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    Putting the Dumb In Wisdom

    | Wales, UK |

    (I’m at my university’s computer help desk and have just fixed a problem on a student’s laptop.)

    Me, to student: “…okay, that should get you online.”

    Student: “Great, thanks!”

    (A random student passes by, seeing the laptop.)

    Random passerby: “Wow! That laptop is huge!”

    Me: “Erm…”

    Random passerby: “I bet you could use it as a weapon to smash someone’s head in!”

    Me: “Uhh…”

    Student: “Erm…”

    Random passerby: *walks off*

    Me, to student: “Well, I bet you didn’t know THAT about your laptop.”

    A Dawning Realization Of One’s Dimness

    | St. Paul, MN, USA |

    Me: “Okay, that will be $5.93 for the cigarettes.”

    (The customer hands me a five dollar bill, puts the cigarettes in her pocket and starts walking off.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but you didn’t give me enough money. You only gave me $5 and the total was $5.93.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I gave you five.” *points at the money*

    Me: “Yes, but the total is five dollars and ninety-three cents.”

    Customer: *angrily* “Yeah, I gave you five dollars!”

    Me: “It’s not enough. I need about a dollar more. Would you like to get something different or cheaper maybe?”

    Customer: “No, I want this one!”

    Me: “Well, I can’t sell these to you when you don’t have enough to pay for it.”

    Customer: “Well, what am I gonna do?”

    Me: “Go home and get more money?”

    (Her expression suddenly brightens.)

    Customer: “Oh! Yeah, okay! I’ll go do that I’ll be right back!” *gives cigarettes back and leaves cheerily*

    Eternal Persistence Is The Price Of Coffee Or Tea

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, can I get some coffee?”

    Me: “Sure, decaf or regular?”

    Customer: ¬†”Oh! Sugar too, please!”

    Me: “Not a problem. Decaf or regular?”

    Customer: “None of that sweet and low stuff. Real sugar!”

    Me: “Yes, sir. Decaf or regular?”

    Customer: “Oh, and milk, too!”

    Me: “Absolutely. Decaf or regular?”

    Customer: “But not skim, or whole, or 2%. You got any half and half?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “Good!”

    Me: “Right. Coffee with sugar and half and half. Do you want decaf or regular?”

    Customer: “Make sure there’s not too much milk. Gotta be a bit strong.”

    Me: “Right. Decaf or regular?”

    Customer: “Oh, and lots of sugar! I like it sweet… but not too much milk!”

    Me: “Decaf or regular?”

    Customer: “Oh, bring out some extra sugar, would you? Just in case.”

    Me: *gives up* “Okay, one decaf coffee, half and half, extra sugar?”

    Customer: “No, REGULAR! Geez, I swear… people just don’t pay attention anymore!”

    Go Directly To Jail, Do Not Pass Test

    | Michigan, USA |

    (Me and my mom are leaving from the place where I took the test to get my driver’s license when we see another car drive in. A man steps out of the car and talks to the lady in charge of giving the driver’s test. )

    Driver: “I’m here to take my driver’s test.”

    Employee: “Who drove you here?”

    Driver: “I drove myself.”

    Employee: “You drove yourself here to take the test to get your driver’s license?”

    Driver: “Yes.”

    Employee: “That could be a problem…”

    Guess The Magician & Clowns Are Out Too

    | Davie, FL, USA |

    (I work at a party store that sells balloons. A middle-aged woman comes up to me and the following takes place.)

    Me: “Hello. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “…do y’all sell, like…balloons for funerals?”

    Me: “I’m sorry…what?”

    Customer: “You know, like balloons for a funeral…like, ‘Sorry For Your Loss’…”

    Me: “Um…no.”

    Customer: “OK, thanks!” *leaves*

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