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    When They’re Right, They’re Right

    | Richmond, VA, USa |

    (We’re helping a customer inside our gas station. Suddenly, a Camaro peels off out of the parking lot, squealing its tires.)

    Customer: *yells* “Okay! We get it! You have a small penis!”

    Playing Hide And Don’t Seek

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    Bookstore customer: “Do you have the CD, Lord Lift Our Voices Up On High, Volume 11?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t have it. We do have Volumes 9 and 10. I can show you where they are.”

    Customer: “No, no, I already have those. I like them. Do you have God Loves America, Volume 12?”

    Me: “Let me check… yes! We have that one. I can show you.”

    Customer: “Do you have God Loves America, Volume 11?”

    Me: “Yes. I can show–”

    Customer: “Do you have God Loves America, Volume 10?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer:Volume 9?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    (This continues until we get to Volume 3.)

    Me: “Would you like to know about Volumes 1 and 2?”

    Customer: “No, I have those. I like them. Have you heard them?”

    Me: “No… so, let me just get these CDs for you.”

    Customer: “No thanks.”

    (I’ve been helping her for nearly 20 minutes, and suspect she has mental issues; thankfully, she goes away. Ten minutes later, I hear the same customer speak up loudly behind me.)

    Customer: “Well, I don’t want to go to the doctor tomorrow, but they tell me I have to.”

    Me: “Oh, uh, ehrm… yeah?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Colonoscopy. I don’t want to, but they have to find out where the bleeding’s coming from.”

    Me: *whimpers*

    (At this point, I leave the music department and hide between the far right security sensor and a book display just outside it. The store manager walks by and sees me.)

    Manager: “What are you doing?”

    Me: “Hiding from a customer who was telling me about her upcoming colonoscopy! She says they have to find out where the bleeding’s coming from!”

    Manager: “You can stay.”

    They Grow Up So Fast

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “I’d like two tickets for [movie], please.”

    Coworker: “That movie is rated R. Can I see your ID?”

    Customer: *shows an ID that states she is 18*

    Coworker: “You need to be 21 in order to purchase an R-rated ticket for someone else.”

    Customer: “But it’s for my son!”

    Coworker: “How old is your son?”

    Customer: “16…”

    Coworker: “So you’re 18… and you have a 16 year old son?”

    Customer: “That’s right!”

    Coworker: “Let me get my manager…”

    Manager: “Ma’am, you need to be 21 to purchase a ticket for a minor.”

    Customer: “But he’s my son!”

    Manager: “You’re telling me you gave birth when you were two years old?”

    Customer: “YES! It happens, I promise you!”

    Why Don’t You Call The Cops On ‘Em

    | Zephyrhills, FL USA |

    (The number to our police department is only one digit off from a doctor’s office, so we often get wrong numbers.)

    Me: “Police Department.”

    Caller: “My doctor wrote a prescription for me for an X-ray and I need to make an appointment.”

    Me: “Okay, and how can the police department help you?”

    Caller: “Police department?! I was calling Dr. ***’s office! How DARE you answer his phone!”

    Permission To Abuse, Denied

    | St. John's, NL, Canada |

    (I’m trying to organize curtains, shams, valances, etc., when a customer approaches me.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, do you work here?”

    Me: “I certainly do, can I help you with anything?”

    Customer: *snotty* “Yeah, can you get out of my way, please?”

    Me: “…”

    Customer, to his wife: “I can say that to her because she works here!”


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