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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Death Goes Shopping

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (We are having a big sale on lobsters and I’m standing behind an open case of them.)

    Customer: “Are these alive?”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, they’re all alive.”

    (The customer picks one up that is moving and violently shakes it.)

    Customer: “This one isn’t!”

    Me: “That’s because you just killed it, ma’am.”

    Customer: “How dare you accuse me of that!” *violently throws the lobster back into the case and storms off*

    Truth In Advertising

    | Bloomingdale, IL, USA |

    (A customer brings up four panties with a free pair of panties coupon.)

    Me: “If you grab one more pair of panties, you can get the five for $25 promotion.”

    Customer: “I don’t want to.”

    Me: “Well, with the coupon and the promotion you will be saving money.”

    Customer: “Why are you forcing me to buy more?! I want these panties only!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, you are paying $24.50 right now for only four panties. When you purchase a fifth one, you will actually save money.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want to! You can’t make me buy another one!”

    Me: “Ma’am, please…I am not trying to make you pay more. I am trying to save you money!”

    Customer: “You…want to save me…money?

    (The customer reluctantly grabs one more pair of panties and I ring it up.)

    Me: “Now, your total is $21.52.”

    Customer: “You actually did want to save me money! *whispers* “I’m kind of slow…”

    I Put A Spell On You… And You.. And You…

    , | Canada |

    (I’ve just helped a customer find a pair of shoes.)

    Customer: “Thanks so much. It’s so great the last pair was in my size!”

    Me: “Yeah, that was pretty lucky.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “Oh, it wasn’t luck. I put a curse on everyone with the same shoe size as me so they wouldn’t buy these shoes.”

    Misunderstanding The Great Melting Pot

    | Bay Area, CA |

    Me: “Hi, what would you like to order?”

    Customer: “Can I get some bread sticks?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have bread sticks.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Can I get… what was it called? Chow mein?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t serve chow mein. We have something like that called yaki udon, though.”

    Customer: “What? Why don’t you have chow mein?”

    Me: “That is a Chinese dish and this is a Japanese restaurant.”

    Customer: “They’re different?!”

    Some (Don’t Really) Like It Hot

    | Austin, TX | Top

    (I’m waiting on a table of fourteen in the middle of the lunch rush. The customer I am speaking to is the first order I take at the table.)

    Customer: “…oh, and I need some of that spicy salsa y’all have.”

    (I tell the customer I’ll get that right out and proceed to take the rest of the table’s order.)

    Customer: “I thought I asked you for spicy salsa?”

    Me: “I haven’t left the table, sir.”

    Customer: “Then how do you expect the salsa to get here? Magic?”

    Me: “I was taking the rest of your party’s order, sir. I’ll go get the salsa right now.”

    Customer: “And will you find out how long until our food comes out?”

    Me: “Sir, I haven’t put in the order yet, because I just finished taking it.”

    Customer: “Is this your first day or something?”

    Me: “No, sir, I’ve been working here since we opened three years ago.”

    (As I am walking back to the kitchen, another table flags me down, ready to order. The same customer gets up from his table and taps me on the shoulder while I am talking to this table.)

    Customer: “I don’t know how long I am supposed to wait for the d*** spicy salsa.”

    Me: “Sir, as soon as I take this table’s order I will literally walk into the cooler and get you some spicy salsa.”

    (I immediately bring him the salsa, and am returning to the computer to put in the orders. He walks across the restaurant and stares at me.)

    Me: “Is there a problem, sir?”

    Customer: “This salsa is too spicy.”

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