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    Some People Can’t Handle The Power

    | Melbourne, Australia | Top

    Me: *on the phone* “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “My cable won’t stop changing channels.”

    (I walk the customer through a basic re-set.)

    Me: “Has that resolved the issue?”

    Customer: “No, it’s still changing channels.”

    Me: “OK, you’re just watching it and it’s just randomly changing channels by itself?”

    Customer: “Yes, when I press the channel up and down buttons on the remote, it keeps changing channels.”

    Me: “…that’s the purpose of the channel buttons.”

    Customer: “Well, how do I get it to stop changing channels?”

    Me: “Stop pressing the channel buttons.”

    Customer: *getting irritated* “But I want to press the channel buttons, but it won’t stop changing.”

    Me: “If you don’t want it to change, stop pressing the buttons.”

    Customer: “Oh…but how do I get it to stop?”

    Me: “Put your remote down and don’t touch it.”

    Customer: “That’s ridiculous, why would you have that button if it’s just going to change the channels?!”

    Och, A Communal Kilt

    | Toronto, ON, Canada | Top

    (I work at a Scottish import store that specializes in kilts. We mostly rent them out for weddings.)

    Me: “Okay, guys, you’re all fitted up. Everything will be ready for pick-up the Thursday before the wedding.”

    Customer: “Guys, you know what we have to do, right? We have to go commando! No wearing anything under the kilt!” *to me* “That’s the way to do it, right?”

    Me: “Well, gentlemen, we don’t have a policy on that one way or the other. Personally, though, before you decide, I’d advise you to take a moment and consider ALL the implications of the word…’rental.’”

    Customer: “What? But…oh…oh! Ewww!”

    The Greater Of Two Evils

    | Southend-on-Sea, UK |

    (A customer with a small child comes into our video game store and slams The Sims 2 down on the counter angrily.)

    Customer: “Someone bought my son this game for his birthday. It’s completely unsuitable! Far too many adult themes!”

    Me: “Well, provided you have the receipt, you can exchange it for a more suitable game if you’d like.”

    Customer: “Okay, can you show me some games my son would like? Remember, he is only eight!”

    Me: “Sure…”

    (I show her a variety of games that would be fine for that age group.)

    Customer: “What about this one?” *points to Grand Theft Auto: San

    Customer’s kid: “Yeah mum! I want that one!”

    Me: “Erm…I wouldn’t say that is a suitable replacement really…”

    Customer: “Well why not?”

    Me: “Well it’s about crime, and there are a lot of adult themes.”

    Customer: “But you can have sex and children in The Sims!”

    (I tried to convince her otherwise, but in the end she ended up buying GTA for her kid.)

    Ah, The Wonders Of Osmosis

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    (A customer comes in to discuss care of his elderly, very ill cat. We talk about keeping the cat warm and hydrated.)

    Customer: “So, I have this idea…I thought that if I put the cat in a bath, she’d stay warm and not be thirsty.”

    Me: “Well sir, I don’t think that that would be a good idea. She’ll get cold once you take her out of the bath. Also, putting her in water isn’t going to help her stay hydrated.”

    Customer: “You mean that if I’m thirsty and I take a bath, I’ll still be thirsty when I get out?”

    Me: “Yes, that is what I’m saying.”

    Taster’s Choice

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    (I was a customer at a store that engraves plaques, trophies, etc. and I witnessed this exchange.)

    Employee: *to another customer* “Hello, can I help you find anything?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for a specific plaque design.”

    Employee: “All right, what kind of design are you looking for?”

    Customer: “Uh…I don’t really remember what it looked like. But it tasted really bad.”

    Employee: “…let’s just look over here, shall we?”

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