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    Grab Bag: Alaskan Cruise

    | Alaska |

    (I worked briefly in one of the regional offices for a cruise line. One of my jobs was to read all customer comment cards from the end of their tours and cruises and enter the comments into our database.)

    1. “Please cut down some of the trees in Denali National Park. It is difficult to see the forest because these trees are in the way.”

    2. “There are a lot of old cars scattered all over the place. Can you please remove them? They look ugly.”

    3. “I wanted to see Mt. McKinley but it was raining and too cloudy. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

    4. “I couldn’t swim in the outside pool on the cruise ship because it was raining the entire trip. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

    5. “I didn’t like the reindeer sausage you served on the train. I want my money back and/or a free cruise.”

    6. “I wanted to see the wildlife tour, but 5:00 am is way too early for me to wake up while I’m on vacation. Can you please schedule the wildlife to be available later in the afternoon, so that I can see them?”

    7. “I was supposed to ride the train through Denali National Park, but there was a fire. Why did you schedule the fire while I was there?”

    8. “Why are there so many Alaskan natives in Alaska? Can you ask them to leave?”

    9. “There are way too many trees and animals on the wildlife tour. Can you please put in some malls and tennis courts?”

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    Customer Service, God Speaking

    | El Paso, TX, USA |

    (I’m working at the library; it’s cloudy and raining outside.)

    Patron: “Can you do something about all that noise?”

    Me: “Is the AC too loud? Maintenance isn’t here today, but I can give you some ear plugs.”

    Patron: “NOT THAT! ¬†The construction! ¬†Tell them I’m trying to work!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but there’s no construction.”

    Patron: “That rumbling!”

    Me: “You mean the thunder?”

    Patron: “Whatever. Tell them to stop.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I really have no control over nature.”

    Patron: “Ugh, you people! You can’t do ANYTHING!”

    (Sadly, this man is a doctor.)

    Confessions Of A Teenage Bagger

    | Frankfort, KY, USA |

    (I’m a 17 year old bag boy at a local grocer. I’m finishing up an order when the customer, a middle-aged woman, walks uncomfortably close to me and stares at my curly hair.)

    Me: “How are you doing this evening, ma’am?”

    Customer: “I love your hair.”

    Me: “Uh… thanks. I kind of hate it, to be honest.”

    Customer: “I just want to go barefooted and romp around in it like I was in a meadow.”

    Me: “… have a good day, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Bye!”

    (She winks. I shudder.)

    He Shoots, He Misses

    | New Paltz, New York, USA |

    (I used to work at a drug store. ¬†From time to time, the pharmacy portion of the store wouldn’t open because there wasn’t a pharmacist to do so. A customer reads the closed sign…)

    Customer: “What’s the meaning of this?!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The pharmacy is closed today because we don’t have a pharmacist.”

    Customer: “People are SICK! They need their MEDICATION!”

    Me: “I wish there was something I could do, sir, but–”

    Customer: “You know what this is? Do you?! Two words! TWO WORDS! UN-ACCEPTABLE!”

    Always Right, Unless There’s Not Enough Light

    | Harare, Zimbabwe |

    (Note: this story takes place at a bank in Zimbabwe.)

    Teller: “Good morning sir, how may I help you?”

    Me: “Good morning, please may I withdraw 100 billion?”

    (This is about 1 US dollar.)

    Teller: “I’m very sorry sir, but we do not have enough sun.”

    Me: “What!?”

    Teller: “We cannot give you money because we do not have enough sun.”

    Me: “Why do you need sun to give me money?”

    Teller: “Oh, we are having a power cut, and the solar panel isn’t receiving enough sun to run the computers.”

    Me: *laughs* “Thank you very much for the best excuse, ever.”

    Teller: “You’re welcome sir, have a good day.”


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