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    Morbid Curiosity Killed The Cat

    | Utah, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

    (I answer a crisis hot line for suicide, depression, drugs, any sort of thing they want to talk about.)

    Me: “[Name of Crisis Line]. My name is [name]. Do you feel comfortable sharing your first name?”

    Caller: ”Do people really ever call this line?”

    Me: “Yes, they certainly do. What’s on your mind today?”

    Caller: “Well that’s stupid. Do you just listen to depressed people all day?”

    Me: “I listen to whatever is on their mind. That’s what we’re here for.”

    Caller: “You should just tell them to off themselves.”

    Me: “Sir, if you would like to speak to an operator, I’m right here. If you are prank calling us, that is a misdemeanor and we will prosecute.”

    Caller: *obviously faking it* “Oh… well you see …my… um… my… cat…died.”

    Talking Shirty

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Uncategorized

    Customer: “Hey, I need you to help me pick out something to wear.”

    Me: “Alright. Any special occasion?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I got a date on Saturday. I’m taking my girl to [local amusement park].”

    Me: “Alright, so you’ll probably need shorts and a nice shirt. How about this?”

    Customer: “No, nicer than that.”

    Me: “It’s supposed to be really hot this weekend, so you’d need a shirt with a thin fabric. This is a very well-made shirt.”

    Customer: “If you say so, but I better get laid or I’ll be back Sunday and file a complaint.”

    (A female coworker walks past and the customer starts talking to her.)

    Customer: “Hey, would you sleep with me if I wore this?”

    Female coworker: “…”

    No Appointment, No Point

    | New Jersey, USA | Bizarre, School, Uncategorized

    Customer: “I would like to cancel my appointment for a tutor at 1:30.”

    Me: “You are not booked for 1:30.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. Can I make a appointment for 1:30 then?”

    Me: “Didn’t you just say you want to cancel it?”

    Customer: “Don’t I need to have a appointment first to cancel it?”

    Can’t Take The Heat Of A Melting Pot

    | Trois-Rivières, QC, Canada | Canada, Language & Words, Top, Uncategorized

    Coworker: “Hello, sir. Are you looking for something?”

    Customer: “I refuse to be helped by you. You’re Chinese. You’re another one of these darn immigrants stealing the honest Canadians’ jobs!”

    Coworker: “Well, my grandmother is from Japan, but I assure you I was born in the province of Quebec.”

    Customer: “Lies, lies, and lies!” *spots me* “Finally, a prime example of our good Canadian youth. Young sir, can you help me, please?”

    Me: *in my New Brunswick accent* “Sure I can. What are you looking for?”

    Customer: “What kind of accent is this? Are you German? Or Russian? Get me the manager! I don’t understand how a sane person could hire these instead of a hard working Canadian!”

    Me: *grabbing the phone* “Calling Maria to front desk.”

    Customer: “Maria!? That’s Latino!”

    Taking A Leap (Year) From The Truth

    | Rothschild, WI, USA | Home Improvement, Money, Uncategorized

    Customer: “I bought this heat gun a month and a half ago. I don’t have a receipt. I just want an exchange.”

    Me: “You bought this a month and a half ago? About early June?”

    Customer: “Yes. I just want an exchange.”

    Me: *double checks computer* “Sir, we discontinued this almost a year ago. We sold our last one this past October.”

    Customer: “Maybe it was a little longer than a month and a half…”

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