You (Could Have) Had Me At Hello

| Freeland, PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink, Uncategorized

(I’m an employee stocking the shelf at one end of an aisle. A customer enters at the far end by the milk and is coughing constantly.)

Customer: *coughs*

(I briefly glance over. She’s staring at the milk.)

Customer: *coughs again*

(There’s a long pause. She’s still staring at the milk.)

Customer: *loud coughing*

(I turn to see if she is covering her mouth, but instead see her charging down the aisle at me.)

Customer: “What is wrong with you?! I’ve been coughing to get your attention down there for five minutes! ”

Me: “Ma’am, I glanced over at you several times. You never looked at me.”

Customer: “Oh, yes I did! What does a person have to do here, fall on the floor and have a seizure to get some milk?!”

Denomination Fascination

| New York, NY, USA | Money, Uncategorized

(Note: I am a customer, waiting in line at a bank. I overhear the following conversation between the teller and a customer and his friend.)

Customer: “I’d like to withdraw $160, please.”

Teller: “Sure, no problem. How would you like that today?”

Customer: “Umm, three fifties and a ten, please.”

Customer’s friend: “Whoa, whoa, wait a second. The bank has ten dollar bills?!”

Your Argument Doesn’t Hold Water

| Tempe, AZ, USA | Books & Reading, Math & Science, School, Uncategorized

(At the college bookstore where I work, students can sell their books back for cash at the end of the semester.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I won’t be able to buy your textbook back because of the water damage.”

(I flip through the book’s crinkled, sticky pages.)

Student: “Oh, it’s okay. It’s not water damage, it’s humidity. I went on vacation to Missouri and it was humid.”

Me: “I still can’t take your book back because I cannot sell this to another student in this condition.”

Student: “But it’s not water damage! It’s humidity! Humidity made the pages stick together!”

Me: “Ma’am, what is humidity?”

Student: “Water, duh!”

(There’s a pause while the wheels begin to turn in her head.)

Student: “Oh…can you help me find my other books, then?”

Batty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

| Toledo, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Uncategorized

(I’m a customer at a grocery store. We’re in a snow storm and people have gone mad in preparation, buying most of the bread, eggs, and milk.)

Customer: *inches from the cashier’s face* “MILK AND BREAD! MILK AND BREAD!”

Cashier: *stunned*

Customer: “I bet all the customers were like that today, huh? All those crazy people buying up all that stuff! But not me, I’m not crazy!” *walks away*

Cashier: *nervously laughs while looking at me wide-eyed*

Se Habla Japañol

, | Springfield, MO, USA | Food & Drink, Language & Words, Top

(I am taking orders on both lanes at the fast food restaurant. I already have other customers at the second window as someone pulls up to the menu board.)

Customer: “Hablas español?” (“Do you speak Spanish?”)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

Customer: “Hablas español?”

(I say the only thing I know in Spanish.)

Me: “Lo siento, pero no puedo hablar español. Solamente inglés o japonés.” (“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Only English or Japanese.”)

Customer: *in heavily accented English* “I SPEAK JAPANESE TOO!”

Me: “Hontoo? Nihongo o hanasu?” (“Really? You speak Japanese?”)

Customer: “Soo desu yo! Shichi-ban ga hoshii, nomimono wa Sprite desu!” (“Yes I do! I want a number 7 with Sprite!”)

Me: “Nani mo ga hoshii?” (“Would you like anything else?”)

Customer: “Chotto.” (“No thank you.”)

Me: “Hai soo desu, shichi doru san juu sento onegaishimasu. Ni-ban me fune de gozaimasu.”

(The other customers at the second window are still there with a flabbergasted look on their faces. I hand them their food.)

Me: “Don’t ask, it’d take too long to explain. Have a nice night.”

Other Customers: “Sayonara!”

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