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    So Much For Buying American

    | Austin, TX, USA |

    Server: “That will come with potatoes,cottage cheese or fruit.”

    Customer: “What kind of fruit do you have?”

    Server: “We have grapes, oranges, bananas, pears or pineapple.”

    Customer: “Is your pineapple local?”

    Server: “Yes, sir. It is from the pineapple farm in Dallas.”

    Customer: *makes a sour face* “I’ll have the oranges…”

    Note From God: Waters & Land First, Then Creatures

    , | Devon, UK |

    Customer: “I would like a refund, I found all my fish that I bought from you two days ago dead this morning.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s fine. How old was the tank?”

    (As long as the customer has followed our advice, we can refund or replace any fish lost.)

    Customer: “A week.”

    Me: “Right, so you put the fish in two days ago? The tank had been running for a week prior to that with the filter on 24/7? And you had everything in the tank before you put the fish in?”

    Customer: “I did it just as you advised me to last week and everything was in the tank except the gravel, which I put in yesterday afternoon.”

    Me: “So you put the gravel into the tank when the fish were already in there?”

    Customer: “Yes. I would like those fish replaced, please.”

    (Note: pouring gravel on fish’s heads = bad idea. We did give her replacements, but these fish could not be refunded.)

    Thanks For (Almost) Nothing

    | Idaho Falls, ID, USA |

    (I’ve just activated a cable channel for a woman and was ending the call.)

    Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yeah, how much was it again?”

    Me: “It’s $4.01 a month, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Why $4.01? Why not just four dollars?”

    Me: ¬†”Well, ma’am, I only activate the channels, I don’t set the prices.”

    Customer: “Well that’s stupid. I don’t know if I want it anymore. It should only be four dollars.”

    Me: “Well, I can certainly put in a complaint for you.”

    Customer: “Yeah, you do that. ¬†And you take it off and I don’t want to pay that fee for taking it off. ¬†It should only be four dollars!”

    Me: “Look, ma’am, I’ll find twelve cents and mail it to you. That covers that one cent for a whole year. Can I have your address?”

    Customer: “Have a nice day!”

    (And then she hung up on me.)

    Fighting Ignorance With Ignorance

    , | St. Louis, MO, USA | Top

    (A customer walks up to the counter where we have LGBT books up for Pride month.)

    Customer: “What the h***! Why are you guys showing off all these hommasesual books?”

    Me: “Homma what?”

    Customer: “Hommasesual books… you know, dudes with other dudes and stuff. You should be ashamed.”

    Me: “I still don’t understand. I have no idea what a hommasesual is or ‘dudes with other dudes.’ I’m not sure what that means.”

    Customer: “Oh, you all are a bunch of f**s here!”

    Coworker: “What, you’re looking for bags?”

    Customer: *gets fed up and leaves*

    Literary Emergency

    | New Jersey, USA | Top

    (During a busy day right before Christmas, a woman comes up to my register, cutting the entire line, and slaps a gift card down on the counter.)

    Customer: “I need fifty dollars on this gift card.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there is a line and I’m afraid you’ll have to wait.”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Excuse me?” ‘

    Customer: “I’ve been waiting here before any of these people got here! I NEED THIS GIFT CARD NOW!”

    Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but I just can’t do that. You’ll have to wait like everyone else.”

    Customer: “Now you’re just pretending you didn’t see me just so you can be a little b**** and tell me no! I want to speak to your manager!”

    Me: “Ma’am, there’s no need to yell. I was busy with customers and didn’t see you standing there. I apologize for that, but I really must ask you to wait in line.”

    Customer: “NO! You little b****! You don’t understand! I am a nurse! This is for a patient!”

    Me: “My answer won’t change.”

    Customer: “This is for a patient! It’s Christmas! Don’t you have a f****** heart?! Where is your Christmas spirit?!”

    Me: “I’m Jewish.”

    Customer: “Put fifty dollars on this gift card before I get you fired! This is for a patient and he is dying! I need it now!”

    Me: “…if he’s dying, what the h*** is he going to do with a gift card?”

    (She stalked off angrily when she saw not only my manager, but the police coming towards her. By the way, I got a raise after that.)


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