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    Variety Is The Vice Of Life

    | Washington DC, USA |

    Me: “Here’s your drink. Are you ready to order your food, or would you like some more time?”

    Customer: “No, I know what I wants. I wants the cheeseburger. That’s all.”

    Me: “OK, what kind of cheese would you like, and how well would you like that cooked?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “Sorry – what kind of cheese would you like, and how well would you like that cooked?”

    Customer: “Whadya mean what kinda cheese? Reg’lar yella cheese!”

    Me: “OK…and how well done would you like that?”

    Customer: “Huh?”

    Me: “How well-cooked would you like the burger, sir?”

    Customer: “What you talkin’ ’bout, how well-cooked?”

    Me: “Would you like it cooked rare, medium rare, medium, medium well or well done?”

    Customer: “Now look – when I go to [another fast food restaurant] and order me a burger, they don’t ask me if I want it cooked! Course I want it cooked. I don’t want no raw meat. Now gimme a d*** cooked burger with some plain ol’ yella cheese!”

    Me: “Yes, sir!”

    The Offend-O-Bot 3000 Strikes Again

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Top

    (An old man walks into the lobby.)

    Me: “Hi, how are you doing?”

    Customer: “Everyone I can.”

    Me: “…”

    (The customer pulls out a cigar, lights it, then ashes it on the counter.)

    Me: “You can’t smoke a cigar in here.”

    Customer: “That’s what she said.”

    Me: “…”

    Always Right, Even When Making A Nation Of 130 Million Vanish

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Top

    Caller: “I need a provider who can speak Spanish.”

    Coworker: “Okay, we can find one for you.”

    Caller: “Really? What if I wanted a provider who spoke Japanese?”

    Coworker: “No problem, we have those.”

    Caller: “Really? You have providers who speak Japanese?”

    Coworker: “Yes.”

    Caller: “But Japanese don’t exist!”

    Pint-Sized Purification

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    Caller: “Hi, do you have any doctors that prescribe detox drugs?”

    Me: “No, we don’t provide that service.”

    Caller: “How do you know? You have lots of doctors. How do you know?!”

    Me: “We don’t specialize in addiction treatment. Our doctors aren’t that type of practitioner.”

    Caller: “Why?! What if I need them to be?”

    Me: “Well, then you would have to call another office.”

    Caller: “What kind of doctor’s don’t prescribe detox meds?!”

    Me: “Pediatricians…”

    Caller: “Oh!” *hangs up phone*

    The Caffeine Makes Us Clingy

    | Beaverton, OR, USA |

    Me: “Hi! What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I’d like an iced grande breve.”

    Me: “A latte?”

    Customer: “I don’t have to say latte!”

    Me: “I know what you mean, ma’am, but you should be careful. If you order that somewhere else, you might just get a cup of iced half and half.”

    Customer: “I don’t have to order like that at [ice cream store]!

    Me: “Ah–”

    Customer: “They’re less needy at [ice cream store]! It takes too much effort to get what I want here! GROW UP!”

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