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    Went To The Wrong Joint

    | California, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Uncategorized

    (In the state of California, it is legal to sell water pipes, hookahs, bubblers, all ‘for tobacco use only’. We also cannot sell anything if a customer even hints at using marijuana.)

    Customer: *showing his ID* “Wow, you guys are strict, huh?”

    Me: “We have to check the IDs of everyone who comes in here. It’s store policy.”

    Customer: “You’re being careful, huh?”

    Me: “I have to be, because the laws are so strict. It’s very delicate. If someone says just one wrong word, I have to ask them to leave the store.”

    Customer: “So how much is that bong there?”

    If You Build It, They Will Come Early

    | Pennsylvania, USA | Crazy Requests, Money, Top, Uncategorized

    (I am working on a new gas station still under construction. Please note that the station is still nothing but a concrete building and new pumps. The gas signs read ‘00.00’.”)

    (A customer pulls up in a car and sits there for ten minutes. She then lays on the horn. I go over to her, and she looks extremely annoyed.)

    Me: “Do you need some help, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Finally! Yes, I want my free gas!”

    Me: *puzzled* “Free gas?”

    Customer: *ridiculous sigh and rolling eyes* “Yes! The sign says zero dollars, so the gas must be free! You have to give me some or I’ll sue for false advertising!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’re not even open yet. We haven’t even finished the roof on the building, we don’t have gas yet. See all the construction stuff?”

    Customer: “Well there’s a sign! It says gas for zero dollars and I want my gas for zero dollars! Now!”

    Me: “Again ma’am, I’m sorry but there is no gas at this station. We’re still building it, we’re not open. Those gas pumps aren’t even hooked up yet.”

    Customer: “Well that’s completely unacceptable! You shouldn’t put signs up before you’re open!”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am, we’re still building it.”

    Customer: *screaming* Well you shouldn’t build it until you’re open! Idiot!”

    Prices Also Listed For Karate Kids

    | Mammoth Lakes, CA, USA | Funny Names, Language & Words, Movies & TV, Uncategorized

    (The movie theater is small and only shows two movies. This week we were playing Grown Ups and another movie. A customer stands outside the box office looking very confused.)

    Me: “Can I help you?”

    Customer: “I’m confused about the movie times.”

    (I print out the movie schedule and hand it to her. She looks at it for a minute but still looks lost.)

    Customer: “No, it doesn’t help. It shows the times that you let the grown-ups in, but it says nothing about the children.”

    A Crude Assumption That Needs Refining

    | Norway | Crazy Requests, Language & Words, Uncategorized

    Customer: “I need oil for my car. I need the 10-40.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we’re out of that.”

    Customer: “Well, go get some more.”

    Me: “I can’t just do that. I could order some for you, and it will be here in a couple of days.”

    Customer: “No! Just go back there!” *points to the storage room* “Get some from the tap.”

    Me: “The tap?”

    Customer: “I know that every gas station is connected to the oil rigs in the North Sea!”

    Morbid Curiosity Killed The Cat

    | Utah, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

    (I answer a crisis hot line for suicide, depression, drugs, any sort of thing they want to talk about.)

    Me: “[Name of Crisis Line]. My name is [name]. Do you feel comfortable sharing your first name?”

    Caller: ”Do people really ever call this line?”

    Me: “Yes, they certainly do. What’s on your mind today?”

    Caller: “Well that’s stupid. Do you just listen to depressed people all day?”

    Me: “I listen to whatever is on their mind. That’s what we’re here for.”

    Caller: “You should just tell them to off themselves.”

    Me: “Sir, if you would like to speak to an operator, I’m right here. If you are prank calling us, that is a misdemeanor and we will prosecute.”

    Caller: *obviously faking it* “Oh… well you see …my… um… my… cat…died.”

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