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    Deliver Us From Stupidity

    | Tempe, AZ, USA |

    Me: “Hi thank you for calling [pizza chain]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I ordered a pizza two hours ago and it still hasn’t arrived.”

    Me: “I am sorry about that, sir. Can I get your phone number? We can see what happened.”

    (The customer gives me the phone number.)

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, but it appears your order was placed for carryout.”

    Customer: “Oh, I don’t understand what that means.”

    Me: “Well, it means you need to actually come down to the store and pick it up.”

    Customer: “Oh, I thought it meant you would carry it out to me.”

    Me: “No sir, that would be delivery. Would you like me to switch it to delivery for you?

    Customer: “What does that mean?”

    Badly Signed

    | UK |

    Me: “Good afternoon you’re though to [phone company]. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’m trying to work an application on my phone and it’s asking me for a star sign, but you guys haven’t given me one.”

    Me: “We would not give you a star sign. Those are to do with the stars and when you were born.”

    Customer: “I didn’t sign up for that!”

    Me: “It’s not something to sign up for; it’s to do with the constellations around the date of your birth. For example, I am a Pisces.”

    Customer: “What am I then?”

    (I check online using the date of birth on record.)

    Me: “You are Aquarius the water bearer.”

    Customer: “Eh?”

    Me: “Your zodiac is Aquarius.”

    Customer: “My what?”

    Me: “Never mind. You are an Aquarius.”

    Customer: “So do I just put that into the phone then?”

    Me: “Give it a try!”

    Customer: “Will do! If I’m not an Aquarius, can I call back?”

    Saigon, And Thanks For The Memories

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for light weight shirts, I’m going on vacation!”

    Me: “Well, that’s very exciting. Where to?”

    Customer: “Vietnam. Haven’t been to that d*** place in over forty years!”

    Me: “Wow, sir. That must be quite a bit for you.”

    Customer: “You bet. At least I know I’ll only be shooting a camera this time!”

    Dummy Request

    | Fort Collins, CO, USA |

    (We have dummy displays set up of all the phones we sell.)

    Me: “Hello sir, can I help you with a new cell phone today?”

    Customer: “No. I’m just looking for a new battery for my phone.”

    Me: “Sorry, but we don’t carry batteries for cell phones. You might try the battery store across the street.”

    Customer: “How much to buy one of the displays?”

    Me: “Well those are just dummy phones.”

    Customer: “I know that. I just want to take the battery from it.”

    Even Vampires Don’t Want That ‘Blood’

    | Hayward, CA, USA |

    (This at the DVD release of the Twilight Movie, two men approach the desk. They are Caucasian.)

    Customer #1: “Hey lend me some money, I wanna buy this movie!”

    Customer #2: “Naw, get your own cash!”

    Customer #1: “C’mon, this movie got leprechauns!”

    Customer #2: “Dang, I ain’t gonna give you no cash!”

    Customer #1: “Man you spoozy!”

    (Customer #1 walks off, returns with Twilight.)

    Customer #1: “C’mon! It’s on sale! Jus’ lend me 20!”

    Customer #2: “Alright fine, take it.”

    Customer #1: *looking at me* “Eh man, know what this movie’s about?”

    Me: “Well–”

    Customer #2: *pointing at the characters on the cover* “This one’s a vampire, and this b**** don’t know ’bout it!”

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