “Ten virgins, please–”

    (There’s a moment of silence; the customer and I both realize at the same time that he meant to say ‘ten Virgin Holiday Brochures’. To keep the conversation from going awkward, I chime in.)

    Me: “How fresh would you like your virgins, sir?”

    Customer: “This year’s editions will be fine, thanks!”

    Putting The Pow In Kung Pao

    | Elmira, NY, USA |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [restaurant]. What would you like today?”

    Customer: “I’d like fried rice with the chicken and broccoli.”

    Me: “Sure.” *I put food on plate*

    Customer: “Now, add lots of the broth on the rice. Lots and lots and lots.”

    Me: “Okay.” *I add sauce to rice*

    Customer: *watches and starts making noises of pleasure* “Ohhh! Yeah! Ohhh!”

    Me: “…”

    Clandestine Calorie Cutters

    | Clifton Park, NY, USA |

    Customer 1: “Do you have any sugar-free ice cream?”

    Customer 2: “Yeah, that a diabetic can eat?”

    (The two spend the next five minutes sampling almost every frozen yogurt we have and inquiring into the sugar content of everything. I went along with it, not wanting to put someone in a diabetic coma or anything.)

    Customer 2: “OK, we’ll take two of the blueberry pomegranate yogurt on sugar cones.”

    Me: “You’re aware that sugar cones contain sugar, right?”

    Customer 2: “Oh, we’re not really diabetic, we just didn’t want you to sneak us something fattening.”

    A Cheese By Any Other Name

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA | Top

    Me: *greeting the table* “Hello, how are y’all do–”

    Customer: *interrupting* “Do you have cheese dip?”

    Me: “Yes, we have queso.”

    Customer: “No! I don’t want queso! I want cheese dip!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer’s 5-year-old daughter: “Daddy, queso is cheese.”

    Customer: “Hush!” *looks at me* “What kind of Mexican restaurant doesn’t have cheese dip?”

    Me: “Sir, we have cheese dip, but here we call it queso.”

    Customer: “Fine! Bring out this ‘queso’ and I’ll let YOU know if it’s cheese dip or not!”

    Big Brother Strikes Again

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Can I have today’s New York Times?”

    Me: “Sure.” *grabbing a newspaper*

    Customer: *spotting a headline* “This government and their invasion of privacy! The mind-control devices are next, mark my word.”

    Me: *thinking he was kidding* “I wouldn’t doubt it, sir.”

    Customer: “Yep, when I was in the service, they experimented on me with those. Me and few other guys, we got chips implanted in our heads, and they conducted mind-control tests on us. It’s still in there. *points at scar on forehead and laughs* “They’re always watching!”

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