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    One Plate Of Hot Air, Coming Right Up

    | Lexington, KY, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like the tofu & veggie dish, but I want that with no tofu.”

    Me: “Sure! We could add in chicken, or beef, or–”

    Customer: “No, I don’t want that. I just don’t like tofu.”

    Me: “I understand that. I don’t really care for it, myself.”

    Customer: “It’s not even a veggie…Oh, and can I have no veggies in that?”

    Me: “…What?”

    Customer: “I don’t want any veggies in that, either.”

    Me: “So…you want the tofu & veggie dish with no tofu, no meat, and no veggies?”

    Customer: “Yes!”

    Elemental State Of Confusion

    | California, USA | Top

    (I had just brought a table their glasses of water before coming back to take their orders.)

    Customer: “There’s something in my water! I demand a new one right away!”

    (She holds up an ice cube in her hand to show me.)

    Me: “Oh OK, I’ll bring you one without ice.”

    Customer: “Without what?”

    Me: “Ice.”

    Customer: “Ice? Huh?”

    Me: “Um…ice cubes.”

    (She looks at me blankly.)

    Me: “The little cubes of frozen water…”

    Customer: “FROZEN WATER! That’s crazy…why is it in my glass?”

    Me: “To keep your water cold.”

    Customer: “Well, if I wanted that I would’ve ordered an iced water! Haven’t you ever been to Starbucks? That’s the way a REAL restaurant does it.”

    Me: “…”

    The Secret Lives Of Customers

    , | California, USA |

    (I am helping a customer upgrade his cell phone, which was broken for some reason. I open the phone and set it on the counter.)

    Customer: “Gosh, I don’t know why it doesn’t–hey! It looks wet in there!”

    Me: “Oh? Well, it does, but the indicator says it’s not water, or at least it didn’t do any damage to the hardware.”

    (The customer picks up his phone, sniffs at it, touches the liquid and TASTES it.)

    Customer: “Oh! OH! The butter!”

    Me: “…sir…can I ask…how did you–”

    Customer: “You know, I’d rather not explain that one.”

    A Sleepwalk To Remember

    | Nova Scotia, Canada |

    (I work in customer service, where tobacco products and lottery tickets are purchased.)

    Me: “Do you need any cigarettes or lotto with that today, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Excuse me?!”

    Me: “Do you need any cigarettes or lotto today?”

    Customer: “What do you mean by that?”

    Me: “…do you need to purchase any cigarettes or lotto today?”

    Customer: “But, what do you mean by that?”

    Me: “I mean…do you want to buy cigarettes or lotto today?”

    Customer: *blank stare* “What?”

    Me: “Do you know what cigarettes and lotto are?”

    Customer: *shakes head* “Um…” *confused look*

    (I explain to her what cigarettes and lotto are, then I ring the lady’s purchase in and put it in a bag. She punches in her number for her debit card but stops halfway through and looks at me.)

    Customer: “Aw crap, I forgot to buy my cigarettes.”

    Every Valet’s Dream Come True

    | Lake Tahoe, CA/NV, USA | Top

    (A man pulls into the parking lot with a beautiful 1972 Rolls Royce. As a general rule, when someone comes in with a car that nice I just let them park it themselves right up front. This conversation takes place as he is leaving the restaurant.)

    Customer: “I need you to pull my car around for me.”

    Me: “I never took the keys from you.”

    Customer: “The keys are in the ignition. Please go get my car.”

    Me: “Well, if you insist…”

    (I pull the car around VERY carefully.)

    Customer: “That was completely unacceptable. I want you to drive around again, only this time when you start off, do a burnout!”

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