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    Where There’s Smoke

    | Wales, UK | Uncategorized

    (I work at a fire alarm service company. I take a call from an exclusive boarding school.)

    Caller: “Your stupid fire system is going off again! It’s always doing this. We’re having an open day for parents, and this is going to ruin our reputation!”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that. Have you checked that there isn’t a fire?”

    Caller: “It’s always false alarms. Just tell me how to turn it off.”

    (I explain how to stop the alarm from sounding. However, it will only work if the detectors are no longer detecting a fire.)

    Caller: “It hasn’t worked. It’s still saying that there is a fire in the dormitory!”

    Me: “Have you checked the dormitory for fire?”

    Caller: “Stay on the line. I’ll check.”

    (The line goes silent for ten minutes, but I can hear background noise.)

    Caller: “The dormitory is on fire.” *click*

    The Hazards Of Playing In Water

    , | Florida, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello, sir. Welcome to [golf equipment store], how may I help you?”

    Customer: “Where can I find the swimming pool equipment?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We only manage golf equipment.”

    Customer: “Yeah, yeah, but where’s the stuff for the pool? I mean, like filters and those tube-y things that float.”

    Me: “Sir, we only sell golf equipment. Golf clubs, golf balls, and the like. We do not sell swimming pool equipment–only golf.”

    Customer: “What kind of golf store doesn’t have swimming pool stuff?!”

    It Must Have Been A New Moon

    | Melbourne, Australia | Uncategorized

    (This particular customer is a semi-regular who tends to loiter around the new age and paranormal sections. She has knee-length flowing blonde hair and is fond of hippyish clothing. Tonight, I notice her staring at me from a distance for a few minutes with a subtle, knowing smile.)

    Me: “Hello, how are you today? Would you like any help?”

    Customer: “Good, quite good. I don’t need any help, but can I just talk to you for a minute?”

    Me: “Sure. What would you like to talk about?”

    Customer: “You. I just have some questions about you. You work here quite a lot, don’t you? At night. I see you every night I come in.”

    Me: “Yes, I do tend to work here Thursday and Friday nights.”

    Customer: “I notice cause you’re so pretty. Such long dark hair and pale skin.”

    Me: “Umm, thanks.”

    Customer: “What’s your name?”

    Me: “It’s [my name].”

    Customer: “That’s a lovely name. A very old fashioned name. You don’t really hear it anymore.”

    (By this point, I’m getting confused as I didn’t think my name was that uncommon. I’m not sure what point she’s trying to make.)

    Customer: “What else do you do, other than working here?”

    Me: “I’m in my fourth year of uni. My major is Science, but I do some electives in Literature and History.”

    Customer: *smiles* “Ahhh. So you’re quite educated, as well.”

    Me: “I guess you could say that.”

    Customer: “Well, I had better not waste any more of your time. But I just want to tell you that I understand now, and I won’t tell anyone.”

    Me: “Ah, ok. About what?”

    Customer: “Your secret. That you are one of them. A vampire.”

    (The customer leaves while I just stand there confused.)

    Coworker: “What’s up?”

    Me: “I ****ing hate Twilight…”

    Giving Orders Vs. Just Ordering

    , | Watervliet, NY, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Can I take your order?”

    Customer: “HOT DOG!”

    (Pause.)

    Customer: “PLAIN!”

    (Pause.)

    Customer: “MILKSHAKE!”

    (Pause.)

    Customer: “STRAWBERRY!”

    (Pause.)

    Me: “What size milkshake would you like?”

    Customer: “STRAWBERRY!”

    (I just gave her a medium.)

    A-moooo-sing Customers

    | Cleveland, OH, USA | Top

    (I am on a school trip to a mall to help with pet adoption forms. A customer comes up.)

    Customer: “Gimme a f***ing dog!”

    Me: “Would you like an adoption form?”

    Customer: “I don’t care. I just want a dog! There’s one over there! Gimme it!”

    (I look to where he is pointing. A lady is walking a dog.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but that dog doesn’t belong to us.”

    Customer: “It’s because I’m [ethnicity that he clearly is not], isn’t it? ”

    (At this point, I realize that he is high.)

    Me: “Oh, that one is ours. Unfortunately, it is an evil space cow.”

    Customer: “Holy s***!” *runs off*

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