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    Diagnostic Scan Results: Crisp & Buttery

    , | North Somerset, UK |

    (A customer walks in and places a box on the desk in our repairs center.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you, sir?”

    Customer: “Can you fix this for me?”

    Me: *looking at box* “This is a toaster.”

    Customer: “Yes. Can you fix it? It’s broken.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we only fix computers and computer peripherals here.”

    Customer: “But if you can fix computers, surely you can fix a toaster!”

    Me: “We don’t fix toasters, sir.”

    Customer: “Please? I’m sure it’s easy.”

    Me: “Even if we could fix it for you, you don’t have a repair warantee with us, so it would cost you ¬£50 just for us to look at it. You could buy two new toasters for that.”

    Customer: “¬£50?! What a rip-off! If it’s going to cost me that much, I’ll go elsewhere!”

    Me: “Have you tried the store you bought it from?”

    Customer: “Yes, and they wouldn’t fix it!”

    Me: “So you thought a computer store would?”

    Customer: *takes the toaster and walks out in a huff*

    Always Right, Even If It’s Child Labor

    , | New York, NY, USA |

    (I’m a painfully shy 13-year-old, and a customer somehow mistook me for an employee.)

    Customer: “Can you help me find something?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer: “NO?!”

    Me: “No!”

    Customer: “Why not?!”

    Me: “… I’m not allowed to talk to strangers.”

    You Should Meet Mr. For Dummies

    | Simsbury, CT, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have any Feng Shui books?”

    Me: “Yes, let me show you where they are.”

    (I take woman to the Feng Shui section.)

    Customer: “Wow, she wrote a lot of books!”

    Me: “Who did?”

    Customer: “Miss Feng Shui.”

    Me: “Yes… yes she did.”

    And Miles To Go Before I Seek New Employment

    | San Francisco, CA, USA |

    Agent: “I sent in the paperwork over a week ago. Why hasn’t this been processed?”

    Me: *looking up record* “I don’t see that we’ve received it. What address did you send it to?”

    (The agent gives an address in Los Angeles of a company with a similar name we are not affiliated with.)

    Me: “Our office is located in San Francisco. We’re not actually affiliated with the company in L.A.”

    Agent: “Well, what do we do now?”

    Me: “It’s possible that they’ll forward it to our address which is printed on the paperwork, but the fastest way would be for you to submit a new form.”

    Agent: “Can’t you just drive over there and get it?”

    Me: “Well, no sir. It’s in L.A. and we’re in San Francisco.”

    Agent: “So?”

    Me: “It’s at the opposite end of the state.”

    Agent: “You can’t just go get it?”

    Me: “San Francisco is not near L.A.”

    Agent: *angrily* “Well, how far is it?”

    Me: “About 400 miles.”

    Agent: “…”

    Me: “It would take about 9 hours in each direction.”

    Agent: “You aren’t being very helpful.”

    Watch For Grease Stains In The Concord

    , | Rohnert Park, CA, USA |

    Me: “Hello, this is **** Pizza. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a medium cheese pizza and a 2-liter of Sierra Mist, please.”

    Me: “All right, that’ll be $**.**. Would you like to come pick it up or have us deliver it?”

    Customer: “Delivery, please. My address is…” *lists a house in Philadelphia* “Would you be able to get it here in about thirty minutes?

    Me: “Uh, sir, we’re in California, and we don’t deliver to Philadelphia. Especially not in thirty minutes.”

    Customer: “Oh, well, on your website it said you deliver in thirty minutes or less.”

    Me: “Yes, locally. Not to Philadelphia.”

    Customer: “Oh, well. Uh, thanks anyways.”

    Me: “Have a nice day, sir.”


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