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    Revenge Is A Dish Best Served By Wives

    | Richmond, VA, USA | Top

    (At the nursing home where I work, we can sell lunches to visitors, but can’t sell them after 11:00. It’s a bummer, but usually people are understanding.)

    Customer: “I need to buy a lunch.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, but we can’t sell lunches after 11:00.”

    Customer: “Why not? ”

    Me: “Well, it’s so that the kitchen knows how many trays to have ready by lunchtime. They start on dinner almost as soon as lunch is served.”

    Customer: “Well, I’m hungry.”

    Me: “I really am sorry. I wish I could help, but lunch was served two hours ago. We do have a vending machine, and there are a couple of fast food places nearby.”

    Customer: “Are you stupid?”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “I will sue you guys!”

    Me: “I really am sorry.”

    Customer: “I will sue you! Your lunch policy is ridiculous! This is what happens when little girls like you work in men’s jobs!”

    Me: “A man’s job?”

    Customer: “Yes! Since you obviously can’t do it since you’re a fifteen-year-old girl.”

    Me: “I’m twenty-one, sir.”

    Customer: “Then why aren’t you married?”

    Me: “…because my boyfriend hasn’t asked me yet?”

    Customer: “You should get married, get out of here, and let a man do your job.”

    Me: “…my job as a receptionist?”

    Customer: “He’d do it right! I am going to the biggest man here and complaining about your policies!”

    Me: “The biggest man here is a woman, sir.”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Everyone in our business office is female, and so is our administrator.”

    Customer: “This place is doomed!”

    (Half an hour later, I ended up buying him a turkey sandwich from a nearby deli when I went out to get my own lunch. Not surprisingly, he didn’t thank me. However, this cloud has a silver lining: I also met his wife, who smacked him upside the head and called him a jacka**.)

    I Junk Mailed To Say I Love You

    | Reno, NV, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [wireless company]! How may I help you?”

    Customer: “Yeah, you sent me an ad and I want to let you know I’m very happy with the service I’m getting with a competitor, so I don’t need your services.”

    Me: “Of course, sir. Would you like to be taken off our mailing?”

    Customer: “Now, just a minute there, just a minute! I want to thank you for thinking of me. Nobody ever sends me anything in the mail these days, so I want to thank you for sending me things. I don’t want your services, but I’d like you to keep sending me the ads.”

    Me: “You don’t want to buy anything from us, but you want to keep receiving the advertisements? Am I understanding you correctly?”

    Customer: “Yes, that’s correct. Thank you for thinking of me.”

    Me: “Um, you’re welcome, sir! We’d be happy to keep sending you things in the mail, if that’s what you want.”

    Customer: “Thank you!” *hangs up*

    No Moviegoer Left Behind

    | San Antonio, TX, USA |

    (At the box office where I work, the customers have a bad habit of not reading the marquees for the names of their movie. Here are a few of the better ones:)

    Customer: “What’s Gadjicka about?” (Gothika)

    Customer: “I’d like two tickets for El Scorpio.” (The Scorpion King)

    Customer: “Is that Luxj movie any good?” (The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, abbreviated as LXG)

    Customer: “How dare you show a movie called School of C***?!” (School of Rock)

    Customer: “Can I have three for Legally Blind 2?” (Legally Blonde 2)

    (Best minimum wage job EVER.)

    Putting The LOL In Little Old Lady

    | Wichita, KS, USA | Top

    (I’m checking out my last customer, a little old lady, before covering a break when another customer starts unloading his stuff into the register. Note that I’ve shut off my light and put a “lane closed” sign up.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, my lane is closed. I have to go to another department and cover a break.”

    Other customer: “Well, isn’t that just f***ing convenient for you!”

    (Right on cue, the little old lady I was helping turns to the other customer.)

    Little old lady: “Who the h*** peed in your cornflakes this morning?!”

    Other customer: *storms off*

    (I hugged the lady and she is now a regular of mine.)

    A Man Of Two Words

    | Canada |

    Me: *ringing up a sale* “…and did you find everything you were looking for today?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s too bad. Would you like some assistance finding those items?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Okay. What was it that you couldn’t find?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “…pardon?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “So…did you not need any help today?”

    Customer: “No.”

    Me: “Then you have everything you need?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Well then, have a wonderful day!”

    Customer: “No.” *takes bag and leaves*

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