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  • A Caffeinated Christmas Miracle
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  • Time Is Money

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    (A distressed older gentleman approached me, after having used the self-service copy machines.)

    Customer: “I only made 4 copies in black and white and it’s charging me $19.50!”

    Me: “Hmm, that’s a bit odd. Did you take your credit card out already, sir?”

    Customer: “Yes! And it started charging me!”

    Me: “Wait. It shouldn’t be doing something like that…”

    Customer: “It is!”

    (We walk over to the copy machine in question.)

    Customer: *points* “See? It’s even going up to $19.53!”

    (One quick glance and I instantly know what’s wrong.)

    Me: “Sir, that is the clock.”

    Customer: “What?!”

    Me: “Once you eject your card, it goes to the clock, and our card readers they’re set to 24-hour time.”

    Customer: “Ooohhh! Thank you!”

    Watch The Fur Fly

    | Concord, CA, USA |

    (We recently stocked realistic-looking toy puppies and kittens in our gift store that are posed as though they’re asleep.)

    Customer #1: “I just want you to know that your business is sick and disgusting! Any company that displays dead animals in their front window deserves to be shut down!”

    Me: “Dead animals, ma’am? We don’t sell real animals, live or dead. We’re primarily a card store.”

    Customer #1: “You have dead dogs and cats in your front window!”

    Me: “Oh, those aren’t real ma’am. They’re toys. They don’t even have real fur; they’re 100% fake.”

    Customer #1: “They look real, and they look like they’re dead! What kind of sick individual would buy something like that?!”

    (Right on cue, a teenage customer comes up with two puppies and a kitten.)

    Customer #2: “Oh my gawd! They’re so cute! I’m buying three!”

    Customer #1: “You are not bringing those dead things into my house!”

    Customer #2: “I guess I found a way to keep you from snooping into my room, huh, mom?”

    As Easy As (Bench) Pressing A Button

    | Norway, Oslo |

    (Note: We sell mobile terminals for warehouses and delivery firms.)

    Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “My terminal has gone into a freeze.”

    Me: “You can try restarting it.”

    Caller: “How do I do that?”

    Me: “You press and hold 1, 9 and the power button, and then you release.”

    Caller: *sound of terminal hitting the floor*

    And They Wonder Why Their Pizza Is Cold

    | Silverdale, WA, USA |

    Customer: “One of your pizza delivery drivers in a blue Mini needs to be turned into the police for passing me so irresponsibly! If I ever see that car with your sign on it again, I will sue you for endangering lives by hiring his kind!”

    Manager: “What road were you on?”

    Customer: “I was on state route 303. He must have been going at least 20 mph faster than me!”

    Manager: “I see. And how fast were you going?”

    Customer: “I was going 35 mph because my car cannot go fast up that hill. I want him fired now!”

    Manager: “Well, ma’am, I will certainly talk to him, but that section of road is clearly marked 55 mph. I’m failing to see the problem.”

    Customer: “The problem is that he passed me! Any business that has drivers knows that the rudest thing to do on the road is pass any other vehicles!”

    What Happens In Vegas

    | San Antonio, TX, USA | Technology

    (A customer calls in, unable to connect to wireless internet. I have her navigate to the connection screen.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. Do you see the name of your wireless network in the list of available networks?”

    Customer: “I don’t know which one is mine.”

    (I proceed to authenticate the customer and provide the name of her network.)

    Customer: “No, I don’t see that listed.”

    Me: “It’s possible that your router glitched. I’m going to have you go ahead and power it down.”

    Customer: “What’s that?”

    Me: “It’s the main box that we install in your home when we set up service. It broadcasts the wireless signal. We’re going to reset it and see if your signal comes back.”

    Customer: “I can’t do that?”

    Me: “Is it out of reach?”

    Customer: “No, I’m at a friend’s house.”

    Me: “Ma’am, where are you located at right now?”

    Customer: “Las Vegas.”

    Me: And where is your router located?

    Customer: “Fort Worth…”

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