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    On The Red Eye For The Red Nose

    | USA |

    (It is Christmas Eve and I am stewarding an overnight flight. A mother is traveling with her two young children, both of whom are crowding around the window.)

    Me: “Excuse me, ma’am, but your children will both have to take their seats shortly.”

    Mother: “Oh, it’s okay. They’re just keeping an eye out for Santa.”

    Me: “Oh how lovely!”

    Mother: “Are they looking out the right side of the plane?”

    Me: *playing along* “They might get lucky if they keep an eye out, but since we’re about to serve the evening meal, they will need to take their seats.”

    Mother: *totally serious* “No! They might miss Santa!”

    Me: “Uh… well ma’am I think you’ll be alright for the moment.”

    Mother: “But we can’t miss Santa! I want them to see the reindeer!”

    Me: “Alright, but if they want to eat their meal they will need to sit in their seats.”

    (I walk roughly two rows down the aisle when another passenger grabs my attention.)

    Passenger: “I don’t care how crazy that mother is, don’t tell them the truth! It’s the only thing that’s been keeping those brats quiet all night!”

    Alarm Bells Will Be Ringing

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    (I work in a department next to the exit. A mother, father, and daughter set off the alarm.)

    Me: “Excuse me, I need to check your bag for something.”

    Husband: “God, really? Fine.”

    (I pull out a kid’s DVD.)

    Daughter: “What’s that?”

    Wife: “Great, just great! Here honey, this was supposed to be one of your Christmas presents! This woman here RUINED CHRISTMAS! I hope you’re happy that you ruined Christmas for this entire family!”

    The Grinch Who Shocked Christmas

    | PA, USA |

    (It is December and Christmas decorations have been recently put up throughout town. I recognize our town manager, in the store. She is responsible for all the towns’ decorations.)

    Me: *as I am ringing up her books* “I love all the lights downtown!”

    Town Manager: “Thank you!”

    Me: “My favorite is the reindeer topiary garden!”

    Town Manager: *scowling* “Well they do look nice, but unfortunately the children like them too.

    Me: *confused* “Excuse me?”

    Town Manager: “The children! They are always trying to touch the reindeer.”

    Me: “I’m sure they’re very excited about Christmas, and hearing all about Rudolph.”

    Town Manager: “The decorations are for looking at! Not for touching! I suggested electricity but no one liked that idea.”

    Me: “You suggested what?”

    Town Manager: “Just a light jolt, to discourage the children!”

    (I am stunned and silent.)

    Town Manager: “No, no one else liked that idea either.”

    Me: “Here are your books! Happy holidays!”

    Leuk Who’s Talking

    | New Zealand |

    (A lady jumps the extremely long line to see Santa.)

    Lady: “Hey, do you mind if we go next? My son actually has leukemia and we need to get to the hospital to get his treatment.”

    Child: “Mum, I don’t have leukemia.”

    Lady: “I told you to SHUT UP!”

    Don’t Knock Knock Christmas

    | Germantown, WI, USA |

    (A dad and his children are in my checkout line. I’m ringing up items for the family when I hear his children talking to each other.)

    8-year old son: “Want to hear a joke?

    5-year old son: “Yeah!”

    8-year old son: “Knock knock.”

    5-year old son: “Who’s there?”

    8-year old son: “Merry!”

    5-year old son: “Merry who?”

    8-year old son: “Merry, it’s almost Christmas!”

    (I laugh.)

    Dad: *looking at me and laughing too* “Yeah, I was wondering where he was going with that.”

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