She’s Nuts About Her Husband

| North Carolina, USA | Food & Drink, Health & Body

Customer: “Do these cookies contain nuts?”

Me: “Which cookie are you thinking about?”

Customer: “The toffee nut cookies.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, they contain brazil nuts.”

Customer: “I’ll take one.”

(After a few minutes, the customer returns.)

Customer: “What kind of nuts do those cookies contain?”

Me: “Ma’am, they contain brazil nuts.”

Customer: “Oh, my husband is deathly allergic to those.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can call 911 or direct you to the nearest hospital.”

Customer: “Oh, I know where it is, but first, I want to get a sandwich to go…”

Related:
Through Joy And Sorrow, Sickness And Health Insurance

A Job Well Blown

| Bowling Green, KY, USA | Rude & Risque

(Our store has just installed new, more powerful hand dryers in the restrooms. I am using one when a customer comes up behind me.)

Customer: “These things give pretty powerful blow jobs, huh?”

Me: “Yeah, never heard that before.”

Customer: “I need a good blow job like that!”

Me: *hurriedly leaves the restroom*

Related:
Too Much Information, Part 6
Way, Way, Way Too Much Information
Way, Way Too Much Information

Faster And Furiouser

| Thomson, GA, USA | At The Checkout

(My register has gone down and I am in the process of getting someone to come and fix it. In the meantime, a man marches up to me with three things in his arms.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. My register is down.”

Customer: “What is this crap? You’re the only speedy checkout open! I want to get out of here in a hurry!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I’m waiting for someone to fix my register.”

Customer: “Why don’t YOU fix your register!?”

(I stay silent as he continues to rant.)

Customer: “I need to get the h*** out of this place!”

Me: “Sir, why don’t you go to the register next to me? She is open.”

(The customer looks over at the register, which isn’t a speedy checkout, and snaps at me again.)

Customer: “Why would I go there?! It isn’t even a speedy checkout!”

(I look over again. There is no one in line.)

Me: “Sir, she doesn’t have anyone in line–”

Customer: “Forget it! You can put that s*** back!”

(He throws the stuff onto my register and storms out.)

H 2 Oh No You Didn’t

| Arroyo Grande, CA, USA | Movies & TV

(Two older customers walk up to the concession line and order popcorn.)

Me: “Hi, can I get any drinks started for you today?”

Customer: “A water please.”

Me: “Would you like a complimentary cup or a bottle?”

Customer: “Can you not f***ing listen? I want a water!”

Me: “Yes, sir, we have both a free cup of water and a water bottle for purchase. Which would you like?”

Customer: “Of course I want a f***ing water bottle!”

Me: “Okay. Would you like a large or small bottle?”

(The customer looks to his friend like I’m an idiot and goes on about how I cannot listen.)

Customer: “Can you not hear? I want a f***ing bottle, not a cup!”

Me: “I understand this, sir, but we have both a large and a small water bottle. What size of water bottle would you like?”

(The customer looks to his friend and throws up his hands. His friend explains to him that there are two sizes.)

Customer: “Just get me the large!”

(I hand him his large water.)

Customer: “Oh, and one more thing…learn to listen!”

Feeder Mice Not Included

| Chicago, IL, USA | Technology

Me: “[Company] tech support, how may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’ve got a problem. Your program is telling me to get a pet snake. I don’t want one.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “It’s giving me a message telling me I need a snake to run it.”

Me: “Read the message to me please.”

Caller: “Error: Python required to run script.”

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