Curiosity Kilt The (Peeping Tom)Cat

| New Jersey, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

(I’m working mall security when a hysterical woman comes up to me. She’s making no sense, but she keeps mentioning the word ‘quilt’.)

Customer: “Quick! Quick!”

Me: “Ma’am, please calm down and tell me what’s going on.”

(The customer finally composes herself enough to form coherent sentences.)

Customer: “There’s a man walking around in a quilt with nothing underneath it! You have to throw him out!”

(Thinking she means there’s a flasher in the mall, I follow her to the food court. The customer grows more hysterical as we approach. There is nobody matching her description.)

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t–”

(She angrily points at a man in Scottish attire quietly enjoying a coffee.)

Customer: “There he is! He’s scaring the children walking around like that!”

Me: “Ma’am, please stop shouting. There is nothing illegal about his way of dress and there certainly is no telling whether or not he’s wearing anything underneath.”

(At this point the man in question approaches us.)

Man: “I wish to lodge a complaint against this woman. She’s been following me around and trying to get a look at…well…” *gestures at his kilt*

Me: “Ma’am, is this true?”

(The woman turns bright red and starts fidgeting uncomfortably.)

Customer: “Well, I…but…what about the children?!” *storms off*

No Bar And No Bite

| Portsmouth, NH, USA | Liars & Scammers

(A customer is trying to return an opened CD. This is against store policy, which is clearly stated on a poster in the store and is printed on every receipt. While discussing this with the customer, I notice a name tag from a local pet store on his shirt.)

Customer: “You have to give me a refund! I’m a lawyer and I know my rights!”

Me: *giggles*

Customer: “What’s so funny? I will sue you and I will sue this whole company! Give me my refund!”

Me: “You’re a lawyer?”

Customer: “Of course! Are you calling me a liar? I’ll sue you!”

Me: “So, do you work at [pet store] between cases or is that just a fashion statement?” *points to the name tag*

Customer: “Uh…well…you see…”

Me: “Isn’t it illegal to impersonate a lawyer?”

Customer: “Never mind!”

(The ‘lawyer’ grabs the CD and walks out of the store with his head hanging.)

Your Brain’s The Smaller One

| Attleboro, MA, USA | Movies & TV

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like a medium popcorn, please.”

Me: “Did you want to make that medium popcorn a large for seventy five cents more?” *I hold up both the medium and large bags*

Customer: “Which one is the large one?”

Me: “I’m…sorry?”

Customer: “Is it the smaller bag?”

Honest Heisters

| Dublin, Ireland | Criminal/Illegal

Me: “Hi. We are calling from [company]. Would you have some time to take part in a survey about Ireland?”

Customer: “No, I can’t take part. I’m just a burglar here.”

Me: “Oh, okay…we will try again some time.”

DIY: Dental It Yourself

, | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Health & Body

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “I need a very fine grit sandpaper.”

Me: “Here you go.”

Customer: “Thanks! This will be perfect for my teeth!”

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