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    Soggy Software

    | Mississippi, USA |

    (This call came in shortly after Hurricane Katrina.)

    Customer: “My computer isn’t working.”

    Me: “It’s not working, or your service isn’t working?”

    Customer: “My computer itself will not turn on.”

    Me: “Well, since it’s not a service-related problem, I can’t really help you with fixing it. When was the last time it worked?”

    Customer: “Well, we had to evacuate for a few days, and then we came back to clean up. I fished the computer out of the swimming pool and let it dry out, then got it hooked back up.”

    Me: “Yeah, that’s not gonna work.”

    Smile – You’re On Scam-Cam

    | Seattle, WA, USA |

    Me: Hi, welcome to ****. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’ve been waiting here for 15 minutes. I want everything here discounted.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I left here maybe two minutes ago, max, to check the fitting rooms.”

    Customer: “Are you calling me a liar?”

    Me: “In short, yes.”

    Customer: “Bull! Do you have any proof I wasn’t here earlier?!”

    (I point to the huge camera on the ceiling.)

    Customer: “…”

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I’ll shut up now.”

    Diagnostic Scan Results: Crisp & Buttery

    , | North Somerset, UK |

    (A customer walks in and places a box on the desk in our repairs center.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Can you fix this for me?”

    Me: *looking at box* “This is a toaster.”

    Customer: “Yes. Can you fix it? It’s broken.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we only fix computers and computer peripherals here.”

    Customer: “But if you can fix computers, surely you can fix a toaster!”

    Me: “We don’t fix toasters, sir.”

    Customer: “Please? I’m sure it’s easy.”

    Me: “Even if we could fix it for you, you don’t have a repair warantee with us, so it would cost you ¬£50 just for us to look at it. You could buy two new toasters for that.”

    Customer: “¬£50?! What a rip-off! If it’s going to cost me that much, I’ll go elsewhere!”

    Me: “Have you tried the store you bought it from?”

    Customer: “Yes, and they wouldn’t fix it!”

    Me: “So you thought a computer store would?”

    Customer: *takes the toaster and walks out in a huff*

    Always Right, Even If It’s Child Labor

    , | New York, NY, USA |

    (I’m a painfully shy 13-year-old, and a customer somehow mistook me for an employee.)

    Customer: “Can you help me find something?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “NO?!”

    Me: “No!”

    Customer: “Why not?!”

    Me: “… I’m not allowed to talk to strangers.”

    You Should Meet Mr. For Dummies

    | Simsbury, CT, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have any Feng Shui books?”

    Me: “Yes, let me show you where they are.”

    (I take woman to the Feng Shui section.)

    Customer: “Wow, she wrote a lot of books!”

    Me: “Who did?”

    Customer: “Miss Feng Shui.”

    Me: “Yes… yes she did.”


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