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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Bad Reception, Worse Misperceptions

    | Rochester, NY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: *thick accent* “I have problem with cell phone.”

    Me: “Okay, sir, I’m sure I can help you with that. It looks like we’re going to have to re-set your connection. I need you to type in the following series of numbers, followed by the pound key.”

    (I hear a distinct whacking sound in the background.)

    Me: “Sir? What are you doing?”

    Customer: “You say pound phone. I pound on table. Pieces fly off!”

    All Geared Up But Nowhere To Tow

    | Davenport, IA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [car dealership]. How may I help you?”

    Customer: “I have an issue with my car not starting.”

    Me: “Alright, do you need a tow truck?”

    Customer: “No, I got it started but I still want it looked at.”

    Me: “Alright, you can bring it right in.”

    Customer: “Will you turn the car off when I get it there?”

    Me: “Yes, we will need to turn it off to work on it.”

    Customer: “But what if it doesn’t start again?”

    Me: “Well, we will fix it.”

    Customer: “Well, just to be safe I want you to fix it without turning the car off.”

    Me: “We can’t do that. That would be unsafe for our technicians.”

    Customer: “I don‚Äôt give a d*** about your technicians. If you can’t work on the car the way I want, I will call someone else!”

    Me: “Well I‚Äôm sorry, we cant do that.”

    Customer: “Fine!” (Hangs up.)

    Coworker: “So how long do you think she is going to leave her car running?”

    The Forbidden Fruit

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Top

    (I’ve just finished putting a cherry on top of an older woman’s ice cream. It’s slowly starting to roll down the side.)

    Me: “Oh, watch it! You’re about to lose your cherry!”

    Customer: “Oh dearie, I lost that a long time ago.”

    As Normal As A Nude Nymph With No Nails

    | Oakville, ON, Canada |

    (Working near the fitting rooms, my coworker hears a customer ask for help from inside one of the stalls.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, I need some help.”

    Coworker: “Alright–”

    (My coworker turns around and notices the customer standing outside of the stall completely nude except for the bra she was trying on.)

    Customer: “How does this look on me? I’m not sure if this works for me.”

    Coworker: “Um…why did you happen to take off your clothes?”

    Customer: “Oh, because I feel more comfortable like this. So, what do you think?”

    Coworker: “It looks…good.”

    (My coworker looks down to avoid seeing the woman and notices stickers on the woman’s toes.)

    Coworker: “Why do you have stickers on your toes, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Well, I don’t have any toenails. I think the stickers make them look prettier, and I feel more normal when I take off my shoes.”

    Bird Brained, Part 4

    | Mystic, CT, USA |

    (I have just finished talking to a group of people at the penguin exhibit when a middle-age man approaches me.)

    Customer: “I really love penguins. My wife and I saw some on our trip to Alaska last summer.”

    Me: “Oh, did you go to the Alaskan Sea Life Center? I hear it’s very nice.”

    Customer: “No, we saw them when we were walking on the beach.”

    Me: “Actually, sir, wild penguins only live in the southern hemisphere. What you and your wife saw were most likely puffins. They look very similar to penguins, but they can fly and are commonly seen in places like Alaska.”

    Customer: “No, they were penguins. I’m not stupid! I think I know a penguin when it flies right in front of me.”

    Me: “Penguins can’t fly, sir.”

    Customer: “All birds fly!”

    Me: “No, not all of them. Ostriches, for example, can’t fly either.”

    Customer: “Ostriches are birds?”

    Related:
    Bird Brained
    Bird Brained, Part 2
    Bird Brained, Part 3

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