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    Endangered With Comb-Overs

    | Washington, DC, USA |

    (A man walks up to me with his son while I’m tending the Bird section.)

    Man: “Excuse me, what are those birds?”

    Me: “They’re bald eagles.”

    Man: “Well, that’s just so g**d**n cheap! Our nation’s capital, and we can’t even afford young eagles!”

    Me: “Sir, that eagle isn’t very old at all. Eagles have a life span of–”

    Man: “Don’t give me any excuses! I know they’re old! They’re bald! You only get bald when you’re old!”

    Man’s son: “Yeah, just like you Dad!”

    Man: “NOT ANOTHER WORD! WE’RE OUT OF HERE!”

    (Apparently, on his way out he had complained about the same thing to three zookeepers, and all three of them just laughed.)

    Delicious, Perhaps Not So Nutritious

    | Santa Cruz, CA, USA |

    (A blond freshman girl comes in with a few of her friends.)

    Customer: “Oh my gosh! You guys are out of oranges!”

    Me: “Yeah, sorry. But we have apples and bananas, and orange juice.”

    Customer: “No! Your guys’ apples suck! And I’m going on a HIKE; I need an orange!”

    Me: “Well…”

    Customer: “No, no it’s OK. I understand.”

    (She suddenly notices a display of baked goods next to her.)

    Customer: “Oh my gosh, are those chocolate cupcakes vegan?”

    Me: “Yeah, I think so. I can check.”

    Customer: “Well, I just want to know if it’s healthy. You know, vegan equals healthy.”

    Me: “…it’s a cupcake.”

    (She stares at the expression on my face for a second, and then walks out.)

    Best Idea I’ve Heard All Day

    | Auckland, NZ |

    (The receptionist at our computer repair store was handling a customer at the front desk.)

    Customer: “Can you fix my laptop screen? There’s a big black mark on it.”

    (The customer opens the laptop to show a cracked screen.)

    Receptionist: “How did that happen?”

    Customer: “I closed it, but there was a beer bottle lid inside. It went weird after that.”

    Receptionist: “We can repair it for you, but it will cost approximately $1,000 as this is physical damage and not covered by warranty.”

    Customer: “I am not paying $1,000 to repair a stupid laptop! You are trying to rip me off, you little b****! It’s under warranty, I know my rights!”

    Receptionist: “I am sorry, sir, but we cannot replace the LCD under warranty and you will have to pay for it yourself if you want it replaced.”

    Customer: “I’m not paying, so you can go f*** yourself!”

    Receptionist: “That’s the best idea I have heard all day, thanks! I’ll go do that right now.”

    (The receptionist goes around corner and into back room.)

    Customer: “What the f***?!” *leaves, slamming door*

    Receptionist: “Is he gone?”

    Manager: “Yes, are you finished?”

    Speak For Yourself, Part 3

    , | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me.”

    Me: “Yes, may I help you?”

    Customer:“What is this?”

    Me: “A t-shirt.”

    Customer: “Who’s the d*** picture of?”

    Me: “That’s Grizzly Adams, sir.”

    Customer: “No, it’s Charles Manson! How can you sell this in your shop? It’s disgusting!”

    Me: “It’s not my shop.”

    Customer: “You work here, why don’t you find a real job that doesn’t promote murderers and killing!”

    (The customer hands me a card: “Bill ***, Army Recruiter.”)

    Related:
    Speak For Yourself, Part 2
    Speak For Yourself

    Speechless

    | Winnipeg, Canada |

    (To start off, I’m male, as is my customer.)

    Me: “Alright, one medium latte, less hot. Anything else for you today, sir?”

    Customer: Don’t make it too hot! If you make it too hot, I’ll spank you, and you’re going to like it!

    Me: “…”

    Customer: “I’m so hungry, I going to go home and stick something in my mouth, and I don’t care what it is!”

    Me: “…”


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