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    Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Consumer

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    (I was closing one night, and it was slow. A nervous-looking man came in and went to go order his drink.)

    Me: “Hi, welcome to ****! What can I get for you this evening?”

    Customer: “Um…yes. Can I get a coffee?”

    Me: “OK, anything else tonight?”

    Customer: “Yes…” *takes out piece of paper* “An iced venti unsweetened black tea.”

    Me: “OK, your total is $4.30.”

    Customer: *frowns* “How much is the iced tea?”

    Me: “It’s $2.28…do you want me to take it off?”

    Customer: “No…you see, I’m on a blind date. My date told me that her regular drink at **** was this iced tea…and also that the price of the iced tea is her weight.”

    The Hole In His Logic

    | London, UK | Top

    Customer: “I’m looking for your nuts.”

    Me: “Those are on aisle four sir.”

    Customer: “I’ve already looked and I can’t find them. I’m looking for my favorites.”

    Me: “All the types of nut we have in stock are in aisle four, if you can’t find them then we don’t stock them. Do you want me to have a look for you?”

    Customer: “No no, I’ll go look again.”

    (Five minutes later, he returns.)

    Customer: “I still can’t find my favorite nuts!”

    Me: “Then I am afraid we must not stock them.”

    Customer: “But my wife gets them for me from here every week!”

    Me: “What type of nuts does she buy you?”

    Customer: “Donuts…”

    Have Customer, Will Poke

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    (At the museum where I work, I see a patron knocking on one of our replicas with his knuckles.)

    Patron, to wife: “Hey look, honey. This here is a replica!” *knocks again*

    Me: “Sir, please don’t touch that.”

    Patron: “But it’s a replica, isn’t it?”

    Me: “Yes, it is, but we still ask that you don’t touch it.”

    Patron: “Well, it’s not under a glass case, which means that it is not valuable. I have every right to touch it.”

    Me: “No, actually–”

    Patron: “Yes! If I see something that’s not cased, it means I can touch it, AND I WILL TOUCH IT!”

    Suddenly, Everything Just Clicked

    , | Saskatoon, SK, Canada |

    (I am helping an elderly caller troubleshoot her computer issue, and I ask her to unplug her router. I hear a strange noise, after which her voice sounds very distant.)

    Caller: “Okay, it’s unplugged.”

    Me: “You sound really far away, ma’am. Did you drop the phone or something?”

    Caller: “No, all I did was open the window… oh!”

    (The caller starts laughing hysterically, and I can now hear her clearly.)

    Me: “What happened, ma’am?”

    Caller: “I was accidentally holding the mouse to my ear instead of the phone!”

    Not-So-Immaculate Conceptions

    | Sioux Falls, SD, USA |

    (I’m cleaning a table that a young couple just left and find a used tampon floating in their old drink and a pregnancy test hiding in their napkin. I turn around to see a frantic woman.)

    Customer: “Where is it?!”

    Me: “Uh…excuse me?”

    Customer: “I left some personal things here – what happened to them?”

    (I look at my tub and then back at her. She looks at my tub and then back at me, and suddenly turns pale.)

    Customer: “Oh…”

    Me: “Sorry, ma’am?”

    Customer: *suddenly quiet* “Do you remember what the result was?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just f****** great! Thanks for nothing!”

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