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  • Bigotry Is Not On The Menu
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  • Stranger In A Sweet Land

    | FL, USA | Top

    Me: “Hello, can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for this movie. It was a funny movie and it is fairly new.”

    Me: “Okay, can you tell me who is in it?”

    Customer: “That fat guy from Superbad?”

    Me: “Is it this movie?” *I pick up ‘Get him to the Greek’*

    Customer: “Yeah! Thanks! Have a piece of candy.”

    Me: “Okay.”

    (I put the candy in my pocket, and walk to the counter to ring him up.)

    Me: “Have a nice day!”

    Customer: “You have a nice smile. You know what you win?”

    Me: “No. What do I win?”

    Customer: “A better piece of candy!”

    (He hands me another piece of candy and walks out swinging his bag.)

    Manager, to me: “Don’t eat that candy. It’s stranger candy.”

    Apparently Bad Parenting

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

    (I walk into the kitchen and see a toddler reaching for a knife, blade first. I run and grab him before he gets it. He cries, but I let him play with my necklace while I take him back out to his mother, who is attached to her cell phone.)

    Mother: “Oh my God!”

    (I hand him to her.)

    Me: “Don’t worry Ma’am he’s fine, I just–”

    Mother: “I’m calling the cops! You tried to kidnap my son!”

    Me: “You’ve got to be kidding.”

    Mother: “I saw you! You had my son!”

    Me: “Yes, I found him in the kitchen.”

    Mother: “You took him in there!”

    Me: “Why would I do that?”

    Mother: “Cause you want to be a mother so bad that you had to take my sweet boy!”

    Me: “If I took him, why would I bring him back?”

    Mother: “Stop distracting me!”

    (She begins to dial 911. Another customer walks up. I recognize him.)

    Officer: “Ma’am, hang up your phone. I’m a cop.”

    (He shows his badge.)

    Mother: “Arrest her!”

    Officer: “Ma’am, I watched your son walk into the kitchen on his own accord. If anyone is getting arrested, it’s you for endangering the welfare of a child.”

    (Opposite Se)X-Men

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Top

    (A little boy comes through my line holding a Wolverine figure. I scan it first and give it back to him before his parents groceries.)

    Me: “So is Wolverine your favorite?”

    Boy: *looks at me confused*

    Me: “More then Beast or Nightcrawler?”

    Boy: *tilts his head, more puzzled*

    Me: “Rogue’s always been my favorite.”

    Boy: “Bu-But, you’re old. And a girl!”

    Misunderstanding Headwind

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Uncategorized

    (I am selling an elderly woman an airline ticket for her first trip on a plane.)

    Me: “Would you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat on the plane?”

    Customer: “Oh I think I’ll take an aisle seat. I plan on getting my hair done before the trip and I don’t want it blowing around.”

    Bad Data, Good Outcome

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Top

    Client: “My printer keeps printing junk.”

    Me: “You have to turn off the computer and the printer, then turn on the computer first.”

    Client: “Okay.”

    *pause*

    Client: “It’s still wrong.”

    Me: “Did you restart the computer first?”

    Client: “No.”

    Me: “Why not?”

    Client: “The computer is too far away. It saves time if I just turn the printer off and on.”

    Me: “That won’t fix the problem.”

    Client: “I don’t see why not. I don’t have time to go back and forth.”

    (We go through the procedure several times, with the client short cutting the directions each time.)

    Me: “Okay, I think I know what to do. There is bad data in your cable.”

    Client: “Oh. How do I get it out?”

    Me: “First, turn everything off. Then disconnect the cable.”

    Client: “Okay.”

    Me: “Lay the cable out in the hall. Then pick up one end and shake the cable two or three times. Shake it very hard.”

    Client: “Just a minute.”

    (Time passes with strange noises coming through the phone. The client comes back on out of breath.)

    Client: “OK, I did it.”

    Me: “Good. Now reconnect the cable to the printer and then connect it to the computer. Then turn everything on.”

    Client: “That did it! Thanks!”

    (About a year later, one of our trainers called to tell a funny story about the client who insisted on shaking the cable whenever the printer messed up. She said it was, ‘To get rid of the bad data’. I kept my mouth shut.)

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