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    The Clothes Make The Manager

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Top

    (My brother is the manager of a grocery store. Important: they’ve recently switched uniforms from red to blue.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, can I get some help?”

    Brother: “Yes, is there something I can help you with?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for [competitors brand]. Why don’t you have it?”

    Brother: “It’s because only our competitor can sell that.”

    Customer: “That is bull****! I’ve been shopping here for 10 years and you’ve always had that!”

    Brother: “Ma’am, we’ve only been at this location for four years and we don’t sell our competitor’s brand.”

    Customer: “You are compleatly hopeless! I demand to speak to the manager!”

    Brother: “I am the manager, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Did you not hear me?! I want to talk to the M-A-N-A-G-E-R!”

    Brother: “Fine, just a sec. I’ll go fetch him.”

    (My brother walks in to the staff area, picks up an old red shirt from a box, puts it on, and walks out.)

    Brother: “Hello ma’am, how can I help you?”

    Customer: *calmly* “Finally. I want to know why you don’t have [competitors brand]?”

    Brother: “Because only our competitor can sell it.”

    Customer: “Oh? I guess I’ll have to go to their store, then. Thanks!”

    General Housekeeping

    | Edmond, OK, USA |

    (A hotel guest walks in with his significant other and approaches the front desk.)

    Me: “How can I help you?”

    Hotel guest: “You wouldn’t happen to have like, tarps and scalpels?”

    Me: “…No…sorry.”

    Hotel guest: “Worth a shot!” *returns to hotel room*

    Vampires Drink Blood, But It’s The Fans That Bite

    | New York, USA | Top

    (A customer in her late teens approaches me in the bookstore.)

    Customer: “Hey, do you guys sell the Twilight books?”

    Me: “Yes, they’re right over there.”

    Customer: “Have you read them?”

    Me: “Yes, I have.”

    Customer: “Didn’t you just LOVE them?!”

    Me: “Well, actually, they aren’t really my type of book, so–”

    Customer: *suddenly furious* “Are you f***ing serious?! These are the best books ever written! I’m going to tell Edward to come and bite you and drink all your blood!”

    Me: *backing away* “Have a nice day, ma’am…”

    That’s Not The Only Thing She Was Scared Out Of

    | Beaverton, OR, USA | Top

    Me: “Thank you for calling *hiccup!* how may I *hiccup!* help you?”

    Customer: *laughing* “Got a problem over there?”

    Me: “Sorry sir, *hiccup!*, I have the hiccups.”

    Customer: “Oh, OK, well…DO YOU WANT ME TO GO OVER THERE AND KILL YOU RIGHT NOW?!”

    Me: “Um…uh…I mean…”

    Customer: “Ha ha ha, I’m just kidding with you. I bet you don’t have the hiccups any more now, huh?”

    When Colloquialisms Meet Capitalism

    | Long Island, NY, USA |

    (I’ve just rung up a customer up for cigarettes.)

    Customer: “I’m gonna zip-zip it.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Zip-zip!”

    Me: “I don’t know what that means.”

    Customer: *getting annoyed* “I’m going to use my zip-zip card!”

    Customer’s Daughter: “Zip-zip? Gosh, Mom! It’s a credit card.”

    Me: “Oooh. You can slide that right over there.” *pointing to the card machine*

    Customer: “Which button do I press? It’s asking me to pick payment type.”

    Me: “…credit?”

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