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    Sometimes You Want To Go Where Everybody Has A Name

    | Pittsburgh, PA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ****. This is Bryan, may I have your account number?”

    Customer: “Bryan who?”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, for security purposes I’m unable to provide you with my last name. For reference I can provide you my ID number.”

    Customer: “That won’t do, you need to have a last name. I can’t speak to someone without a last name. Make one up please, for my sake.”

    Me: “…OK, for the purposes of this call my name is Bryan Jones.”

    Customer: “Thank you, Mr. Jones. I…”

    (My name isn’t Jones.)

    What A Lady, What A Night

    | New Port Richey, FL, USA | Top

    (I’m standing in line and overhear this conversation between a beautiful middle aged woman and the photo clerk.)

    Clerk: “… unfortunately, we are unable to print all of your photos. Some of them are in violation of a our content policy.”

    Customer: “I don’t understand. All I took pictures of was a trip to Busch Gardens and then my son’s birthday party. What could be so inappropriate?”

    Clerk: “Were you at some point singing karaoke?”

    (The customers face goes from confusion, to understanding, to embarrassment, and finally to barely controlled rage.)

    Customer: “I will be right back.”

    (The customer goes down the aisle and begins grabbing a few additional items.)

    Clerk, to me: “She was naked. Pretty hot for an older lady.”

    (The customer returns with her new items and makes a phone call while the clerk processes the transaction.)

    Customer: *sweetly on the phone* “Oh, honey, you have been working so hard and have been so good to me. I am making you an amazing dinner. Can you pick up some makings for some cocktails on the way home? I am going to give you a night you will never forget! Love you, bye!”

    (As she says this, I notice the new items she’s buying: a sports drink, anti-diarrhea medicine, and a giant bottle of contact lens solution–the latter of which can give people diarrhea. The clerk finishes the transaction and the customer gives us the most evil grin right before she walks out.)

    Clerk: “Hopefully, she won’t let him suffer too long…”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Why Our Contracts Are A Gazillion Pages Long

    , | Indiana, USA |

    Caller: “Hello, my cellphone bill is more than it is supposed to be.”

    Me: “Okay, I see that your bill is $4.00 more than normal. Let’s see why.”

    Caller: “You had better figure this out. I’m not going to pay it if you’re trying to screw me!”

    Me: “I see the problem, You actually called Canada.”

    Caller: “I have nationwide calling! I can call Canada if I want to.”

    Me: “Actually, if you have nationwide calling, you’re only okay in the United States.”

    Caller: “So? Canada is part of North America.”

    Me: “Yes, but not the United States…”

    Caller: “What about Colorado?”

    Me: “Yes, Colorado is okay.”

    Caller: “What about… Vietnam?”

    Me: “Umm, no, that would be a bit international.”

    Caller: “Fine! I’ll pay it this time, but maybe you guys should be a bit more clear on what your national service consists of!”

    Actually, He’s Only Friends With Dorothy

    | Ft. Worth, TX, USA |

    (While making a drink for my table, I overhear a woman approach my manager.)

    Customer: “You’re the manager, right?”

    Manager: “Yeah, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “One of your employees just said a very dirty word as that table over there!”

    Manager: “I’m terribly sorry, ma’am. What did they say?”

    Customer: *lowers her voice* “The “p” word.”

    Manager: “I’m very sorry. Who said it, now?”

    (The customer then points to an openly gay male employee, the store’s
    trainer.)

    Customer: “Him, right there. He was going on about his girlfriend’s hot… you know!”

    Manager: “Did he say ‘eww’ afterwards?”

    Rescued From A Life Of Deliciousness

    | Bristol, UK |

    Customer: “I want some of these coffee beans, but I want them as a powder.”

    Me: “Yes, we can grind them here for you if you like.”

    Customer: “But will it hurt the beans?”

    Me: “Well, it won’t affect the beans in any way – it will still be the same coffee, if that’s what you mean?”

    Customer: “No, I mean will it HURT the beans?”

    Me: “…well, they’re coffee beans, so I don’t think they can actually feel any pain…”

    Customer: “But you aren’t 100% sure on that…I think I’ll leave it, then.”

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