Coworker: “Hello, sir. Are you looking for something?”
Customer: “I refuse to be helped by you. You’re Chinese. You’re another one of these darn immigrants stealing the honest Canadians’ jobs!”
Coworker: “Well, my grandmother is from Japan, but I assure you I was born in the province of Quebec.”
Customer: “Lies, lies, and lies!” *spots me* “Finally, a prime example of our good Canadian youth. Young sir, can you help me, please?”
Me: *in my New Brunswick accent* “Sure I can. What are you looking for?”
Customer: “What kind of accent is this? Are you German? Or Russian? Get me the manager! I don’t understand how a sane person could hire these instead of a hard working Canadian!”
Me: *grabbing the phone* “Calling Maria to front desk.”
Customer: “Maria!? That’s Latino!”
Customer: “I bought this heat gun a month and a half ago. I don’t have a receipt. I just want an exchange.”
Me: “You bought this a month and a half ago? About early June?”
Customer: “Yes. I just want an exchange.”
Me: *double checks computer* “Sir, we discontinued this almost a year ago. We sold our last one this past October.”
Customer: “Maybe it was a little longer than a month and a half…”
(I am the only representative in the Texas queue. I had spoken to this customer 15 minutes previously, before I went on break. He is my first call when I get back.)
Me: “Thank you for choosing [Phone Company]. How may I assist you today?”
Customer: “Aren’t you the one I talked to earlier?”
Me: *checking the account info* “Yes sir, I did speak to you earlier. Is there a problem?”
Customer: “You told me the technician would be out here on Monday. Well that’s not good enough! I need him out here right now!”
Me: “Sir, it’s 9 pm on Saturday evening. Our technicians go home at 7 pm and do not work on Sundays.”
Customer: “I don’t care, you get someone out tonight! I have a medical condition and if something happens to me while my phone is out, I’m calling my lawyer!”
Me: “Sir, I will be more than happy to send you the letter for a doctor to verify that you have a medical condition requiring your phone services to be on 24/7. Unfortunately, because the status is not currently on the account, I will not be able to get a call-out approved.”
Customer: “I don’t want your letter! I want my services back on! If something happens to me on the weekend and I die, you’ll be hearing from me!”
(I am scanning a customer’s order when I notice she is buying a $30 lip-gloss that is also being given away with a magazine).
Me: "Miss, if you’d like to buy [magazine] for $7.20, you get this exact lip-gloss free inside."
Customer: "But I don’t want the magazine. I just want the lip-gloss."
Me: "I understand, but even if you give the magazine away, you still get the lip-gloss for $7.20 and save $22.80."
Customer: "Do I look like a charity? I’m not going to give away a $7 magazine. Haven’t you heard of saving money?"
Me: "Well yes, what I’m saying is you can save money by buying the magazine–"
Customer: "Stop trying to rip me off and scan my lip-gloss!"
(I ring up her lip-gloss for $30 and she storms off. The next customer puts the same magazine on the counter.)
Next Customer: "I don’t want it either, but I have half a brain."
(I have to talk to many different dentists through the day. The old ones speak in a very old-fashioned Norwegian.)
Me: "[Company name] this is [my name]. How may I help you?"
Client: "Yes, you see, my customer just left, and I forgot to take a copy of his bill. Could you send me a new one?"
Me: "Sure miss, but I can see you live quite the distance from here, may I suggest calling the customer to get it back, or get the numbers? I am quite sure it’ll be easier for you."
Client: "But you don’t understand! He just left!"
Me: "I understand miss. I still believe it would be easier for you if you just called the customer though."
Client: "What part of ‘he just left’ is so hard to understand? He left!”
Me: "I see, I’m sorry if I bothered you with my opinions. I’m printing out a copy of the bill right as we speak, and it’ll be out by tomorrow at noon."
Client: "Good. That’s alright then.” *mumbles to herself* “…asking me to call his widow for the bill. Outrageous."
Me: "Widower? Excuse me miss, but is your customer dead?"
Client: "Oh, so now you get it, huh? I told you he left!"