Your Argument Doesn’t Hold Water

| Tempe, AZ, USA | Books & Reading, Math & Science, School, Uncategorized

(At the college bookstore where I work, students can sell their books back for cash at the end of the semester.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I won’t be able to buy your textbook back because of the water damage.”

(I flip through the book’s crinkled, sticky pages.)

Student: “Oh, it’s okay. It’s not water damage, it’s humidity. I went on vacation to Missouri and it was humid.”

Me: “I still can’t take your book back because I cannot sell this to another student in this condition.”

Student: “But it’s not water damage! It’s humidity! Humidity made the pages stick together!”

Me: “Ma’am, what is humidity?”

Student: “Water, duh!”

(There’s a pause while the wheels begin to turn in her head.)

Student: “Oh…can you help me find my other books, then?”

Batty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

| Toledo, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Uncategorized

(I’m a customer at a grocery store. We’re in a snow storm and people have gone mad in preparation, buying most of the bread, eggs, and milk.)

Customer: *inches from the cashier’s face* “MILK AND BREAD! MILK AND BREAD!”

Cashier: *stunned*

Customer: “I bet all the customers were like that today, huh? All those crazy people buying up all that stuff! But not me, I’m not crazy!” *walks away*

Cashier: *nervously laughs while looking at me wide-eyed*

Se Habla Japañol

, | Springfield, MO, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

(I am taking orders on both lanes at the fast food restaurant. I already have other customers at the second window as someone pulls up to the menu board.)

Customer: “Hablas español?” (“Do you speak Spanish?”)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

Customer: “Hablas español?”

(I say the only thing I know in Spanish.)

Me: “Lo siento, pero no puedo hablar español. Solamente inglés o japonés.” (“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Only English or Japanese.”)

Customer: *in heavily accented English* “I SPEAK JAPANESE TOO!”

Me: “Hontoo? Nihongo o hanasu?” (“Really? You speak Japanese?”)

Customer: “Soo desu yo! Shichi-ban ga hoshii, nomimono wa Sprite desu!” (“Yes I do! I want a number 7 with Sprite!”)

Me: “Nani mo ga hoshii?” (“Would you like anything else?”)

Customer: “Chotto.” (“No thank you.”)

Me: “Hai soo desu, shichi doru san juu sento onegaishimasu. Ni-ban me fune de gozaimasu.”

(The other customers at the second window are still there with a flabbergasted look on their faces. I hand them their food.)

Me: “Don’t ask, it’d take too long to explain. Have a nice night.”

Other Customers: “Sayonara!”

No Civility, No Social Graces, No Service

| North Carolina, USA | Money, Uncategorized

(I am required to ask to see a customer’s credit card and ID if they make a credit purchase over $25.)

Me: “Can I see your card and ID, please, sir?”

Customer: “If my father were here, he’d call you a b****.”

Me: “If your father were here, I’d ask him to leave.”

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: “I don’t tolerate that kind of language. Please leave.”

Customer: *glares at me awhile longer, but eventually leaves the store*

Gluing Up Appearances

| North Carolina, USA | Food & Drink, Math & Science, Uncategorized

(This happened while I was working at an upscale restaurant in North Carolina. It’s during one of the worst droughts in history.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am, here is your table. It’s right by the window as requested.”

Customer: “Can we have another table?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’d be glad to move you to another table, but this is the only one available near a window.”

Customer: “Well, I just don’t want to look out at the dead tree.”

Me: “Dead tree?”

Customer: “Yes, you see that dead tree out there? Honestly, your groundskeeper should be doing a better job.”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s because we are currently in a drought.”

Customer: “So? He should at least water it.”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s against the law to water lawns and trees right now.”

Customer: “Well, he should at least go and glue some fake leaves to the tree!”

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