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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    How About We Toilet Paper Your Lawn Instead

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA |

    (Some landscapers are helping landscape our lawn. I’m also helping them move stuff when my neighbor comes over.)

    Neighbor: “Hey, can you guys come over and help clean up some of our lawn?”

    Landscaper: “No, we’re busy working over here.”

    Neighbor: “It won’t take more than a couple of minutes. Just come in here, replace the grass with their sod, plant some extras, that’s all!”

    Landscaper: “You mean redo your landscape?”

    Neighbor: “Yeah, it won’t take too long. They’re not gonna notice!”

    Landscaper: “I’m pretty sure he’ll notice since he actually lives here and is helping us.” *points at me*

    Me: “Hi there!” *waves*

    Neighbor: *retreats to her house*

    Just, Like, Smile And Nod

    | Delafield, WI, USA |

    (A bubbly teenager walks up to the counter with a roll of film in her hand.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Teenage customer: “Like, how long does it, like, take to do one hour photo?”

    Me: “About 60 minutes.”

    Teenage customer: “Really?! Like, oh my gawd! That’s, like, so totally cool! Wait ’til I tell my mom it’s, like, totally not gonna take an hour!”

    Me: *smiles*

    Where We Keep The Gold Label S’Mores

    | Hugo, MN, USA |

    (It was a beautiful night and everyone was having bonfires. A group of teenage girls walk in.)

    Girl: “Hi, do you guys have any marshmallows?”

    Me: *looks around* “Sorry, looks like we’re all out.”

    Girl: “But what if you REALLY need them?”

    (I turned towards my coworker.)

    Me: “My God…”

    Coworker: “It’s time. Get out your key.”

    (We then started pretending that we had a top-secret marshmallow stash behind the counter.)

    Me: “Do you think the retina scan is going to work with my contacts in?”

    (The girl finally realized that we were blatantly making fun of her and quickly left with her friends. The secret stash became an instant classic at our gas-station.)

    Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Dumb

    | Michigan, USA |

    (I was working my shift at the dorm security desk when one of the building’s residents walked up.)

    Resident: “Ow! I just burnt myself.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. How did you burn yourself?”

    Resident: “I licked the flame part of a lighter.”

    Me: “What–why?!”

    Resident: “I wanted to see what it would taste like. I knew it would be hot, but I wanted to know what KIND of hot…like, maybe it would be SPICY hot.”

    Me: “…”

    Resident: “Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.”

    No Tickey, No Watchey

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (I work in the billing department for a cable company. One day I took the following call.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, my name is ****, what can I help you with?”

    Customer: “Hi, I need you turn my cable back on so I can watch the fight this weekend.”

    Me: “OK, if I could get your phone number, I’ll bring up your account and see what’s up.”

    (I proceed to bring up his account, and notice he had been installed 6 months ago, and had not once paid his bill.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m afraid that we can’t turn anything back on for your account until there has been a payment made.”

    Customer: “No, that’s not the agreement. I need to watch the fight this weekend, my boys are coming over.”

    Me: “That’s all well and good, but you owe us over two thousand dollars for charges, pay per view and equipment. Nothing can be done until you are up to date on payment.”

    Customer: *angry* “I NEVER AGREED TO PAY YOU ANY F****** MONEY! GIVE ME MY GOD**** CABLE!

    Me: “Sir, you obviously don’t understand how this works. We provide a service, and in return you pay a monthly fee. This is where we’re at; nothing can be done until you pay your balance.”

    Customer: “F*** YOU GUYS THEN! I’LL JUST WATCH IT ONLINE, SO THERE! WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?”

    Me: “I think you forgot that we supply your internet as well. It won’t be reconnected until you pay your bill.”

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