Brand Spankin’ New Employee

| Richfield, MN, USA | At The Checkout, Uncategorized

(This is my first job. A customer walks up to my register to check out his items. However, my register is malfunctioning and I can not scan more than 15 items.)

Customer: “Hello there, young’un. Just these for me today.”

Me: “I do apologize sir, but I cannot scan more than 15 items today.”

(I turn my head to see if there is another register open when I feel a hard pull on my collar. Suddenly, the customer pulls me over the register.)

Customer: “I’ll teach you to disrespect your elders!”

(He starts spanking me with his cane right by my aisle in view of my manager.)

Manager: “I’d stop this, but it is really entertaining.”

Never Heard Of Sausage Idiot

| England, UK | Uncategorized

Me: “Can I help?”

Customer: “I want a refund on this instant barbecue. It’s no good.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that, sir. What’s the problem?”

Customer: “The picture on the front shows meat on the grill, but there’s no meat inside this box.”

(I am dumbfounded, but I don’t argue. The shop has a ‘no-quibble’ returns policy.)

Me: “Well, I can refund that for you sir. Do you have a receipt?”

(The customer hands over receipt.)

Me: “I can see you bought three of these barbecues, sir. Where are the other two?”

Customer: “At home in the freezer.”

It’s Curtains For You

| CA, USA | Uncategorized

(I am walking the store. I see a woman digging through our curtain panels.)

Me: “Can I help you find something?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for more of these curtains. You had them the other day, and I came back today to buy them.”

(She shows me a curtain. I realize she’s in the wrong section.)

Me: “Oh, okay. Those are actually over here.”

(I lead her over to where the panels should be, but the space is empty.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it looks like we’re out of stock. I can check the computer to be sure, but it looks like somebody else bought them.”

Customer: “No, nobody could have bought them.”

(She goes back to digging through the shelves.)

Me: “They wouldn’t be over there, though. If we had them in stock, they would be right here.”

Customer: “No, they wouldn’t. The other day when I was in here I hid them so no one else would buy them.”

Me: “You hid the panels?”

Customer: “Yes. So, can you help me find them?”

A Need To Be Lifted

| MD, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “This undergarment style has been discontinued. These are the last two.”

Customer: “You only have two?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “You’re telling me that until Jesus comes, these are the only bras I can wear?!”

Me: “…yes.”

Cows Live Off The Fat Of The Land

| Birmingham, England, UK | Uncategorized

Customer: “Can you tell me which milk is full fat, please?”

Me: “Of course. It’s this one with the blue lid.”

Customer: “But that says 4%. I don’t want 4%. I want full fat.”

Me: “The 4% means that 4% of the milk is fat, which is all of the fat milk has in it to begin with.”

Customer: “But I want full fat milk, not 4%.”

Me: “If it was 100%, then it would just be a bottle of fat, sir.”

Customer: “I don’t understand all this new healthy stuff…”

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