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    Putting The Men On The Menu

    | St. George, UT, USA | Uncategorized

    (Some customers come up to my till to pay for their meals.)

    Me: “How was your meal today, sir?”

    Customer: “It was good and I was delicious.”

    His Head’s Up In The Sky, With Diamonds

    | Wall, NJ, USA | Top

    (Our store music system is playing Coldplay’s ‘Viva la Vida’. A customer comes up to me, and start making small talk.)

    Customer: “I love this song!”

    Me: “Yeah, I like it too. Although, there is a Swedish singer who does a cover of this. I happen to like that one better.”

    Customer: “You listen to Swedish music?”

    Me: “Well, not really. I just heard that there was a cover of it. I looked it up and–”

    Customer: “This is America, sweetie! You should only listen to American music!”

    Me: “Sir, you do know that Coldplay, the band who sings this song, is from England?”

    Customer: “No, they’re not! They play this song on the radio! American radio!”

    Me: “I assure you, sir. They are from England.”

    Customer: “Well, I can’t like this song anymore! Unlike you, I only listen to American music–like The Rolling Stones and The Beatles!”

    Related:
    Her Head’s Up In The Sky, With Diamonds

    Credit Car

    | USA | Uncategorized

    (I am finishing ringing up a customer’s purchases.)

    Me: “That’ll be $14.00.”

    Customer: “So, I want to pay with my credit card, but it’s out in the car. Is that okay?”

    Me: “Sure, that’s fine.”

    (There’s an uncomfortable pause as the customer stands there, as if waiting for something else to happen. Finally, the lightbulb goes on.)

    Customer: “Oh, do I have to actually go get it?”

    Have Their Second Sights Set On This School

    | Boston, MA, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Thank you for calling [university] admissions. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi. I’d like to register my daughter for a campus tour and info session.”

    Me: “Great! Can I have her name?”

    Caller: “Sure. Her name is [name].”

    (Many times, students are already in our system. We check the high school to make sure it’s the correct person.)

    Me: “Does she go to [name] high school?”

    Caller: “Oh my God! Yes! Are you psychic?”

    Bad Owners Unleashed

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Top

    (One of the dogs we are grooming attacks one of the staff. The staff member is taken to surgery to have their bicep muscle reattached. No one is able to enter the salon because the vicious, very large dog is on the loose in the shop. We are standing outside the shop in the main store. We call the dog’s owner, and he arrives two hours later.)

    Customer: “I can’t believe you called the police on my dog! He’s a good dog!”

    Me: “Sir, when we had to call the ambulance, the police came with them. We didn’t call them specifically.”

    Customer: “Yes, you did! You are all racists!”

    Me: “Sir, please just get your dog out of my salon. Other customers want their pets, and your dog is holding my shop hostage.”

    Customer: “My dog doesn’t bite. He’s a nice dog.”

    Me: “Please, just get your dog out of my salon.”

    (The customer goes into the salon, grabs the dog, puts the chain on it and comes out. Everyone backs away. The dog is snarling and lunging at other customers. The police are following him to fill out paperwork.)

    Customer: “By the way, were you able to cut his nails?”

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