Not Remotely Interested

| IL, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, sir. Can I help you?”

Customer: “Well, I’m looking for one of those video tape players.”

Me: “Oh, a VCR?”

Customer: *confused* “No, one of those video tape players.”

Me: “Yes, sir. They are called VCR’s. They’re a bit ancient now, but we have one used for cheap. It doesn’t come with it’s manual or remote, if that’s okay with you?”

Customer: “Well, no. That’s not going to work for me. How am I supposed to work your magic box without instructions?”

How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse, Part 2

| Amherst, MA, USA | Top

(The following written exchange takes place in a log book where users report problems with computers.)

User: “The mouse pointer on computer five doesn’t work. Please fix it.”

Me: “Hello [user]. I was unable to reproduce the problem. The mouse on computer five is working fine.”

User: “Are you insane? The pointer hardly budges when you move the mouse. Fix it, nerd.”

Me: “Sorry but I’m still unable to find any problems with the mouse on PC 5. I cleaned it as a precaution.”

User: “This is stupid. That mouse still doesn’t work! I’ve come here three times and I can’t use the stupid computer. I can’t believe they pay idiots like you to work here. Get a new mouse!”

Me: “Hi. I still can’t find any problems, but I replaced the mouse on computer 5 just for you. Try it now.”

User: “It’s still not working, but forget it. I’m meeting a professor here tomorrow to look at the mouse. I want him to read this and see what kind of idiot is working here.”

Professor: “The problem with Computer 5 is resolved. The user was picking up the mouse and aiming it at the screen. I showed him how to use the mouse pad. Keep up the good work!”

Related:
How To Make Them As Silent As A Mouse

You’ll Find That In The Aisle Of Non-Existence

| Marietta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

(I work in the electronics department.)

Me: “Hello. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m looking for a cable for my computer.”

Me: “What type of cable did you need?”

Customer: “Ethereal.”

Me: “Um, you mean for internet? An ethernet cable?”

Customer: “It’s for internet, but it’s not ethernet. It’s ethereal.”

Me: “Maybe it’s CAT5 cable you need?”

Customer: “No. I said I need ethereal cable.”

Me: “Well, sir. Let me show you what we have.”

(I take him to the ethernet cables.)

Customer: “No, these are much too big. It’s a smaller cable than this.”

Me: “Are you connecting from a phone wall jack, or from a cable or DSL modem?”

Customer: “I have a box, a modem, but this isn’t ethereal cable.”

Me: “No, sir. It’s CAT5 ethernet cable. It will run from your modem to the LAN port on your computer. I’m pretty confident that this is the cable you need to use.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t know. It isn’t ethereal.”

Money Makes The World Go Round A Lot Slower These Days

| IL, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “Do you give cash for games?”

Me: “Yes, what games would you like to trade?”

(The customer lists several games. I give the respective values. The customer then looks at me impatiently for a few minutes.)

Customer: “Oh, so do I need to bring them with me? Or can I just get cash now?”

Land Of The Free Anti-Virus

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Uncategorized

(I’m selling a computer to a customer and we include free anti-virus.)

Me: “This computer actually has 6 months of anti-virus installed on it.”

Customer: “Oh, great! What brand is it?”

(I name the brand of antivirus software.)

Customer: “Oh, never mind. I don’t want the computer anymore.”

Me: “Is there a problem with the antivirus or computer?”

Customer: “I don’t want that antivirus on my computer. It was made outside of America. They are going to steal my information.”

Me: “Ma’am, that is very unlikely. If you want, we can uninstall it for you and replace it with a different brand.”

Customer: “It’s too late. It’s already tainted.”

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