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    Eastern Standard Time Travelers

    | Oregon, USA |

    (I received this call shortly after news broke about the emergency landing of a US Airways flight on the Hudson.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling customer service, how may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Did you hear about the plane that crashed into the Hudson River just a few moments ago?”

    Me: “There was a plane crash? Oh, my… was anyone hurt?”

    Customer: “No, they all lived. I’m surprised you haven’t heard about it yet. Where are you located?”

    Me: “Well, I don’t have access to a television to see the current news. I am in Oregon.”

    Customer: “Well, no wonder you haven’t heard of it happening yet. It happened in New York, which is 3 hours ahead of you!”

    Unbearably Bad Ideas

    | Jasper, AB, Canada | Top

    (Note: I worked in a resort over the summer as a concierge.)

    Tourist: “Can we see any wildlife in the area, you know, by the side of the road?”

    Me: “Sure, we routinely see elk, deer, mountain goats and bighorn sheep. I’ve seen a couple wolves too, and we get a lot of bears.”

    Tourist: “Oh! Can we feed the bears?”

    Me: “No, sir, the bears are wild bears. They are extremely dangerous and you should never approach any wild animal. Just stay in your car, with the windows up, and you’ll be fine.”

    Tourist: “Oh… can we send our kids to play with the bears?”

    Me: “That would be ‘feeding the bears,’ sir…”

    Barry Burnin’ White

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Caller: “Hello, I work offshore. I got home from a 3 week assignment yesterday, and me and the wife were doing the… you know… we were being… uhh…”

    Me: “… intimate?”

    Caller: “Nah. It was pretty rough. But anyhow, we were doing our thing.”

    (At this point, I’m pretty sure the caller is actually a buddy of
    mine, pranking me. I was wrong.)

    Me: “Sir, this is a stereo repair shop. Are you aware–”

    Caller: “Yeah, yeah, sorry. That’s not the point. When we got done, I noticed the music had stopped. I looked over there, and there were fumes coming off the receiver. So, I called your customer service number and they told me I need to write a description of the problem. I don’t know what happened, so I figured I’d call a tech guy to help me with the description. You got any idea what I should write?”

    Me: “Well, uhh… how about ‘smokes after sex’?”

    Caller: *laughing* “DONE! I like yer style, mah friend!”

    (That call totally made my day. I almost got fired over it, but it was worth it!)

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    I’m A Mac, With Reinforcements

    | Urbana, IL, USA | Top

    Customer: “How much is this iPod Touch thingy?”

    Me: “$229, sir.”

    Customer: “Now, I’ve heard that these things can get the internet, right?”

    Me: “That’s correct.”

    Customer: “How does it get the internet without any wires?”

    Me: “Well, it works the same way a computer would; you can connect to any wi-fi netwo-”

    Customer: “WHOA! Wi-fi? I can’t use wi-fi!”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “Haven’t you heard?”

    Me: “…no?”

    Customer: “Wi-fi is what causes cancer. People are getting cancer more and more because we keep expanding our wi-fi networks. I’m only safe because of this!”

    (He pulls out a pendant he was wearing as a necklace under his shirt. It is a cylindrical white plastic container with a radioactive sticker on it.)

    Customer: “This thing right here protects me! It’s protecting you right now too!”

    Me: “Oh…OK…”

    Customer: “Yeah. Inside of this, there’s a thing that goes faster than the speed of light!”

    (He starts to flap his arms wildly in a circle to demonstrate ‘faster than light’, while making a ‘whoosh’ sound.)

    Me: “…cool…”

    Customer: “YEAH IT IS! On TV they try to tell us that things can’t travel faster than the speed of light, but I know that’s garbage! They just want us to get cancer. You NEED to get one of these things, man!”

    Me: “Um…yeah. Well, I’m sorry about the iPod then, is there anything else you need help with?”

    Customer: “What? I want the iPod!”

    Me: “I thought it would give you cancer?”

    Customer: “No. I’m PROTECTED.”

    Me: “…”

    Common Sense Is Not That High-Reaching…

    | Red Deer, Alberta, Canada |

    (This was during a first-stage fire alarm in the hotel, which was already verified to be a false alarm.)

    Guest: *completely oblivious to the fire alarm* “The elevators aren’t working properly!”

    Me: “The elevators won’t work during a fire alarm, but we already know it’s a false alarm. It will take us about 5 minutes to reset the elevator doors. If you need to get to your room right now the stairs are just outside those doors.” *pointing*

    Guest: “Why won’t they work? I don’t get it.”

    Me: “In a real emergency such as a fire, it is unsafe for anyone to use the elevators. I assure you it’s a pretty standard procedure. If you need to get up right away I can show you the stairs.”

    Guest: “Well, that’s just unsafe! What do the people trapped on the upper floors do?! HOW DO THEY GET DOWN DURING A FIRE?!”

    Nearby Guest: *patiently waiting for the elevator to be re-set* “They use the same stairs you were told to use!”

    Guest: “Well, I’m not from the city, I don’t know these things!”

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