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    Feeling Pooped

    | Milwaukee, WI, USA | Health & Body, Rude & Risque, Uncategorized

    (A couple approaches the counter.)

    Me: “Can I help?”

    Customer: “Yes, can you give me advice about his stool?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t give medical advice. Perhaps you’d like to speak to our pharmacist, or consult your doctor?”

    Customer: “No, I’m sure they’re very busy. I just want someone to tell me if it’s normal.”

    Me: “The law says I can’t give advice. Let me get the pharmacist.”

    Customer: “No, really, I have some here.” *whips out a clear bag of poo on the counter* “See, it’s all gritty. That’s not normal, is it? Do you have pills for that?”

    Me: “Ma’am, you might want to take that to your doctor. We can’t accept biological waste.”

    Customer: *to her husband* “See, Joe, I told you it was wrong. That’s why I save them.”

    No Pancakes? How Waffle!

    | Springfield, MO, USA | Food & Drink, Uncategorized

    Me: “Hi, thanks for choosing [name of restaurant]. What can I get for you today?”

    Customer: “You guys serve breakfast all day?”

    Me: “Yes sir.”

    Customer: “Do you serve pancakes?”

    Me: “No, sir. Just waffles.”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t like waffles. Can you just make this one exception?”

    Me: “Well, sir I can’t go against code and grill you up a regular pancake but I’ll tell you what: I can make you a pancake with these awesome little holes used to trap syrup on top so it cant escape off the side.”

    Customer: “Really!? You would do that for me? I’ll take two!”

    If At First You Don’t Succeed, Thai Again

    | Ontario, CA | Hotels & Lodging, Language & Words, Uncategorized

    Guest: “Kamsamnida!”

    Me: “Excuse me sir?”

    Guest: “Did I not pronounce that right? Kamsamnida! It means ‘thank you’ doesn’t it?”

    Me: “Oh! I’m sorry, I’m Taiwanese, not Korean.”

    Guest: “Oh! I’m so sorry! Wow! Taiwanese eh? Is Thai food good? I’ve always wanted to try Thai food! Teach me how to say ‘Thank you’ in Thai?”

    Related:
    If At First You Don’t Succeed, Chai Again

    Testing Plugs And Patience

    | Anchorage, AK, USA | Technology, Uncategorized

    (Several of our customers recently experienced an internet outage and needed to reset their equipment to get back online.)

    Me: “You’ll just need to unplug your modem, wait a few seconds, plug it back in, and then wait for all the lights to come on. Once they’re all on, you’ll be back online. If that doesn’t work, call me back.”

    Customer: “Okay, that sounds simple enough.”

    (A few minutes later…)

    Customer: “I just spoke with you. It’s still not working!”

    Me: “I apologize, let’s take a look. Have you reset the modem already?”

    Customer: “Yes! I need you to fix this. I need the internet now!”

    Me: “Of course. Are all the lights on the modem lit up?”

    Customer: “No!”

    Me: “How long ago did you reset your modem, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Just now, after I called you back!”

    (As we’re speaking, I see that her connection has re-established.)

    Me: “I’m showing you’re online now. Are all the lights back on your modem?”

    Customer: “Oh…that’s what you meant by waiting.”

    Making Phoney Claims

    | Calabasas, CA, USA | At The Checkout, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (A female customer has just left the store after receiving her order. She then returns, extremely agitated.)

    Customer: “My phone is missing!”

    Me: “Did you leave it in the store?”

    Customer: “Of course not! I’m not stupid. It was in my car!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, no one’s turned in a phone.”

    (The customer then proceeds to search all over the not-exactly-large shop, including overturning the wastebasket in the restroom and questioning other patrons. Meanwhile, I take my rather expensive touch-screen phone to check the time.)

    Customer: “Hey, that’s my phone!”

    Me: “No, it’s not. It’s mine.”

    Customer: “Don’t lie to me! People who work someplace like this can’t afford phones like that! Is that why you made my order take so long? So you could steal my phone?”

    Me: “Are you saying while your coffee was being made, I snuck out the back door, ran around the building, found the one car in the parking lot that belonged to you, broke in, stole your phone, and got back in time to help the next customer in line?”

    Customer: “So you admit it! I’m calling the police!”

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