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    Eggs Aren’t The Only Things Getting Beaten

    | Naperville, IL, USA | Uncategorized

    (My restaurant has a deal. If the lunch time food takes longer than 15 minutes to deliver to the table, the meal is free. I explain the concept to a table of three customers.)

    Me: “If I don’t have that food out for you in 15 minutes, you guys don’t have to pay for lunch!”

    Customer: “Wait. If you take too long and we don’t have to pay, does the price of the food come out of your salary?”

    Me: *jokingly* “Oh, no, but my managers do take me outback and beat me.”

    Customer: *pauses* “Can I watch?”

    If You’re Rude, You Get Screwed

    | Berlin, Germany | Top

    (I am serving a customer. He appears to be trying to impress his girlfriend.)

    Customer: “This wine is corked!”

    Me: “No, sir. It’s not corked.”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! How dare you? A simple server should never say I’m lying! I want to speak to the manager!”

    Manager: “What seems to be the problem, sir?”

    Customer: “This wine is corked, and this guy is calling me a liar!”

    Manager, to me: “How can you be so sure his wine is not corked?”

    Me: “The bottle had a screw cap.”

    His Logic Has More Than Meets The Eye

    | Perth, Australia | Uncategorized

    (A customer walks in with a pair of glasses.)

    Me: “Hi. How can I help you today, sir?”

    Customer: “Do you mind pushing the lenses out of this frame for me? My wife wants just the frame for her lab work. She would like to use them as safety glasses.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. The frame would be useless if I pushed the lenses out.”

    Customer: “No. She’s going to use them as safety glasses in the lab.”

    Me: “Are you sure, sir? It wouldn’t meet the standard of safety glasses if it doesn’t have any lenses.”

    Customer: “Yes! I’m 100% sure that they will work as safety glasses without any lenses.”

    (I remove the lenses for him.)

    Me: “Okay. If something was going to fling into her face, whatwould protect her eyes?”

    Customer: “These safety glasses!”

    State Of The Toilets Have Been Far Purse

    | VA, USA | Uncategorized

    Female guest: “Excuse me. Can you tell the boys to stop peeing in the purse holders?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Female guest: “In the port-a-potties. Can you tell the boys to stop peeing in the purse holder?”

    Me: “Do you mean the urinals?”

    Some Customers Can Make You See Red

    | Tampa, FL, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “I am highly dissatisfied with the support I have received so far. I expressly asked for a red system. This is silver.”

    Me: “Sir, this is technical support.”

    Customer: “I know it is! My system is supposed to be red!”

    Me: “Did you order it red?”

    Customer: “The sales person didn’t tell me different colors were available.”

    Me: “You should probably talk to sales. I can transfer you.”

    Customer: “Is this the kind of support you guys offer? I have a problem here.”

    Me: “Sir, is you computer functioning?”

    Customer: “I’m sorry?”

    Me: “Does your computer turn on?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Does it connect to the internet?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Do all of your programs load?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “From a technical stand point, is there anything wrong with your system?”

    Customer: “Technically, it’s not red.”

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