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    Willy Wonka Goes Bonkas

    | Newcastle, UK |

    (Our shop has a chocolate fountain which we fill up daily, to attract customers who can buy marshmallows to dip into it.)

    Customer: “So, where does the chocolate come from?”

    Me: “… sorry?”

    Customer: “The chocolate for the fountain thing. Where does it come from?”

    Me: “Well, we melt some chocolate, then fill–”

    Customer: “No, where does it COME from? Like the water pipes or something?”

    Me: “No we melt our own–”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me! I know you got a chocolate pipe plugged into that thing! How do you get one!? Where is your manager?”

    (After failing to convince them, the customer leaves angrily. It’s now a running joke in our shop to call the “National Chocolate System” whenever there is a problem.)

    The Devil Is Definitely In The Details

    | Decatur, AL, USA |

    Customer: “Where do y’all keep your pedophiles?”

    Me: “I beg your pardon?”

    Customer: “You know, PED-IH-FILES!”

    Me: “Um…”

    Customer: “Yeah, the pedophiles! They show it on TV… it’s where people trim their dog’s feet!”

    Me: “Oh, Pedi-PAWS. Right this way…”

    Dire Education

    , | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    (A student calls in to the tech support line for our college’s online student records system.)

    Student: “Yeah, I forgot my password, and the system is not accepting the information to set a new one.”

    Me: “Ok, let me see if I can try it. Can I have your name, DOB, and SSN?”

    Student: *gives me the info*

    Me: “Hmm, it doesn’t appear to work for me either.”

    (I look in our database for anything remotely close with his info, but nothing turns up.)

    Me: “Sir, it looks as though you are not in our system. Did you even apply to our college?”

    Student: “Yes! What kind of stupid question is that? I applied to [another university] over six months ago.”

    Me: “Sir, what city and state do you take classes at?”

    Student: “Omaha, Nebraska.”

    Me: “Yeah, our college is located in Missouri. I think you have the wrong college.”

    Student: “No, I think YOU have the wrong student!”

    Me: “You called us, remember?”

    Student: *click*

    No One Ever Said It Would Be Boring…

    | Peterborough, Ontario, Canada | Top

    (This happened on my first day of the job.)

    Me: “Welcome to [grocery store].”

    Customer: “Take off your glasses.”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “They’re all pink and red; I can’t see your eyes!”

    Me: “That’s because they’re tinted that way for a reason. Red increases contrast, and I’m photophobic.”

    Customer: “What? You’re afraid of light? D*** VAMPI–”

    Me: “–NO, no, no. It just means bright light hurts my eyes.”

    Customer: “All right, ring these up.”

    (Looking down, I notice he has bagged peaches. A LOT of them. As it’s my first day, I have to search for the code for them, and they lack a barcode.)

    Customer: “Well? They’re peaches.”

    Me: “I know, let me just–”

    Customer:Peaches! Come on, they’re peaches. Just ring them up.”

    Me: “Sorry, just a moment.” *grabbing phone* “What’s the code for–”

    Customer: “THESE. ARE. PEACCHEESSSS!”

    (He grabs one of the bags of peaches, swings it around until it TEARS open and peaches go flying everywhere, then he runs out of the store.)

    Coworker: *on the phone* “Aha, so you met the peaches guy on your first day? I remember my first time meeting him…”

    Me: “…”

    Bilingual Secret Shame

    | Massachusetts, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, what are diaper couches?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Customer: “Diaper couches.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not sure what you mean.”

    Customer: *points to the boxes of diapers* “That box! It says ‘diaper couches’.”

    Me: *suddenly understanding* “Ma’am, that box says diapers, and then it says ‘couches’. That’s the French word for diapers.”

    Customer: *looks around, then whispers* “Don’t tell anyone!” *leaves*

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