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    Secret Agent Man Loses It

    , | Elk Grove, CA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello, thank you for calling ***. This is *** speaking. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what kind of GPS tracers you have.”

    Me: “Certainly, sir. We have the Zoombak system here for–”

    Customer: “No no no, I need something smaller!”

    Me: “…smaller? What are you looking for exactly, sir?”

    Customer: “I want to get a GPS that I can slip onto someone’s person so I can follow them around closely! I think my wife’s having an affair.”

    Me: “Sir, we don’t sell anything like that here.”

    Customer: “But you sell GPS’s!”

    Me: “The receivers, sir.”

    Customer: “And the transmitters?”

    Me: “Huh?”

    Customer: “The transmitters for your receivers!”

    Me: “No, sir. Not that kind of receiver. We only have the kind that tells you where you are.”

    Customer: “So you have nothing I can use to track people? Why not?”

    Me: “Well, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

    Customer: “What about those things for tracking kids, or the things the POLICE use?”

    Me: “The police have special forms for use, and special power to enact them. And the ones for kids are special-case as well, as the child is under 18, so consent isn’t need–”

    Customer: “Well then, I wanna follow my son around!”

    Me: “You just said ‘wife’. And we don’t have them.”

    Customer: “Oh. What about tasers?”

    Me: “We don’t sell weapons.”

    Customer: “You don’t sell a lot of things, do you? What about audio bugs?”

    Me: “Sir, it seems you want the spy shop. I can give you their number–”

    Customer: “Oh, I know all about them! I’ve had COVERT training, pal! I just thought you might appreciate my covert business. I guess I gotta go take my ELITE COVERTNESS over to the spy shop, then. Jerk.” *hangs up*

    Coworker: *listening in*“You sure that wasn’t a radio station screwing with you?”

    No Dollars, No Sense

    | Juarez, Mexico |

    Me: “Thank you for calling **** Bank, may I have your full name please?”

    Customer: “I’m not giving you my full name. I want to speak to a supervisor.”

    Me: “I’m sure I can help you solve your problem, ma’am, just give me your full name so I can look up your information.”

    Customer: “All right, FINE! My name is ****.”

    Me: “Thank you, Ms. ****. What seems to be the problem?”

    Customer: “I was at the store trying to buy baby formula, but I didn’t have any money left on my account. Why is that?”

    Me: “Well, it appears you have made several purchases throughout the day, and you eventually ran out of money.”

    Customer: *yelling* “I KNOW THAT I BOUGHT STUFF EARLIER, BUT WHY DON’T I HAVE ANY MONEY LEFT?!”

    Me: “Well, ma’am, you could go ahead and return what you bought to get your money back and–”

    Customer: *interrupting, baby crying in the background* “HOLD ON, SIR!”

    Background Voice: “Hi, welcome to ****, how can I help you today?”

    (At this point, the customer starts placing a food order while I wait on the line for her to get back to me, and the baby keeps crying.)

    Customer: “Here baby, don’t cry…have some fries.”

    Me: “Ms. ****, are you still there?”

    Customer: “Yes I’m here – have you put my money back in my account
    yet?”

    Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that. You’ve already spent the money, so your best bet is to go and return some of the things you bought earlier.”

    Customer: “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DO THAT FOR ME!”

    Me: “I can’t do that; you have to do it personally.”

    Customer: “CAN’T YOU JUST DO IT ON YOUR COMPUTER?!”

    Me: “No ma’am, it’s not physically possible for me to walk into a store with your stuff through my computer.”

    Customer: *yelling louder* “WELL, IF YOU CAN’T USE ALL YOUR TECHNOLOGY TO DO A SIMPLE THING LIKE THAT, I’M GONNA HAVE TO SWITCH BANKS! THANKS FOR NOTHING!” *hangs up*

    Under The N-Sea-17

    | Silver Spring, MD, USA |

    Me: “Hello ma’am. Welcome to ****. How may I help you today?”

    Customer: “Hello, I’d like to know which is the best animated pornographic movie you have.”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “It’s for my husband. I’d like to buy him one for his birthday.”

    Me: “…I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t sell those.”

    Customer: *exasperated* “Yes you DO.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’m afraid we don’t.”

    Customer: “YES YOU DO. I just SAW them. I’ll go get it!”

    (A few minutes later she returns, waving “The Little Mermaid” in my face.)

    Customer: “See? SEE?”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “Ma’am, that’s a Disney movie. It’s aimed at little kids.”

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “Disney is well-known for their children’s movies.”

    Customer: “You mean you show PORN TO LITTLE KIDS?! CHILD ABUSER! CHILD ABUSER! YOU ARE SCARRING OUR CHILDREN FOR LIFE! YOU B****!”

    (She angrily walks out of the store, throwing the movie on the ground.)

    Air Mattress 2: The Secret Of The Ooze

    | Columbus, OH, USA |

    Me: “Hi sir, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I bought this air mattress here a few weeks ago. It was a good deal, but something’s not right.”

    Me: “Does it have a leak, perhaps? That’s a fairly common problem.”

    Customer: “No no, nothing like that. It holds the air fine.”

    Me: “All right – what’s wrong with it?”

    Customer: “It’s mutating. It just keeps growing on its own.”

    (I look at the mattress, which fits perfectly fine in its box.)

    Me: “Growing?”

    Customer: “Yes, it’s alive! The sheets don’t fit it anymore, and it won’t stop expanding. I was sold a mutating mattress!”

    Thou Shalt Not Use The Lord’s Name To Haggle

    , | Dallas, TX, USA | Money, Religion

    (My coworker has just put together a very expensive PA System for the pastor of a church.)

    Coworker: “Alright pastor, is there anything else I can get for you today?”

    Pastor: “No… thank you. I’m very grateful for all your help. What is the price, son?”

    Coworker: “Well, after all of the added items and sales tax, your total comes to $4,478.89.”

    Pastor: “What!? Let me ask you this… what would JESUS pay for this?!”

    Coworker: *without delay* “Sir, Jesus paid the ultimate price and died for your sins. Your total is still $4,478.89.”

    (The pastor was not amused, but paid the full amount.)


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