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    The Last Days Of Rasputin

    , | Columbus, Ohio |

    (I’m a graphic designer for a small sign shop. When the customer service rep leaves for lunch I’m stuck running the front desk for an hour. Since I mostly work in the back, I’m only trained on how to take orders and payments. On this fateful day the CSR was out sick and the owner had to step out for about ten minutes to run an errand. A man with a thick Russian accent steps into the shop.)

    Customer: “I need these now.” *throws a book of zodiac signs down on the counter*

    Me: “Okay… what is it you need?”

    Customer: “These! These! I talk with your father earlier about this and I need now!”

    Me: “Um… my dad doesn’t work here. Do you mean my boss?”

    Customer: “Whatever. He said you have done today.”

    Me:“Well sir, we are pretty busy right now and we don’t usually guarantee a sign in the same day. I could have it to you tomorrow at the earliest.”

    Customer: “I need this, this and this. Now. He said he get them now.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what you spoke to him about, but he will be back in a few minutes and you can speak with him personally about it.”

    Customer: “I need now! He said he get them now! You go make them now!”

    Me: “Tell me what you want and I will do my best to make them for you.”

    Customer: “He knows. He’ll tell you. Go make them.”

    Me: “I told you he is not here right now. If you want to leave the book here, I will talk to him about it and get the order together for you.”

    Customer: “DO YOU HAVE LIFE?!”

    Me: “Did you just ask if I have a life?”

    Customer: “LIFE! LIFE! DO YOU HAVE IT?!”

    Me: “Um… yeah. I have a life. It’s in the back of the shop. Please leave.”

    Customer: *shouts something in Russian and storms out the door*

    Coworker: “What the h*** was that all about?”

    Me: “I really don’t know!”

    DIY Sales

    , | New York City, NY, USA |

    (A woman comes up to the counter where I am manning the register. She has her teenaged daughter in tow.)

    Me: “Hi, can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, we’re just going to get this dress for my daughter. She’s going to her homecoming dance. She finally has a date. For a while we thought she was a lesbian, but then–”

    Customer’s daughter: “MOM! ”

    Me: “Right then. That’ll be $56.99.”

    Customer: “What?! That sign said it was 50% off!”

    Me: “Er, I don’t think so. Let me check the system… Sorry, ma’am, our system says it’s full price.”

    Customer: “That’s crazy! I saw it with my own eyes!” *walks off*

    (I wait on several more customers before the woman comes back, holding a sign that says 50% off, obviously handmade with a marker and a piece of paper.)

    Customer: “See? I told you so.”

    Me: “Ma’am, where did you get that sign?”

    Customer: “I just got it off the rack.”

    Me: “Ma’am, those signs are welded to the rack. It’s apparent you just made that.”

    Customer: “I’m going to sue you for false advertising!”

    Me: “And we’ll sue you for trying to screw us over.”

    Customer’s daughter: “Mom, just stop.”

    Customer: “We’re leaving!”

    Say What?

    , | Minnesota, USA |

    Cashier, to me: “Can you please help me? I have no idea what this guy is saying.

    Me: “Hi sir, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I wanna cup of onions and cheese.”

    Me: “Um, we don’t have that on the menu. Did you just want a side of onions?”

    Customer: “NO! I want the onions… those little things.”

    Me: “What do you mean? Did you want a burger with only onions?”

    Customer: “NO! I want onions and cheese!”

    Me: “Ok…” *I go to the back and get some onions in a cup* “Is this what you wanted?”

    Customer: “No. I want a cup of onions and cheese.”

    Me: “These are the only kind of onions we have here, sir.”

    Customer: “No. What is this?” *picks up a milk jug*

    Me: “A jug of milk…”

    Customer: “Yeah, that’s what I want! What is so hard to understand what I’m saying?”

    Me: “I don’t know… but those aren’t onions or cheese.”

    Customer: “It’s a hamburger!”

    Zombie Management

    | Torrance, CA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “**** Publishing, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Is Mr. **** in?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, Mr. **** passed away last month.”

    Caller: “Well, when is he coming back?!”

    Invisible Incentive

    | Burton on Trent, UK |

    (There were a series of compilation albums on release called “Air Guitar Hero”, which had a very tongue-in-cheek advertisement. I had just sold a copy to a customer who returned to the store 10 minutes later.)

    Me: “Are you OK there?”

    Customer: “Well, I didn’t get my free air guitar with this CD.”

    Me: “Excuse me? I’m not sure what you mean.”

    Customer: “This CD, it’s supposed to come with a free air guitar.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “On the advertisement, the one on TV. It says comes with free air guitar!”

    Me: “Um, that’s a joke they made on the advertisement.”

    Customer: “But it says on the advertisement I get a free air guitar with this album!”


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