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    Telepathic Temper Tantrum

    | New Jersey, USA | Top

    Caller: *on the phone* “HELLO?”

    Me: “Hello, ma’am! What can I help you with?”

    (There is a long silence)

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear that. Would you please repeat what you just said?”

    Caller: “HELLO?”

    Me: “…hello, ma’am. What can I help you with?”

    (Another long silence.)

    Caller: “WELL?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. I didn’t hear you again.”

    Caller: “That’s because I’m not speaking.”

    Me: “…”

    Caller: “I’m thinking my question. WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you need to speak out loud in order for me to help you.”

    Caller: “You mean with technology these days you can’t tell what I’m thinking?!”

    Me: “No, ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t.”

    Caller: “YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TELL WHAT I’M THINKING!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. If you’d like me to help you, you’ll just have to speak it out loud.”

    (Another minute of silence.)

    Caller: “I JUST MENTALLY CURSED YOU! BUT YOU WOULDN’T KNOW THAT, WOULD YOU?!” *hangs up*

    Mixing In Danger Costs Extra

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like vanilla ice cream with peanut butter cups mixed in, please.”

    Me: “OK, is that all for you?”

    Customer: “Yes, and just so you know, I’m allergic to peanuts. Can you make sure it’s nut-free?”

    Me: “Uh…you just ordered PEANUT butter cups for your ice cream…

    Customer: “I thought you guys could do allergy safe ice cream. The sign says you can make sure my food is allergy safe!”

    Me: “Well, yes…but you need to order food without peanuts in it first…”

    Working Smarter, Not Harder

    | Fairbanks, AK, USA |

    (I am a girl working the customer service counter. A male customer comes up with eerily direct eye contact.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “I would like books on seduction.”

    Me: “All right. If you follow me, I’ll show you to our relationship section.”

    (I walk him over to the section.)

    Customer: “I want books on seduction.”

    Me: “Well, here is ‘relationships’ and on the other side of the aisle are the more intimate books. So between those I believe you can find what you’re looking for.”

    Customer: “All right, I’ll look at these.”

    (I return to the customer service desk. The customer returns a few minutes later.)

    Me: “Anything else I can help you with?”

    Customer: “Do you have any books on hypnosis?”

    Me: “…”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    It’s A Perm, Not A Sperm

    | California, USA |

    Me: “[Beauty supply store], how can I help you?”

    Caller: *almost sobbing* “I need help! Do you know about permanent waves?”

    Me: “Yes, we carry a few different brands. Did you buy one here?”

    Caller: “No, I had one done by a friend. I don’t know where she bought it. I need to know…is it true that you can get pregnant if you have a perm while you’re on your period?”

    (At this point I’m hoping it’s a prank call. I try to keep my voice professional.)

    Me: “No, ma’am. A perm can’t cause that.”

    Caller: “Are you sure?”

    Me: “Yes, I am 100% positive having your hair permed can’t make you pregnant.”

    Caller: “Oh, thank God!” *hangs up*

    Guardian Of The Tubes And Protector Of The Google

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling [cable company], how can I–”

    Caller: “Yeah, I’ve heard all that already, sir, so I don’t need any more of your crap, okay?!”

    Me: “Okay sir, what can I do to–”

    Caller: “Look, buddy, my internet is down, and you need to get it up right now or I’m going to get your a** fired!”

    Me: “Sir, I want to get this problem resolved for you just as soon as possible, but you need to–”

    Caller: “I don’t need to do s***! That’s it! I want to speak to your supervisor. No, I want to speak to your supervisor’s supervisor! I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE MAYOR OF THE INTERNET!”

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